angels and demons.....

my wife... is an ANGEL!

we had to take her to the er on monday morning as she had been having quite of bit of abdominal pain.
turns out she had to have her gall bladder removed. and was checked into the hospital.
well here we are on thurs morn, and she is out of surgery and in the recovery room, doing just fine, surgery did what it was supposed to do.
nuff said bout that... maybe she'll get to come home tomorrow.

my son.... is a DEMON!
so with mom in the hospital, that leaves me in charge of jr.......
now this is a normally a task that mama performs with admirable facility and competence on a daily basis..
with her out of the game fer a bit, ive got the lil rat 24 hours a day for the forseeable future..
i suppose it wouldnt be so bad, cept for the fact that he doesn't go back to school till next week... NEXT WEEK...

It is amazing how much you can love a thing, yet still want to stuff it in the freezer.

we have alternated for the last 3 days between sheer vein-popping, stroke inducing, frustration, and eye wateringly sweet tranquil moments.

ok lets recap:
mom in hospital
dad watching jr
no school
xmas recently over (toys all over the place)
xmas not yet totally done (chocolate squirrelled all over)
MANIC MANIC MANIC jr (fuck me where does the energy come from)
did i mention... NO SCHOOL???
.........

end of my rope??
naah.. ... iv'e been so far past the end of the rope, that i swear i need to hold up a "help" sign (wile-e-coyote) style, right before i go dropping into nothingness.

jr.. well he is actually taking things in stride, he gets to play nearly nonstop, and bug dad constantly..(think.. mutant heaven)

the charge nurse started to tell us that because jr was under 12 yrs old he couldnt be in the room with mom (for his safety)
i fixed her with a stare that i shit you not would melt a fucking diamond..... charge nurse actually stuttered, stopped talking and (wisely) left the room.

lordy lordy.. i need my angel back...... or an exorcist.. either will do..

ware' this home... for evil lives here!

pacis vobis in novus annus
(peace to you in the new year)

-dawg

district 9

if you have not seen the movie... DO NOT READ ANY MORE!!!
go rent/buy it, then come back and read..

excellent flick.. highly recommended



is it wrong that both the mutant and i laugh maniacally when someone gets liquified????


peace
-dawg

twas the night after christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even the lazy blue lump
The presents were shredded all over the floor,
and poor ole sammie was cowering by the door

The child was passed out right where he dropped,
While smears of chocolate his face did top.
And mamma on the couch looking slightly dazed,
that he was still alive left dad amazed................................


need i say more??

the legos are in crisis mode! i think they might be organizing a revolt....
the mutants' tyranical reign of terror may soon be at an end.

just this afternoon, he executed 5 lego clone troopers... ohh the inhumanity of it all... there were legs and heads everywhere!!

my once clean living room is a shattered wreck.. bits of wrapping paper are freaking all over the place.. is shit you not... there was a bow stuck on the ceiling.
(dont ask.... got no clue....)

sammie is cowering by the door... for some reason every time jr brings his tie fighter out in the living room, sammie just starts whimpering....(god only knows what the mutant has done to him)

OH GOD HELP US!!! my sun has UN-MANNED our DAMN DOG!!!!!

mama .. truly is passed out on the couch..... last i heard from her.. was..... (aggghkk kid...... seriously ... considering ............. vodka)

me....?? i hear a voice in my head say.. "strong in the dark side this one is!!!"

patter
..patter
...patter

heh heh


..
.....
..........

oh no.. please! someone save us!!!

call an exorcist

peace
-dawg

ummmm.. sorry... really...

actually thats a lie... i aint sorry at all... i'm just plain busylazybusy.......

anywhooo, new for 2010 more posts, and maybe even insanity!!!

toads... taste.. well........ BAD!!!!

THIS POST IS NOT KID FRIENDLY

sorry for not writing.. blah blah blah........
ahh forget that crap, i have just been too damn busy lately to write.

so jr is sick.. flu/cold who the hell knows (gonna inflict him on the dr tomorrow morn), and of course when jr is sick.... EVERYFUCKINGBODY is freaking MISERABLE!!!!
mom is so tired that she just kinda sits on the couch staring vacantly at the tv... (and its not even on)
me.. i'm just a little tired of saying .. "what??.. hang on.. blow your nose so i can understand you!" (figger as much as the mutant talks... i've been saying that A LOT!)
the lump.. well she's only come out of hiding for food lately.
and sammie?? he just kind of paces up and down the carpet grumbling to himself.

truly it is a house full of zombie-like miserable beings.... except jr...

hell he is actually kinda happy... leastways he seems to be garnering some type of insane glee from making the rest of us suffer. (i swear i saw his stuffed cow try to escape to the closet (YES it is that bad)

finally a couple of hours ago, the cough medicine took effect, and jr finally passed out... (to all of you who want to get self righteous about using meds that knock him out.... BUGGER OFF!! you try it on "politically correct" meds)
anywhoo...... passed out kid = household breaktime.
momma.. pours herself into the bed... the lump... well the lump remains lumplike, and sammie and i head outside for a smoke ... and no the dog doesn't smoke (he still can't figure out the lighter)
as i light up sammie waits patiently for me to throw something, anything.... ( whatever dude, just throw something now!!!!!!!!!)
as i get ready to grab a stick from the pile on our window ledge (big ass pile of sticks... sammie and jr BOTH fetch em) he notices a small brown shape on the porch..
immediately this lump has his interest (and mine) and he bolts the whole 6 inches to where it sits staring defiantly at both of us..
i take a look at this rather nice sized specimen of common american toad, and think to myself "heh, this is gonna be fun"
almost as if he read the "idiots guide to life" sammie promptly bounces up in the air (if you have a lab you understand the bounce.. if not, ask a lab owner) and pounces on the poor little toad.
looks up at me triumphantly with toad in mouth, and i swear to god.. the black dog looked a bit green around the gills as he just opens his mouth and PUSHES the toad out with his TONGUE (as if he wants to avoid all possible lip contact)
the toad plops to the ground and promptly puffs up and resumes his defiant stare.
sammie starts to shake his head and tries to scrape the foulness off his tongue by running it over his upper teeth, of course this is less than successful (to say the least).
at this point he starts droolling uncontrollably and foaming a bit at the mouth (shit naw, i ain't worried i know this un aint poison, just freakin NASTEEE tasting)
the dawg starts licking the concrete, dirt, grass, brick siding, woodedn garden rails, and finally seems to get some relief as he proceeds to lick his own ass (and we are talking colonoscopy here folks)
one wonders: how in the hell are we not up to our necks iin toads, if inserting ones tongue in your own ass actually tastes BETTER???

peace
-dawg

birthdays are for ... chuck e cheese! (or, my slow trip through parental HELL)

OH MY GAWD the mutant is 5...... FIVE whole MINDNUMBINGLYPAINFUL/SCARY/CRAZYKOOL/GREAT YEARS!!!

for his fifth b'day we decided to spring for a birthday trip to chuck e cheese's. (yeah i know.. i'm supposed to be smart.... sometimes i just wake up and leave my brain by the bed.... SOFA KING WE TODD DID).

anyway.. off to chuck's house o horrors.....

enter and get greeted by some poor tranked out employee (ya know they toke up during breaks...gotta stay sane somehow) who promptly stamps jr and my arm with matching numbers in some secret uv reactive ink..... (holee crap.. what the hell is this??? some kinda of freaky neon colored auschwitz??).

the wife says "cool, they make sure the kid and parents match!!" and i'm, thinking to myself... "riiiight, hell no, its to make sure the PARENTS actually CLAIM their rugrats"

we go over to our table and met up with our neighbors and their kids and grandkids (who all starngely enough, seem to love the little capri sun swilling, cookie stealing monster that is my offspring) and jr promptly spots the "playland"

i look at this thing... one entrance (an enclosed 1 story climbing stair thingy), one exit(a slide) and the rest of the thing is completely overhead... (think habitrail... for kids).... kool i can easily keep an eye on jr... IF i can get him to go up the stair thingy...

jr HATES to be off the ground (unless its in mommas arms).. the little rat who normally avoids slides/ladders/monkeybars/teetertotters like the freaking plague BOLTS towards this thing, and like a monkey up a tree after a bannanna is JUST PLAIN GONE!!!!
20 minutes later, i finally have to stick my head up the musty sweaty sock smelling tunnel like slide and growl.. "xavierjohncrane.. get yer butt down here NOW!"

FWOOP.. out pops a maniacally grinning mutant..
ok off to play some games..
whack a mole.. i place the mallet in jr's hands and he just looks at me and looks at me like i'm stupid, until i tell him... smack em like ya smack the dog........ welll go figure... new high score!

skee ball.... time to find out if plexiglass really is unbreakable...... NOPE, not a chance.

soccer ball kicking game...... HEH need i say anything at all....

suffice it to say.. 2 and a half hours later we finally exit our trip through parental hell and head back home.... 15 min drive to the house is accompanied by a nonstop report on everything he just did for the last 2 hours.... (DUHHHH guess i wasnt there really... musta been just a dadshaped stuffed animal)

here we are 4 DAYS later, and my right eye has finally stopped twitching, the ringing in my ears has subsided, and the nightmares......well that may take a wee bit....

peace
-dawg

please sir, don't beat me, .... i promise ill be good!!!

first off, let me apologize to all of my loyal raders for not posting in like... forever!

i have been very very busy lately...

quick background dump:

last december i decided that i would work towards getting back into the stamp busines (think outrageously expensive little pieces of paper)
i had set a goal of being ready to be an active dealer at stamp shows in approx 2 years time...

fast forward to 2 months ago...
visit antique mall, rent booth space for stamps (basically advertising and secondary revenue stream)
meet coin dealer/antique dealer/stamp collector who has several booths at mall.
strike up a friendship
friendship turns to a one off business venture.
business venture turns into partnership

fast forward to today:

tomorrow we open our stamp/coin/high end antique shop in downtown clarksville
first stamp show is scheduled for jul 25th
approx 2 shows a month are scheduled thru december

kinda blew my 2 year plan right the hell outta the water....

lovin life....

jr....jr turns 5 years old on jul 7th (personally i am amazed he has made it to 5)

anyone care to guess what he wants for his birthday???..
NO NO NO .. you evil bastards.... not a hammer to beat the dog with...

LEGOS....... of course

the wife... is gardening.... and wonder of wonders.. the garden is thriving...
(hey.... this woman can kill nuclear winter resistant spider plants)

sooo to make things short..
busy
kid just as evil as ever..
wife is happier n a pig in shite...

will post more in the next couple o days

peace
-dawg

communication error

communication error....

first of let me preface this entry.. it is not a funny entry, and in fact for some folks it may be downright painful.

this is a weB LOG (an online diary) so here i go ....diarizing!

i write as a RELEASE! and if ya cringe at my misspellings and bad grammar.. PISS OFF! i write as it flows out of me, and i feel that going back and correcting is "cheating" and detracts from the honesty.
sometimes when i write it comes across as funny or humorous (so some people say anyhow) and sometimes it is serious.

this i feel is neither... it well.. just is.

i have been experienceing a "communications error" lately, aww frak this sugar coated shite.. I AM BROKEN

i CAN NOT TALK FACE TO FACE with those closest to me.....the only way i can start to figure this crap out is to write.

i am bipolar, or "manic depressive" if you will. and as a rule i tend to stay towards the "manic" end of things, and while it is irritating and not too fun, i can usually deal with things.

being bipolar does not mean i lack willpower or drive or what not, very simply i like many others, was either born with or developed a chemical imbalance in my brain. this imbalance affects different people in different ways, for me it just means i find it exceptionally hard to focus on one thing or find it tough to "shut down" my brain.. end result... ferret on redbull thats been doing crank for a week straight.. frankly this is wher my "humour" comes from (you try it for a month or so, and see if reality don't get a bit strange for you too)...

my "depressive" state.. now that is a completely different animal... a much bigger nastier animal in fact...

in ancient rome as the conquering hero paraded to the forum at the reigns of his chariot, he always had a slave standing behind him holding a laurel wreath (noo not olive as is commonly portrayed) and the slave would whisper into the hero's ear as the crowds cheered his glory.. he would say "remember, thou too, art mortal" (incidentally this is where we get the term "fleeting glory" from, wise buggers those romans were)

my depression is like that slave, except its more like a vicious gorilla throttling me, whilee hissing at me... you are worthless......

this.. is where i have been for a little while now...

NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY OR ADVICE..... DO NOT GIVE EITHER... (guarantee if ya do, i will respond.. and it WILL NOT BE FRIENDLY OR NICE)

THIS
IS
A
RELEASE

ohh yeah.. in my BAD depression spells (like now) i also tend towards the extremely agressively angry side of life

if anything i say strikes a chord in you, and you feel you must respond... post it as a comment, so others can see...maybe YOUR experience can help someone else.. if not

IT
IS
A
RELEASE

anyway...

i make no bones about who i am or what i do, and honestly nor do i give a rats ass what MOST people think ... if ya like me .. kool... if ya think i'm an ass.. well yer right there too...fortunately i tend to be the type of "abrasive personality" that people can tolerate, and frankly because of my "lack o bullshit" a personality that some people value, for the honesty that ensues.

so, yeah
depressed... way the fuck down...
reasons... none really... chemicals in gray mush are screwed again, meds are whacked and need to be adjusted (already in progress).
solution..... working on it... try and not blow up on loved ones.... stay at home and avoid the public...... last time it got this bad, folks got assaulted, and shortly thereafter i crawled under the bed for a week (literally)

i know that there is an end to this, that adjusting the meds WILL work... but it's gonna take a bit, hell it took me a couple o weeks to really see what has been going on...

been locked up inside my own skull for a bit now, and that is a REALLY crappy neighborhood to cruise when i'm like this.
yeah yeah, i know, a little "perspective" might put things in a different light.. but in this mode i could give a fuck less what your perspective is.. i am the one in my skin.. you aren't.

once, long ago, wheni was in a vewry similiar state i actually had a healthcare professional (recent graduate) tell me (in an effort to "help" give me perspective) "think about those poor people on the streets that don't have the opportunities that you have"
my response was pretty simple..... "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THOSE FUCKERS....if ya feel so much for em.. go fucking fix em ya fucking moron"

yes, i have though about offing myslef..(fleeting idiotic thought....)
yes, i have also thought about voluntarily checking in to a nut ward for a bit...(still mulling that one over)
yes, i feel like crap, and don not want to deal with jack shit right now...

fer chrissakes i threw a goddamn fit over the fucking DISHES being dirty last night..... THE DAMN DISHES...
little crap is what fucks me up... the big shit really is no sweat....
its a "death by a thousand papercuts) sort of thing...
like most folks when large issues arise, i instinctively know how to deal with em.... but the little annoyances, bumps, scrapes and bruises, of daily life.... they add up quick and beat me the fuck down...

(REMEMBER NOTE UP TOP.......NO ADVICE/SYMPATHY)

i am working on it... gonna talk to my shrink tomorrow....(again)

ya know... i feel a bit less crappy...
HAH
it is a release...

btw if ya made it this far, and any of this rings true for you....you are not alone TALK/WRITE about it... just try and get a little bit of that crap outta yer head.. it helps.. trust me.. i know
feel free to drop me a line if ya want

peace
-dawg

the siege has lifted!

so the inlaws have come and gone. this was a truly awesome visit, jr had a blast, momma got to spend some rare f2f time with her mom and sis, and me, well i got a chance to drop a nuke on my sis in laws diet...
heh she'll be cursing me for months after this visit....and her trainer... is gonna freaking love me!

however as is normal in visits of this nature, there were a couple of "land mines" left cheerfully behind. i'm really only gonna discuss one of em...

laura? (my sis in law) did you really consider the ramifications of leaving behind FOUR FUCKING POUNDS of easter candy????

basking in the glow of a great visit, mom and i very obviously took leave of our senses and not only took the mountain of candy "auntie la-la, and gramma" left behind, but added some of our own to the pile.

end result..... 8 DAYS LATER, the siege has finally lifted.

the sad sad shattered corpses of marshmallow peeps, and chocolate bunnies have littered the battleground that we call home, for the last week. and the mutant... oh .....my .......gawd.

chocolate GENOCIDE (oh the humanity of it all)

he single handedly decimated whole populations of various chocolatey creatures, and as the week has drawn out, and the sugar levels have risen to dangerously epic proportions, has become steadily more... well... hyper (go figure.. 4 yr old boy + 5 pounds of pure sugar = BAD IDEA)

sad part is .. we both KNEW this was an incredibly BAD IDEA, but as we are shamelessly indulgent parents, went ahead and did it anyway.

this finally reached its climax late last night...
picture the scene, mom on computer, dad on couch, both furtively looking over shoulder to center of living room.
1dog hiding in corner behind couch, 1 hiding in the kitchen, both furtively looking over shoulder to center of living room.

mutant..... is dancing.... leaping up and down and shrilling out a semblance of a song that some vapid cartoon on tv is blasting out..

dad: SON! STOP JUMPING NOW!!!!

mutant: but dad

dad: NOOOW!

mutant: buuuut DAAAAAAADD!

dad: TOOTHBRUSH, AND TOOTHPASTE its time for you to GO TO BED!

mutant: ........oookkkk...... (goes off to brush his teeth)

mutant: (comes back to living room after brushing teeth, plops down on couch and says) "but dad i'm not tired)

dad: (steps outside to have a smoke.... NOT...GONNA....EXPLODE....) whaaathe hell???

i shit you not 2 minute smokebreak... little sucker is on the couch sprawled out.. freaking snoring!!!


holiday frog silently hops on his way.


i swear.. next time the frog comes by...... FROG LEGS for dinner.


peace
-dawg

oh noes! mah legoz!!!!

so, the in-laws have arrived, and we have survived the first day. actually i jest, it really is great having both my sister in law and my mom in law here (NO i am NOT insane!, just mildly deranged). we only get to see each other every couple of years as they live in strange far gar away places such as "soon to be underwater-land... (california)" and .. "las - you is gonna lose all yer money (vegas)".

the mutant.. normally gregarious and outgoing, was a touch reserved at first.. and then after a quick sizing up of these new strange suckers...er... umm... i mean.. people. at which point he started gablling nonstop, got their attention focused in some other direction, .... and promptly whipped out his mind control gun and nailed em both. and im thinking to myself.... this.... is ... gonna be..... hilarious.

cracker barrel for brkfst.. we get jr grilled cheese and fries (hey... whatever! we go with what works) which.. he flat out ignores and then procedes to beg food off everyone else with the usual results.. mom and i just growl raise our forks threatingly and hiss at him, but apparently the mind control is back in full effect, as his two brand new zombies hand over bits and goodies to him.

-fast forward to WALLY WORLD!

we are here for a couple of last minute fixins needed for moms birthday dinner (crawfish etouffee and stuff) and maybe a bottle of tylenol (nudge nudge, wink wink)
der mutant grabs his slave-beings by the hand and then starts... (i'm not kidding here) giving them a guided tour of the store, all the while heading steadfastly in ONE direction.

LONG
STORY
SHORT

he actually talked BOTH women into each buying him SEPARATE sets of legos...

ya know.... somedays i worry if he will be able to take care of himself as an adult (typical parent worry type thing)

then i see stuff like this.. and realize.. hell noe.. he's all good.
he just tok two normally frugal women and convinced them to empty their pocketbooks.... and holy crap..THEY were smiling afterwards.

he struts away (yes... struts) with a grin on his face and a gleam in his eye that seems to say..
"look out, i'm xavier john and my kung fu is strong.!"

peace
-dawg

cleaning is FUN!!

yeah right..

spring cleaning is upon us!! (oh joy, ... actually we are about to get a visit from my in-laws)
so it's time to reduce the clutter, and organize..

HELL... who am i kidding... i like clutter and this is freaking killing me.

both the wife and i tend to be a bit of a pack rat..

take "important papers" for example... i do not honestly believe that in the normal course of things that we dispose of ONE SINGLE SCRAP OF PAPER that has EVER crossed the threshold of our home.

case in point.. we are organizing our "important papers" and separating out that which is to be kept, and that which is to go bye bye...
in the trash box goes a papa johns 25th anniversery ad, and shortly thereafter goes a pap johns 15th anniversery ad as well....

jr drops by and says... "cani help, i want to be a good helpful little boy"

ok.. well here son put this in the trash box....... and then go get me some more papers from the other box.

10 minutes later and it seems that box of papers left to sort through has really not diminished too much, and strangely enough i think i'v seen the same chinese food menu (from a resteraunt near our home... 3 homes ago) at least 5 separate times...
frustrated i step back and just watch mom n jr going at it....

sure enough i DID see that menu multiple times... looks like jr has been taking the "trash" papers, neatly stacking them, sorting them in order (don't ask, i have no clue what criteria he uses for sorting stuff) and then promptly places them "under" a stack of unsorted papers.

aint it great.. he's so helpful...

ohh the hell with it.. he seems to be having fun, and well strangely (even through the soul tearing experience of "throwing stuff away") so does mama.

i'll just let em go..

life is.... GOOD! and clutter is fine too!

peace
-dawg

snips and snail and puppy dog tails

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !

that appears on its face to be an accurate description, but on further examination in the mutants' case i believe the following is more accurate for him.

What are little mutants made of?
smiles and wiles , and mean ole crocodiles
That's what little mutants are made of !"

i am an "observer", i mean that i enjoy sitting back and watching people. i consider myself to be a student of humanity. even if you have no background in psychology or otherwise, if you sit back and watch enough people for long enough, you WILL see patterns emerging.

we like to think that in general people are "social creatures" that is to say we desire the comfort and contact of other beings. truth be told nothing could be further from the truth in adults... kids?? now that really is a completely different story..

as adults we shake hands, spout a platitude and then disengage as quickly as is polite, upon meeting an "old friend". we go to work, and how ya doing.. oh i'm fine.. then its off to our little safe box. we drive home in our enclosed little car, say hi to the family and then withdraw into our own little world (computer/tv etc..) until "forced" to be social (dinner etc...)
THAT IS NOT A SOCIAL BEING!

now lets take kids (and i'll use the mutant as an example)
TEENAGERS DO NOT COUNT!!! THEY ARE NOT EVEN FROM THIS PLANET
(and trying to figure them out is just an exercise in madness)

mutant to strange kid he's never met before (EVER) .... "HI KID, im xavierjohncranehowareyouwannaplay???" at which point he usually walks over and either hugs them or grabs em by the arm and leads em to the nearest toy like thing.

mutant upon awakening.... walks into bedroom blinking sleep outta his eyes, and says..... "morning mommaanddadycaniplaylegomovienow??" at which point he promptly climbs into the bed and sprawls across both of us....

mutant after eating (or sometimes while eating in fact)
"sammy .... SAMMY... quiteatingmytoysyoudumboledog.....herehavesomebreadnowthatsagooddog..goaway"
and then finds some large (and appropriately heavy) object and whacks the dog on the head....
(ohh quit... the dog is fine.. you could hit him in the head with a sledgehammer and he'd be ok)

soo what do YOU think, which approach is better, adult or mutant..

me.. i'll kust pretend that i learned something from the mutant today.

today i'm gonna live, love, and enjoy life!

if aint nobody said it to ya lately..... love ya, and i'm glad yer part of my life!

peace
-dawg

memories in winter

it is dark out, snow blamkets the ground in a serene white blanket. the world is still, quiet and peaceful, i light a smoke and brush the snow off the porch rail. i lean forward and stare into the yard and the snow covered land seems to embrace me, and for the first time in a week or two , i personally am at peace.

the more time goes on, the more i realize that in many ways i truly am my fathers legacy and in some ways i have taken a much different path than he. some of this is good, and some of this... well... it just, is. events that profoundly affect our lives have a tendency to make us stop and do a "reality check". i have had many such moments in my life, and starngely enough they are usually in the peaceful aftermath of some kind of storm.

this moment is no different, standing there in the night, i feel a warmth come over me. and i know in my bones, i am alone? no, that is one thing i most certainly am not! always in times like these my connection with those "ghosts of the past" is the strongest, those resolute personalities that have so immutably shaped this life i call "my own". while it truly is my own life, they have shaped it and guide me still.

for better or worse i am my fathers son, as he was his father's. and my son will eventually come to the same realization himself, and the chain will continue. one thing though, i am DEFINITELY NOT doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. my life is not about the decisions i make... it is about the actions i take... these are my living legacy..

a large snowflake drifts down and extinguishes my cigarette, and i am jolted back into the here and now, a decision has been made, a turning point reached... now is the time for action.

as my feet crunch through the new snow, i hear a faint voice drifting on the wind, and i know once again.. i am fine.. they taught me well, and they are with me.... the voice seems to say... "ya know boy, i hated salad too"

guess ill go inside have a glass of tea with splenda, and have a salad.... uggh!
peace
-dawg

p.s. if this doesnt make sense, just give it a while.... it will

the donut blues.

so today somebody asked me how i had been doing over the last couple of days. as is my norm, i gave a completely honest answer "abso-fucking-lutely crappy".
people just don't know how to take that for an answer... i guess we are so used to giving non-committal "bubble gum" answers, that a bit of honesty can be just a tad overwhelming..
welcome to MY WORLD (you poor poor bastards)

so.. back to yesterday... (the most mind numbingly painful and frustrating days in a loooong while).

first off, i am sufferring (and i do mean TORMENT OF THE DAMMNED here, type suffering) from hemmorhoids...(sorry i know its TMI, but ya gotta uderstand where i am coming from). secondly, i broke my foot last week or so, and it was finally starting to get a bit les painful.

so take these two things together, and well.. i am walking around abit like a penguin with a rather large rose bush up its ass. (laugh now and i swear to god i will send jr to maul you!)

so there we are (wife, penguin-boy, and jr) doing some errands shopping etc..
after braving wally world, it is decided that as a treat we would stop by and grab a dozen donuts (oooohhhhh chocolatey goodnes rox) before stopping by the post office, and then going home..
donuts aqquired.. on to the post office......(up till now things have been going ok).

open door to post office, and enter some kind of twilight zone induced nightmare.
8 people in line in front of me, and ONE CLERK!!! go figure, as i take my place in line i notice this "nice old lady" sitting on a bench filling out what appears to be a 6 inch thick pile of paperwork. i'm thinking to myself... thank god she is not in front of me..... WRONG-O!
we get down to just 3 people in line when the "nice old lady" finishes writing her novel and goes creeping up to the counter... turns out she was just sent off to the side to "fill out a little paperwork" the first clerk looks up and says "sorry folks this is gonna take a while".

the entire line gives a silent yet noticeable sigh of frustration. apparently this lady is getting around 5,000 dollars worth of money orders, and they have to do some federal reporting forms for this crap. the clerk fiddles around with his computer for a second, and then dissapears inn the back.... 2-3 minutes later and a second clerk comes out of the back (i swear she was rubbing the sleep outta her eyes) and gets the next people in line... she says to the crowd, i bet ya'll would like some chairs, (now she says this as a joke), "nice old lady" old lady says "YES i DO NEED a chair" it takes the clerk a second to realize that in fact the old lady is being serious... to which the clerk says in stunned surprise, maam do you really want a chair? "crotchety old bat" snaps back "YES, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M SICK" (well no,, not without my x-ray eyes, i think to myself)

well the clerk realizes that in fact there are NO CHAIRS to be had, actually grabs her own stool and hands it over to the counter to the "mean probable cat-lady" (i'm thinking to myself.. 20 lb metal stool+ 80 yr old bat with a walker ='s bad news) ain't nobody else budging, as "nasty old twat" fumbles the stool, and i do what comes naturally.... i go bolting out of line, whip around the corner and skid to a stop, grabbing the falling chair (which probably wouldve broken this ole bird's leg) and gently placing it on the floor with a polite "here you go maam".

as i limp back to my place in line(ohh yes... the skidding to a stop ended up with a crunch as my healing/broken foot slammed into the counter and quite efficiently was re-broken) the lady immediately in front of me says,,, "wow that was quick" i reply that well, thats what ya do.. you help where needed...... the "wicked witch of the west" now comfortably ensconsed on her stool literally scowls at us and hisses out a "harrumph".. time passes and FINALLY i get up to the counter, and the clerk looks me in the and says thank you loudly... and i swear to god.... "cruella deville" mutters (loud enought to be clearly heard) "for what?".
(one more fucking comment and i'm gonna break this bats hip personally) i restrain my self and just reply back to the clerk " oh no problem, that's how i was raised- to be NICE TO PEOPLE"
she just chuckles, and completes my postal business, and i'm on my way out the door. at this time clerk #1 reappears and i swear the old bat says "it's about time, i thought you ran off with my money"... ok i'm am so glad i am not some bitter old bat that feels honor bound to share her misery with the world...

off i head back to my nice safe cave.... at this point i am frigging steamed.. old bat really got my dander up..... my foot is fucking throbbing.... (think rap musci base-line throbbing) and i feel like i have a pineapple shoved halfway up my ass.... i have 2 donuts and give up... just gonna take a nap...... thatll work.


fast forward 2 hours later..
jr gently wakes me up by slamming a large plastic toy into my bedroom door at 30 mph.....

soo.. i get up...
tired,
cranky,
pineapple up ass feeling,
foot fucking whooping me with pain....

donuts... yeah donuts will fix this..

go to kitchen...

donut

box

empty.................................


count to 300 and go crawl back in bed........ the world fucking hates me..

ill just lay here and hate it back.

peace
-dawg

ok, short quick breaths and.........PUUUSH!

well, here we are just a couple of months past the "whats in it for me" holidays. (xmas, new year,)

and blasting right through the "did i forget something" holidays (valentines, easter, vets day, moms/dads day etc...)
soooo..... ok, short quick breaths and.........PUUUSH! %*POP*% pulle head outta butt!

what gives here?? why exactly do i need a holiday to remind me of what i should be doing on a regular basis?? namely telling those around me what they truly mean to me.
frankly if your hubby/wife/significant other is important(or at least low impact ) enough to spend the majority of your free time with, maybe.. just maybe it might be time to let them know exactly how you feel about them.
now of course if ya can't stand em.. ya just might want to kepp that one to yourself (or invest in good quality body armor, or a trip to south america).

i know i get so wrapped up in the rigors of daily life that i casually fling "i love you's" over my shoulder in passing, enough so, that they are are really a verbal equivalent of "uh huh, yep, whatever"

now i'm so engrossed in all my "important" crap, that i need a barrage of candy commercials and chocolate hearts/bunnies/eggs etc to remind me that.. well.. ya know... i really do love em...

so do me a favor, and go find that special someone and tell em "you know, you REALLY ARE important to me, and you mean the world to me!" STOP READING and DO THIS NOW!

..... heeey wait!!! come back!!!!

see a veteran/cop/fireman.... shake his/her hand and tell em thanks.

yer kids.... well hell, just snag em in passing and give em a big ole hug... and when they go "eewwww daaaad!" just smile and walk away..

peace
-dawg

i'm channeling my pet... really i am!

the lazy blue lump is getting old, and that's old with a capitol O!!
she's starting to get a bit.. well.... grumpy.. (scratch that, shes downright crotchety).
difficulty walking?.. check. getting up to pee multiple times at nigh... for sure. picky bout what she eats.. no doubt. and the hair.... it's turning a nice frost shade of gray, mostly round the chin/nose area, and just a bit round the temples..

AAAWWWW CRAP.......I JUST FREAKING DESCRIBED MYSELF!!

well i guess the old adage about "the longer you have a pet the more you begin to resemble each other"

ok thats it.... this is the straw that broke the camels back!!, HEEEEY wait a second..... i wonder if just maybe sammie "becomes" MY dog... will that perhaps reverse the "aging" trend..

so for arguments sake lets just see what the benefits of this might be..

younger dog=
gets aroused when wind blows.. ok sounds good to me
drools constantly..... well maybe not..
can and will eat anything..... ahh the vigour of youth!
energy.. limitless energy......

yep.. jr can have the old fucker, and ill take the new one..

and how exactly is that not justice???
peace
-dawg

my dog is "special"

WE TODD DID. if ya don't get it, say it out loud to yourself, slowly.

my dog sammy is "special" and yes i mean he is jerry's kids special!

in most cases he is a typical juvenile labrador, he fetches, he runs, he bounces, all nonstop for hours on end (personally i think the energizer bunny got a piece of his mom).

but some times i just look at him and think to myself.... "STOOOOOOPID"! take fetching for instance. at first i was worried that he might have vision problems, .....nope! i can whip a ball at him at top speed and he'll frigging latch onto a ball whizzing by his head like a snapping turtle after a fish and almost never misses (and i dont throw slow... i played first base in high school.. if i hit ya with a ball at speed.... broken bones ensue) but throw a ball where he has to chase it.... stooopidty ensues..
so i am standing out front smoking and i decide to throw the ball for the dog... i grab the ball from the ledge on the front of the house, and sammy goes into "matrix mode", he FREEZES in place and lcoks his eyes on the ball.. you can see the concentration.
i toss the ball into the neigbors yard...
scrabble scrabble scrabble..... gallop gallop gallop .... clomp (sound of jaws guillotining shut on the ball).............. WHAAANNGGG!!...... well.. looks like the neighbors gonna have crappy reception on their dish network tonight.

lets try that again...... toss ball again!
scrabble scrabble scrabble scrabble..... gallop gallop gallop......clomp...................THHUUDD!
ok now thats just retarded.... i can get ya maybe... just maybe not seeing and running into a 6 inch round pole with a 2 foot satellite dish...... but holee hell, how do you run into a fricking house.... it's not like it jumped in your way all of a sudden!

is he a clumsy puppy??? nope... fucker goes from standing still to jumping diagonally...BACKWARDS.... OVER A FREAKING 3 foot high WALL... and doesnt so much as look once... land perfectly.

well, once more into the breach...
scrabble scrabble scrabble..... gallop gallop gallop .... CRASH!!

OMFG i'm gonna kill you you damn dog.. you dented the side of my car for gawds sake....

what more need i say...
WE TODD DID!

peace
-dawg

outback special!, or (how the fries stole new year)

allrighty folks, rant time!

as ya'll know i'm not too bad in the kitchen, so consequently i don't eat out very often, and when i do it tends to be on special occasions.

we decided after multiple hours of shopping(with a restless screaming toddler no less) to grab a to go order from the outback steakhouse here in clarksville tn.

visions of golden melted cheese atop my french fires, and succulent tasty cow filled my head...
so off we go to order our dinner, upon placing my order with obligatory modifications and additions, we were told that it would be ready in about 25 minutes.
we decided to mosey up to the bar and grab a soda while we waited, and jr promptly started pointing out all the "sharks" on the wall and growling at the wait staff (do sharks growl???)
after about 15 minutes of growls, gnashing teeth and general toddler underfootedness, it was decide that maybe we should go wait in the car, as that would severely reduce the chance of injury, and maybe maintain a touch more sanity.

we watch, and wait...and wait.... and wait... as multiple cars come and go picking up ther to-go orders. ath the 45 minute mark, jr starts in on his mantra.... "i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food"..
no son its not
"i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food"..
no
"i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food"..
NO
"i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food".. (this last one said with genuine tears)
no, but the next order damn well better be..

at an hour i decide to walk in and find out if they were done slaughtering the cow, and perhaps would we see our food sometime this decade.. when to my surprise out pops the order taker with a huge bag o chow....and tells me "i'm very sorry sir, we are very busy, it should'nt have taken so long"

well at this point i am tired, frustrated and hungry.... hell if ya took a shoe and put a little salt on it, i would've eaten it..
so off to the house we go to eat our tasty tasty cow in peace.

here is te meal broken down by item and what my expectations were vs. what we actually recieved.

appetizer : Aussie cheese fries with extra bacon and cheese
expected: golden brown fries topped with moleten cheese filling the container.
reality: sad little pile of blackened/dark brown fries that MIGHT have filled HALF the container with a mangled strip of bacon and some crumbles to boot, atop a pathetic sprinkling of cheese.
(i guess extra cheese/bacon means, ."they want FREEBIES.???? give em the CRAP from the back o the bin")

entree #1 ***EDEN'S***outback special (12 oz sirloin) medium rare
expected: (should be thin red line in center)
reality: little bit o pinkish tint to leather like grayish meat like substance
(i think ill order a bbq'd hoof next time.. good lord it would have to be more tender than what we got)

entree #2 ****SEANS**** flo's fillet 9oz filet rare
expected: (should be warm red center)
reality: ask for rare.. get medium.... par for the course... most gristly fillet i have ever had, additionally tasted a bit sour, as if aged too long, or just left out for a couple o hours.
(oh sure, i just ask for rare, because i actually want my steak cooked to death with a flamethrower...... rare people means , if ya stick the steak with a fork it fucking goes MOO!)

entree #3 ****jr's**** jackaroo chicken fingers
expected: chicken fingers
reality: chicken fingers
(holy crap, even outback can't screw up deep fried chicken bits)

veggies: steamed vegatables
expected: cooked
reality: dipped in warm water for 5 minutes.
(im all for natural vitamins and minerals.... but at least defrost the fucking veggies first)

conclusions.... if out back is "BUSY" and you get a to go order, they ASSUME taht you will:
a: not check your order before leaving (got that right)

b: will choke down whatever mediocre fodder they give you ( right again, never underestimate tired and hungry)

and c: take it up the ass and not complain! ( WRONG-O....)

conclusion, .. barring any response to the complaint left on outbacks website. time for a personal boycott of outback...
i highly suggest that any of you who happen to swing through the clarksville tn area, avoid the outback here at all costs... go to longhorn or logans instead..
aditionally, if you have an experience at an outback that sux... CALL AND COMPLAIN.. let em know that ya wont be screwed by them!

rant off...............
peace
-dawg