communication error

communication error....

first of let me preface this entry.. it is not a funny entry, and in fact for some folks it may be downright painful.

this is a weB LOG (an online diary) so here i go ....diarizing!

i write as a RELEASE! and if ya cringe at my misspellings and bad grammar.. PISS OFF! i write as it flows out of me, and i feel that going back and correcting is "cheating" and detracts from the honesty.
sometimes when i write it comes across as funny or humorous (so some people say anyhow) and sometimes it is serious.

this i feel is neither... it well.. just is.

i have been experienceing a "communications error" lately, aww frak this sugar coated shite.. I AM BROKEN

i CAN NOT TALK FACE TO FACE with those closest to me.....the only way i can start to figure this crap out is to write.

i am bipolar, or "manic depressive" if you will. and as a rule i tend to stay towards the "manic" end of things, and while it is irritating and not too fun, i can usually deal with things.

being bipolar does not mean i lack willpower or drive or what not, very simply i like many others, was either born with or developed a chemical imbalance in my brain. this imbalance affects different people in different ways, for me it just means i find it exceptionally hard to focus on one thing or find it tough to "shut down" my brain.. end result... ferret on redbull thats been doing crank for a week straight.. frankly this is wher my "humour" comes from (you try it for a month or so, and see if reality don't get a bit strange for you too)...

my "depressive" state.. now that is a completely different animal... a much bigger nastier animal in fact...

in ancient rome as the conquering hero paraded to the forum at the reigns of his chariot, he always had a slave standing behind him holding a laurel wreath (noo not olive as is commonly portrayed) and the slave would whisper into the hero's ear as the crowds cheered his glory.. he would say "remember, thou too, art mortal" (incidentally this is where we get the term "fleeting glory" from, wise buggers those romans were)

my depression is like that slave, except its more like a vicious gorilla throttling me, whilee hissing at me... you are worthless......

this.. is where i have been for a little while now...

NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY OR ADVICE..... DO NOT GIVE EITHER... (guarantee if ya do, i will respond.. and it WILL NOT BE FRIENDLY OR NICE)

THIS
IS
A
RELEASE

ohh yeah.. in my BAD depression spells (like now) i also tend towards the extremely agressively angry side of life

if anything i say strikes a chord in you, and you feel you must respond... post it as a comment, so others can see...maybe YOUR experience can help someone else.. if not

IT
IS
A
RELEASE

anyway...

i make no bones about who i am or what i do, and honestly nor do i give a rats ass what MOST people think ... if ya like me .. kool... if ya think i'm an ass.. well yer right there too...fortunately i tend to be the type of "abrasive personality" that people can tolerate, and frankly because of my "lack o bullshit" a personality that some people value, for the honesty that ensues.

so, yeah
depressed... way the fuck down...
reasons... none really... chemicals in gray mush are screwed again, meds are whacked and need to be adjusted (already in progress).
solution..... working on it... try and not blow up on loved ones.... stay at home and avoid the public...... last time it got this bad, folks got assaulted, and shortly thereafter i crawled under the bed for a week (literally)

i know that there is an end to this, that adjusting the meds WILL work... but it's gonna take a bit, hell it took me a couple o weeks to really see what has been going on...

been locked up inside my own skull for a bit now, and that is a REALLY crappy neighborhood to cruise when i'm like this.
yeah yeah, i know, a little "perspective" might put things in a different light.. but in this mode i could give a fuck less what your perspective is.. i am the one in my skin.. you aren't.

once, long ago, wheni was in a vewry similiar state i actually had a healthcare professional (recent graduate) tell me (in an effort to "help" give me perspective) "think about those poor people on the streets that don't have the opportunities that you have"
my response was pretty simple..... "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THOSE FUCKERS....if ya feel so much for em.. go fucking fix em ya fucking moron"

yes, i have though about offing myslef..(fleeting idiotic thought....)
yes, i have also thought about voluntarily checking in to a nut ward for a bit...(still mulling that one over)
yes, i feel like crap, and don not want to deal with jack shit right now...

fer chrissakes i threw a goddamn fit over the fucking DISHES being dirty last night..... THE DAMN DISHES...
little crap is what fucks me up... the big shit really is no sweat....
its a "death by a thousand papercuts) sort of thing...
like most folks when large issues arise, i instinctively know how to deal with em.... but the little annoyances, bumps, scrapes and bruises, of daily life.... they add up quick and beat me the fuck down...

(REMEMBER NOTE UP TOP.......NO ADVICE/SYMPATHY)

i am working on it... gonna talk to my shrink tomorrow....(again)

ya know... i feel a bit less crappy...
HAH
it is a release...

btw if ya made it this far, and any of this rings true for you....you are not alone TALK/WRITE about it... just try and get a little bit of that crap outta yer head.. it helps.. trust me.. i know
feel free to drop me a line if ya want

peace
-dawg