well it's christmas morning the holiday frog has hopped into the house, and the living room looks as if it has suffered an aerial bombardment (think small nuclear detonation). it truly is amazing how christmas gifts and their wrapping can be separated into their constituent pieces in such a small amount of time.
late last night after the mutant went to bed, santa delivered a veritable avalanche of stuff for him. of course santa's #1 helper (dad) lent a hand with the "some assembly required" (what the hell do i do with the extra pieces anyway?) presents. some time in the early hours of christmas morning, daddy finally finished assembling jr's treasure trove of toys (and then scooped the aforementioned extras into a box) and promptly shuffled off to bed, to pass out for a couple of hours.
"truck....TRUCK..... TTTRRRRRUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!.............................ooooooohhhh legos!...........LLLLEEEEGGGGOOOOSSSSS!!!!" the screech startled me awake so violently, that in my rush to take a deep breath i damn near swallowed my pillow. ahhhh the joy of watching a 3 1/2 yr old discovering christmas.. then over the next 2 hours (painful, joy filled, bewildering, and slightly hallucinogenic hours) jr unwrapped sampled, played with, and then destroyed all manner of legos, dumptrucks, video games, books, clothes and wrapping paper.
now i am left staring at a play table covered with the sad remains of many wrecked lego vehicles and buildings (looks a little bit like baghdad) mounds of wrapping papers and candy wrappers...
...ohh yeah... the HOLIDAY FROG, dang forgot all about him... the holiday frog is a new family tradition, he appears only at certain holidays such as easter, christmas and halloween (the ones sponsored byt the chocolate conglomerates of course). he comes bearing a carefully chosen mix of treats for the boy ( heeeeeyyyy look! the chocolate pumpkins are 90% off and they only expired yesterday....) once the frog has been stripped of his treats (and what little dignity he once had) he goes into hiding (recovery) for another few months.
i would like to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a happy new year.
a special thanks to: auntie lala, unka steve, santa, gamma, mom, and auntie kate. xavier had a blast and enjoyed the many presents and blessing heaped upon him.
p.s. a very special thanks to the HOLIDAY FROG, .... may therapy heal your pyschological trauma.
-peace to all
dawg
merry christmas, to all.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
who we really are: part 2 "mutant musings"
I realized I have been sadly remiss in actually introducing all of you to the lead characters in this blog about our strange little world. I realize that I have been afflicting all of you with my adult ADD (actually i'm disorganized and just plain lazy) and have left out a significant amount of background, well to rectify this glaring omission I will be doing a short series containing a 10 question and answer session with each of the main dramatis personae of our little drama.
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the mutant
Q: What is your name?
A: xavier john, although I much prefer “he who must be obeyed” aka. Mutant, stinkbutt, or rottenling.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: pizza.... no.. chocolate.... no.. pizza.... wait a sec ..ummm chocolate pizza with cake on top, yeah thats it!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: see this hammer?, see that sleeping dog??.... heh heh watch this!
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: mom.... no questions about it, ... mom,...... unless she's pissed at me , then it would have to be dad.
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: honestly I like everyone... all of you are perfect subjects for my up-coming tyrannical rule.... heh
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: I have been thinking about upgrades lately, I just might start building those laser beam eyeballs.
Q: How old are you?
A: BOW DOWN. IMPUDENT WEASEL!!!! old enough to show YOU who's boss!
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: hammer, sleeping dog, .... muahahahaha that was freaking cool!
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: the hammer factory.......... HERE MOLLIE!!!!
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: WORLD DOMINATION, ... what you dont think I can do it???..... well if george w bush can be president, surely a 3 year old can take over the world... sheesh! I mean seriously the 3yrd old is smarter, not to mention, the 3yr old is potty trained as well !!!
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the mutant
Q: What is your name?
A: xavier john, although I much prefer “he who must be obeyed” aka. Mutant, stinkbutt, or rottenling.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: pizza.... no.. chocolate.... no.. pizza.... wait a sec ..ummm chocolate pizza with cake on top, yeah thats it!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: see this hammer?, see that sleeping dog??.... heh heh watch this!
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: mom.... no questions about it, ... mom,...... unless she's pissed at me , then it would have to be dad.
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: honestly I like everyone... all of you are perfect subjects for my up-coming tyrannical rule.... heh
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: I have been thinking about upgrades lately, I just might start building those laser beam eyeballs.
Q: How old are you?
A: BOW DOWN. IMPUDENT WEASEL!!!! old enough to show YOU who's boss!
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: hammer, sleeping dog, .... muahahahaha that was freaking cool!
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: the hammer factory.......... HERE MOLLIE!!!!
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: WORLD DOMINATION, ... what you dont think I can do it???..... well if george w bush can be president, surely a 3 year old can take over the world... sheesh! I mean seriously the 3yrd old is smarter, not to mention, the 3yr old is potty trained as well !!!
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
who we really are: part 1 "the lump speaketh"
I realized I have been sadly remiss in actually introducing all of you to the lead characters in this blog about our strange little world. I realize that I have been afflicting all of you with my adult ADD (actually i'm disorganized and just plain lazy) and have left out a significant amount of background, well to rectify this glaring omission I will be doing a short series containing a 10 question and answer session with each of the main dramatis personae of our little drama.
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the lump
Q: What is your name?
A: i'm not really sure, I answer to mollie, lazy blue lump, retarded dog, and stinky. So any of those would work for me
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: FOOD??? did you say food? .........uuuummmmmm fooooood!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: hey, could we hurry this up? I'm feeling a bit sleepy.
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: thats kind of hard to say, dad is pretty cool cause he gives me tasty treats. But in all honesty i'd have to say momma cause she is forever dropping tasty tasty crap on the floor (god narcolepsy is great)
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: *&%^%&% little mutant bastard, I swear i'm gonna piss on him while he is sleeping.... and his
$@$#$%$ hammer too.
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: hmmmmm maybe armor-plating would be nice, that crap assed hammer freaking HURTS.
Q: How old are you?
A: what are you retarded? I'm a dog I can't friggin count! Damn old, thats for sure.
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: well there was that one time that momma dropped half a steak.
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: as far-fucking away from that rotten little mutant as possible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: sleep, eat, sleep some more, and revenge. ..... now bugger off I told ya I need a nap
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the lump
Q: What is your name?
A: i'm not really sure, I answer to mollie, lazy blue lump, retarded dog, and stinky. So any of those would work for me
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: FOOD??? did you say food? .........uuuummmmmm fooooood!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: hey, could we hurry this up? I'm feeling a bit sleepy.
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: thats kind of hard to say, dad is pretty cool cause he gives me tasty treats. But in all honesty i'd have to say momma cause she is forever dropping tasty tasty crap on the floor (god narcolepsy is great)
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: *&%^%&% little mutant bastard, I swear i'm gonna piss on him while he is sleeping.... and his
$@$#$%$ hammer too.
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: hmmmmm maybe armor-plating would be nice, that crap assed hammer freaking HURTS.
Q: How old are you?
A: what are you retarded? I'm a dog I can't friggin count! Damn old, thats for sure.
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: well there was that one time that momma dropped half a steak.
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: as far-fucking away from that rotten little mutant as possible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: sleep, eat, sleep some more, and revenge. ..... now bugger off I told ya I need a nap
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
breakfast of champions
i am a guy, and as such tend to do very GUY things, such as miss meals and eat completely innapropriate foods at extremely innappropriate times.
example i belive that a red bull anda slim jim(nacho cheese flavor) is truly the breakfast of champions.
that being said, i really do not understand why the wife gets so bent out of shape when i feed the mutant chunky bars for breakfast. i mean its MILK chocolate peanuts and raisins right? hell its damn near a granola bar right?..... right???...... aww come on people a little help here would be nice!
what i truly did not count on (momentary lapse of reality) was the EFFECT feeding a 3yr old a chunky bar would have on the relative tranquility of our happy ( STRANGE ) home.
honestly, i'm not sure if buying him some crack and maybe a side order of meth would have had any different effect, except he probably would have been calmer on crack!
thanks to my idiocy momma is now wearing a screaming 37 pound flesh colored cape (think monkey up a tree and ya will get some idea).
..... skitter skitter ....THUMP.... yeeeep! heh heh!
aww crap, where did i put my demonology 101 text at??
hmmm sounds like a great time to go out and run around with my buddy (gonna pay BIIIG for this one tonight) escape seems like the only viable option..
peace
-dawg
example i belive that a red bull anda slim jim(nacho cheese flavor) is truly the breakfast of champions.
that being said, i really do not understand why the wife gets so bent out of shape when i feed the mutant chunky bars for breakfast. i mean its MILK chocolate peanuts and raisins right? hell its damn near a granola bar right?..... right???...... aww come on people a little help here would be nice!
what i truly did not count on (momentary lapse of reality) was the EFFECT feeding a 3yr old a chunky bar would have on the relative tranquility of our happy ( STRANGE ) home.
honestly, i'm not sure if buying him some crack and maybe a side order of meth would have had any different effect, except he probably would have been calmer on crack!
thanks to my idiocy momma is now wearing a screaming 37 pound flesh colored cape (think monkey up a tree and ya will get some idea).
..... skitter skitter ....THUMP.... yeeeep! heh heh!
aww crap, where did i put my demonology 101 text at??
hmmm sounds like a great time to go out and run around with my buddy (gonna pay BIIIG for this one tonight) escape seems like the only viable option..
peace
-dawg
Monday, October 15, 2007
this is where the cowboy.....screams like a little girl!
most of ya'll were probably raised on a fairly full diet of westerns and other such cowboy related crap-ola as kids (or maybe i'm just too freaking old).
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
Saturday, September 29, 2007
the itsy bitsy PIE-SIR
...got squished by a book.
sorry for the delay between entries, but what the hell i gotta emerge into real life every now and again. problem is, i kinda got stuck in the real world for a bit.
i was sitting down talking to mama this morning, and we both had an epiphany! the mutant does not in fact actually speak in english at all, rather he has his own language which has some roots in english and some based in god only knows what. (personally i'm leaning towards dolphin or whale)
i am going to share a few choice phrases and words and their suspecetd etymology with you. (E)= english base (?)= unknown base ((probably dolphin)). and their real life usages (irl)
CHOCK-IT (E) chocolate: (irl) hey ya see that plane over there?, ya might wanna CHOCK IT so it don't roll off!
PIE-SER (E) spider: (irl) why yes i would love a piece of PIE sir!
DAG_GUN (E) dragon (irl) that DAG_GUN cat been walking on the hood of my truck again!
JOOSH (E) juice (irl) ((must be waaay drunk)) JOOSH see thee siize of thash chicken!
(the next couple i wont try real life examples as they just dont work to well in print, the really need to be expierenced in their full pitch and volume to be properly appreciated)
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEEEE (?) please stop
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEeeee (?) that was fun, lets do it again!
in all honesty, i occasionally get worried about the mutants verbal skills, i mean there is a neighbor kid who is two, that constantly asks "where da dog" and "where da kid" (of course i personally think that these are the only 2 phrases that kid actually knows).
that worry completely dissappears when he bust's out choice phrases like "HEEEEEYYY lookit the robut bunneeeee, ......... KOOOOL" (this one right after changing my desktop wallpaper to the infamous "rivet crappin rabbit"
well the point is that while he may not use too many recognizable english phrases/words all that often, it is absolutely frightenning how much he understands...(and makes cleaning the house reeaaallll easy, " hey go put your legos up, and bring me my drink"
-peace
sorry for the delay between entries, but what the hell i gotta emerge into real life every now and again. problem is, i kinda got stuck in the real world for a bit.
i was sitting down talking to mama this morning, and we both had an epiphany! the mutant does not in fact actually speak in english at all, rather he has his own language which has some roots in english and some based in god only knows what. (personally i'm leaning towards dolphin or whale)
i am going to share a few choice phrases and words and their suspecetd etymology with you. (E)= english base (?)= unknown base ((probably dolphin)). and their real life usages (irl)
CHOCK-IT (E) chocolate: (irl) hey ya see that plane over there?, ya might wanna CHOCK IT so it don't roll off!
PIE-SER (E) spider: (irl) why yes i would love a piece of PIE sir!
DAG_GUN (E) dragon (irl) that DAG_GUN cat been walking on the hood of my truck again!
JOOSH (E) juice (irl) ((must be waaay drunk)) JOOSH see thee siize of thash chicken!
(the next couple i wont try real life examples as they just dont work to well in print, the really need to be expierenced in their full pitch and volume to be properly appreciated)
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEEEE (?) please stop
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEeeee (?) that was fun, lets do it again!
in all honesty, i occasionally get worried about the mutants verbal skills, i mean there is a neighbor kid who is two, that constantly asks "where da dog" and "where da kid" (of course i personally think that these are the only 2 phrases that kid actually knows).
that worry completely dissappears when he bust's out choice phrases like "HEEEEEYYY lookit the robut bunneeeee, ......... KOOOOL" (this one right after changing my desktop wallpaper to the infamous "rivet crappin rabbit"
well the point is that while he may not use too many recognizable english phrases/words all that often, it is absolutely frightenning how much he understands...(and makes cleaning the house reeaaallll easy, " hey go put your legos up, and bring me my drink"
-peace
Sunday, August 5, 2007
cracking the code: final:: under new management
thankfully disaster has been completely averted.... thanks to the lumps defection from the mutants army of conquest, i had a chance to save us all...
god i am such a moron, all this time i was thinking it was mental powers the mutant was using. well i seemed to miss the OBVIOUS... remember the remote control??? it seems that it was not a toy car remote, rather it was a UNIVERSAL remote. and sure enought the little booger was using it to control his universe, and mine... and the neighbors...etc.. i'm thinking ya'll get the point.
all this information was passed on by the arch-traitor lump... apparantly the mutant got a little stingy with the snacks, and when the lump was faced with a choice between loyalty to the mutant, or a tasty treat... well her spine snapped and she defected to the side of the good and righteous.
and when i say it snapped, i mean it SNAPPED. i mean one second, she's sitting by the mutants side, and then ....... "CRAAACK" followed by a rather subdued "pop" (the sound of air being displaced by her teleportation) she is 20 feet away , laying on her side with her nose damn near touching her tail and slobbering over the piece of steak i had just dropped on the floor.
and they say red meat is bad for you..... the hell with that.. carnivores rule!!!
anyway, in return for another pice of steak she spilled all.. thus armed with the knowledge so recently aquired, i managed to sneak into the mutants command center (his room) snitched his universal remote and removed the batteries.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
fast forward to the next afternoon.... the mutant walks into the living room, fixes mom and me with a steely glare and says.... bugu pleez!
after about 2 minutes with no response from either one of us, the mutant stalks into his room momentarily and then returns with the remote... BUGU PLEEZ!!!!
the look of consternation plastered on the mutants face turns to a smug grin as i get up from the couch and head towards the kitchen (and incidentally the door closest to the car) while in the kitchen i hear the mutant babbling to the lump in triumph (little knowing of the defection, or that disaster approaches)
i exit the kitchen as greedy little mutant paws claw the air before me in expectation of a whopper jr.... and recieved a pb&j instead!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! the heart rending scream of anguish, that issued from the mutants throat filled me with pure joy in knowing that i had triumphed... with a fierce scowl the mutant threw his remote on the ground (he knew instantly that he had been thwarted and his weapon neutralized) screamed "FINE" and ran wailing back to his room..
no doubt as i write this he is planning some all new plot, but now that we are aware of his capabilities , we shall be vigilant... and if he slips something by us, there is always the turncoat..
"the price of peace is eternal vigilance"
-dawg
god i am such a moron, all this time i was thinking it was mental powers the mutant was using. well i seemed to miss the OBVIOUS... remember the remote control??? it seems that it was not a toy car remote, rather it was a UNIVERSAL remote. and sure enought the little booger was using it to control his universe, and mine... and the neighbors...etc.. i'm thinking ya'll get the point.
all this information was passed on by the arch-traitor lump... apparantly the mutant got a little stingy with the snacks, and when the lump was faced with a choice between loyalty to the mutant, or a tasty treat... well her spine snapped and she defected to the side of the good and righteous.
and when i say it snapped, i mean it SNAPPED. i mean one second, she's sitting by the mutants side, and then ....... "CRAAACK" followed by a rather subdued "pop" (the sound of air being displaced by her teleportation) she is 20 feet away , laying on her side with her nose damn near touching her tail and slobbering over the piece of steak i had just dropped on the floor.
and they say red meat is bad for you..... the hell with that.. carnivores rule!!!
anyway, in return for another pice of steak she spilled all.. thus armed with the knowledge so recently aquired, i managed to sneak into the mutants command center (his room) snitched his universal remote and removed the batteries.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
fast forward to the next afternoon.... the mutant walks into the living room, fixes mom and me with a steely glare and says.... bugu pleez!
after about 2 minutes with no response from either one of us, the mutant stalks into his room momentarily and then returns with the remote... BUGU PLEEZ!!!!
the look of consternation plastered on the mutants face turns to a smug grin as i get up from the couch and head towards the kitchen (and incidentally the door closest to the car) while in the kitchen i hear the mutant babbling to the lump in triumph (little knowing of the defection, or that disaster approaches)
i exit the kitchen as greedy little mutant paws claw the air before me in expectation of a whopper jr.... and recieved a pb&j instead!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! the heart rending scream of anguish, that issued from the mutants throat filled me with pure joy in knowing that i had triumphed... with a fierce scowl the mutant threw his remote on the ground (he knew instantly that he had been thwarted and his weapon neutralized) screamed "FINE" and ran wailing back to his room..
no doubt as i write this he is planning some all new plot, but now that we are aware of his capabilities , we shall be vigilant... and if he slips something by us, there is always the turncoat..
"the price of peace is eternal vigilance"
-dawg
Thursday, July 26, 2007
cracking the code: part three (resistance!!)
now that we know that ANYONE might be one of the mutants zombie victims, i think now might be time to give a few tips on how to resist the insidious powers of the mutant..
1. when the mutant (or a zombie victim) ask for coke or candy, quickly hand them juice and cheese crackers (this seems to confuse and weaken him/them) ...if he/they starts to make piercing whinig noises.. rejoice you are RESISTING the domination.
2. when he/they become stubborn and refuse to complete a set task, quickly 9877^&$%^%%^........................ try ^$&&^$&()5646756..........................
the mewtent iiissss gooooood.....
........ohhhh lord the pain.......
the mewtant iissssssss yuuuurr frennndddd!!!
.......
...
.............................. fleee while you still can...^&$* rghhhhh.....
yooo wiiilllll ooooobbbeyy theee mewtant
1. when the mutant (or a zombie victim) ask for coke or candy, quickly hand them juice and cheese crackers (this seems to confuse and weaken him/them) ...if he/they starts to make piercing whinig noises.. rejoice you are RESISTING the domination.
2. when he/they become stubborn and refuse to complete a set task, quickly 9877^&$%^%%^........................ try ^$&&^$&()5646756..........................
the mewtent iiissss gooooood.....
........ohhhh lord the pain.......
the mewtant iissssssss yuuuurr frennndddd!!!
.......
...
.............................. fleee while you still can...^&$* rghhhhh.....
yooo wiiilllll ooooobbbeyy theee mewtant
cracking the code: part two ( world domination tour 2007 )
..... coming soon, to a home near you!
it is becoming frustratingly evident that "the code" is not just verbal, but rather is comprised of a bewildering array of sounds, gestures and expressions.
that being said, the depths of depravity the mutant is willing to explore shock even my callous soul..
during a recent trip to the grocery store we (mama, mutant, and i) ran into a friend of mine who works at the store, and proceeded to chat for a minute.. my friend (who has has only slight contact with the mutant) looks over at the smug little tyrant and says hi to the mutant. the mutant then proceed to launch a full blown assault against this poor unsuspecting fool (my friend).
the mutant looks back at my friend cracks an impish grin, and says in a rather commanding tone "HIIII!!!!" and just about leaps out of my arms at my friend (for a second i was wondering if he was going for the jugular) and opens his arms wide for a hug...
my friend goes slightly cross eyed (obviously under the mutants mind control at this point) as the little bugger clings to his neck like a 25 pound leech. in a moment of supreme will my friend seems able to break the trance for a second (mutant was momentarily distracted by a cookie i thnk) and hands the mutant back to me.
now comes the truly HORRIFIC part!!!
my friend (by now slightly vacant-eyed) start rummaging in his pocket.. i am kind of wondering what the hell is going on when he sort of stiffens up ( hmmm.. mental crushing of the victims will by the mutant??) and extracts a dollar bill from his pocket and hands it to the mutant..
OHH MY GAWD... he is using random victims to fund his crusade!!!!
i think for a second , and realize that this is not an isolated nor infrequent thing....
an arab shopkeeper friend opening a highly collectible hotwheel and giving it to the mutant
the lady at the movie store with the free balloons....
the stickers at the market...
the neighbors giving him a hot dog THEY were about to eat THEMSELVES!!
whene will it stop.. where do his final ambitions lie........ where will he stop??
..............you.....too......may...........be ...... one of his victims!!!!!
..............................fight............the...........................domination!!!!!!!
-dawg
it is becoming frustratingly evident that "the code" is not just verbal, but rather is comprised of a bewildering array of sounds, gestures and expressions.
that being said, the depths of depravity the mutant is willing to explore shock even my callous soul..
during a recent trip to the grocery store we (mama, mutant, and i) ran into a friend of mine who works at the store, and proceeded to chat for a minute.. my friend (who has has only slight contact with the mutant) looks over at the smug little tyrant and says hi to the mutant. the mutant then proceed to launch a full blown assault against this poor unsuspecting fool (my friend).
the mutant looks back at my friend cracks an impish grin, and says in a rather commanding tone "HIIII!!!!" and just about leaps out of my arms at my friend (for a second i was wondering if he was going for the jugular) and opens his arms wide for a hug...
my friend goes slightly cross eyed (obviously under the mutants mind control at this point) as the little bugger clings to his neck like a 25 pound leech. in a moment of supreme will my friend seems able to break the trance for a second (mutant was momentarily distracted by a cookie i thnk) and hands the mutant back to me.
now comes the truly HORRIFIC part!!!
my friend (by now slightly vacant-eyed) start rummaging in his pocket.. i am kind of wondering what the hell is going on when he sort of stiffens up ( hmmm.. mental crushing of the victims will by the mutant??) and extracts a dollar bill from his pocket and hands it to the mutant..
OHH MY GAWD... he is using random victims to fund his crusade!!!!
i think for a second , and realize that this is not an isolated nor infrequent thing....
an arab shopkeeper friend opening a highly collectible hotwheel and giving it to the mutant
the lady at the movie store with the free balloons....
the stickers at the market...
the neighbors giving him a hot dog THEY were about to eat THEMSELVES!!
whene will it stop.. where do his final ambitions lie........ where will he stop??
..............you.....too......may...........be ...... one of his victims!!!!!
..............................fight............the...........................domination!!!!!!!
-dawg
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
cracking the code: part one (the veil lifts)
now that i am faced with the very real likelihood that the lump and the mutant are in full communication, and in all probabilty plotting world domination behind my back.
it has become imperative that i crack the "code" otherwise known as xavierese..
only with the succsessful infiltration of their secret language can i hope to avert disaster.
so far progress is painfully slow but i have managed to decipher three words and am now able to discern how these once innocent phrases are used to devasting effect on a daily basis..
1. TANK - to you and me a 15 ton metal bohemoth that crushes and destroys enemies in front of it..
....in xavierese tank = SNACK (seems innocent huh?... just you wait!)
2. BUGU (has no known definition in our world)
... in xavierese =BURGER
3. PLEASE i dont even really need to define this for you and me
.. however in xavierese PLEASE is a deadly potent weapon used to secure evrything from toys and treats to the mutant using it to subliminaly control our minds..
for example "please tank" is used to suddenly and completly subsume the target victims will and force them to immediately stop whatever they are doing and go fetch the mutant some for of sugar laden power food formerly known as a "SNACK"
a second example:
"PLEEEASE bugu!! daddy-o" (daddy-o seems to be some form of power word that magnifies the effects of his mind control, only works on me however)
this evil phrase when used with a slight pout to the lips and a glimmering of tears in the eyes, will quite literally suspend all activity in a 20ft radius and instantly cause adults in the area of effect to proceed to burger king and purchase hamburgers for the mutant's enjoyment....
... i am beginning to think that the lump is mentally reinforcing the mutants mind control, as she is always glued to his side whenever he unleashes his dastardly powers...
it took a while to see what the lump gains by assisting the mutant in his rampage towards world domination.. but i have noticed that the mutant gives her bits of candy and hamburger, for which the lump is embarassngly greatful...(hmmm maybe some sort of symbiotic relationship???)
anyway.. i have seen justa a couple of the weapons at the mutant's disposal (and they are truly horrible to be seen in use), and just maybe through identification i might be able to blunt future assaults....
.... if only there is enought time to crack the full code before......
-dawg
it has become imperative that i crack the "code" otherwise known as xavierese..
only with the succsessful infiltration of their secret language can i hope to avert disaster.
so far progress is painfully slow but i have managed to decipher three words and am now able to discern how these once innocent phrases are used to devasting effect on a daily basis..
1. TANK - to you and me a 15 ton metal bohemoth that crushes and destroys enemies in front of it..
....in xavierese tank = SNACK (seems innocent huh?... just you wait!)
2. BUGU (has no known definition in our world)
... in xavierese =BURGER
3. PLEASE i dont even really need to define this for you and me
.. however in xavierese PLEASE is a deadly potent weapon used to secure evrything from toys and treats to the mutant using it to subliminaly control our minds..
for example "please tank" is used to suddenly and completly subsume the target victims will and force them to immediately stop whatever they are doing and go fetch the mutant some for of sugar laden power food formerly known as a "SNACK"
a second example:
"PLEEEASE bugu!! daddy-o" (daddy-o seems to be some form of power word that magnifies the effects of his mind control, only works on me however)
this evil phrase when used with a slight pout to the lips and a glimmering of tears in the eyes, will quite literally suspend all activity in a 20ft radius and instantly cause adults in the area of effect to proceed to burger king and purchase hamburgers for the mutant's enjoyment....
... i am beginning to think that the lump is mentally reinforcing the mutants mind control, as she is always glued to his side whenever he unleashes his dastardly powers...
it took a while to see what the lump gains by assisting the mutant in his rampage towards world domination.. but i have noticed that the mutant gives her bits of candy and hamburger, for which the lump is embarassngly greatful...(hmmm maybe some sort of symbiotic relationship???)
anyway.. i have seen justa a couple of the weapons at the mutant's disposal (and they are truly horrible to be seen in use), and just maybe through identification i might be able to blunt future assaults....
.... if only there is enought time to crack the full code before......
-dawg
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Yet again, my little world has taken a screaming right hand turn into the twilight zone.
... so there i am blissfully enjoyin my hack-n-slash fest ont the computer, when my son comes hurtling out of his room and slams into the back of my chair hard enough to make me worried about massive head trauma.
he then proceeds to tug my elbow repeatedly whilst insistently saying "hey HEY HEY".
shaken out of my blood soaked fantasy, i dislodge myself from the electronic nipple and fix the boy with my best "you are so going to get it" glare and ask him what he wants.
his response, well he hands me a matchbox car then quacks at me and scuttles back to his room.... seriously he QUACKED at me.. it was like some weird pink duck walked in and wanted to say heya.
apparently i was in urgent need of a toy car only i just didnnt know that yet (i still haven't figured out the quack thing). i give a mental shrug and turn back around to my gore-fest and go back to la-la land. after about five minutes or so (at least i THINK it was five minutes...hell it coulda been 2 hours) irealize it is WAAAAY too quiet ... and the dog.... is no where to be seen.. (DANGER will robinson DANGER).
i go whipping outta my chair and start to run to his room (imagining the tortures that have been inflicted on the poor put-upon lump), and nearly break my neck slipping on a cunningly placed toddler devised warning system ( 2nd matchbox car in stealth mode). now so forewarned jr pops his head out of his room and says "hi daddy-o"
i open the door expecting the worst, and there sits the lump comfortably sacked out on jrs bed all happy and shit. i think to myself "well hell... false alarm ... back to the game" and as i start to go back to the computer i hear jr start to babble on in xavierese, i turn around so i can figure out what it is that he wants and sneak up to his room to peer in. now HERE is where the whole thing takes a tailspin into utter madness.
he isnt talking to me at all... he's talking to the feaking LUMP, and shes listening to him. not resignedly tolerating him,, shes staring at him intently apparently hanging on to every word. he stops talking for a second and the damn lump heaves her lazy ass off his bed and trundles over to his toybox and snuffles at his remote control firetruck... i'll be dammned if he doesnt go over to the toybox and grab the truck and remote and cart it over to the bed.
the lump goes back over to the bed and lays down again... meanwhile jr is apparently lecturing the lump about how to control the rc firetruck....
JUST WAIT A FRICKIN MINUTE HERE..... the lump and the toddler are working together now??? and they understand each other as well????
holy sheep shit batman... i'm screwed.. they've banded together, the miscchief factor just increased by a factor of 15 million.
guess it's time i hunker down and break the code (previously xavierese has been a mere curiosity).. maybe the cake and milk will lull them into a false sense of security... but ill keep my eyes open now that i know they can communicate....
-dawg
... so there i am blissfully enjoyin my hack-n-slash fest ont the computer, when my son comes hurtling out of his room and slams into the back of my chair hard enough to make me worried about massive head trauma.
he then proceeds to tug my elbow repeatedly whilst insistently saying "hey HEY HEY".
shaken out of my blood soaked fantasy, i dislodge myself from the electronic nipple and fix the boy with my best "you are so going to get it" glare and ask him what he wants.
his response, well he hands me a matchbox car then quacks at me and scuttles back to his room.... seriously he QUACKED at me.. it was like some weird pink duck walked in and wanted to say heya.
apparently i was in urgent need of a toy car only i just didnnt know that yet (i still haven't figured out the quack thing). i give a mental shrug and turn back around to my gore-fest and go back to la-la land. after about five minutes or so (at least i THINK it was five minutes...hell it coulda been 2 hours) irealize it is WAAAAY too quiet ... and the dog.... is no where to be seen.. (DANGER will robinson DANGER).
i go whipping outta my chair and start to run to his room (imagining the tortures that have been inflicted on the poor put-upon lump), and nearly break my neck slipping on a cunningly placed toddler devised warning system ( 2nd matchbox car in stealth mode). now so forewarned jr pops his head out of his room and says "hi daddy-o"
i open the door expecting the worst, and there sits the lump comfortably sacked out on jrs bed all happy and shit. i think to myself "well hell... false alarm ... back to the game" and as i start to go back to the computer i hear jr start to babble on in xavierese, i turn around so i can figure out what it is that he wants and sneak up to his room to peer in. now HERE is where the whole thing takes a tailspin into utter madness.
he isnt talking to me at all... he's talking to the feaking LUMP, and shes listening to him. not resignedly tolerating him,, shes staring at him intently apparently hanging on to every word. he stops talking for a second and the damn lump heaves her lazy ass off his bed and trundles over to his toybox and snuffles at his remote control firetruck... i'll be dammned if he doesnt go over to the toybox and grab the truck and remote and cart it over to the bed.
the lump goes back over to the bed and lays down again... meanwhile jr is apparently lecturing the lump about how to control the rc firetruck....
JUST WAIT A FRICKIN MINUTE HERE..... the lump and the toddler are working together now??? and they understand each other as well????
holy sheep shit batman... i'm screwed.. they've banded together, the miscchief factor just increased by a factor of 15 million.
guess it's time i hunker down and break the code (previously xavierese has been a mere curiosity).. maybe the cake and milk will lull them into a false sense of security... but ill keep my eyes open now that i know they can communicate....
-dawg
Thursday, June 14, 2007
a day in the life of the lump
5:00 am wakeup and check the perimiter: all clear, back to sleep.
7:00 am the mutant stirs: prepare to hide, nap until it awkaens.
7:15 am rudely awoken by shoe thwacking top of head: hide while mutant gorges on pop-tarts. snatch poptart out of mutants' hand when mom isn't paying attention.
7:30 am hide and continue napping.
8:00 am sit in front of dad and stare. (can't the idiot tell i need to go OUT NOW!)
8:05 am hah, faked em out again, eat bones in neighbors yard.
8:06 am chucked back in the house again, oh well i'm kinda tired maybe i'll take a nap.
11:30 am kool! dad is cooking something, and damn it smells good. look pitiful at kitchen door (sucker is gonna cave and give me scraps, works every time)
11:45 am scraps aquired, damg i'm tired. might as well take a nap
1:30 pm i swear i'm gonna pee on the mutant while he's sleeping. $R#%$ show you what to do with that $%#%$#% hammer, ya little punk
2:15 pm finally, the little monster is napping. sounds like a good idea!
4:00 pm oh oh oh oh! leftovers... dad rocks. oooohhhh and mutant crumbs, i wonder if i can grab that piece of chicken he's got??
4:01 pm sonofabitch that smarts.... note to self: no grabbing chicken from the mutant while mom is watching.
5:00 pm movie time, peace and quiet, and no abuse for a while, think i'll take a nap
8:00 pm well damn, it's been a busy day.. think i'll go to bed.
7:00 am the mutant stirs: prepare to hide, nap until it awkaens.
7:15 am rudely awoken by shoe thwacking top of head: hide while mutant gorges on pop-tarts. snatch poptart out of mutants' hand when mom isn't paying attention.
7:30 am hide and continue napping.
8:00 am sit in front of dad and stare. (can't the idiot tell i need to go OUT NOW!)
8:05 am hah, faked em out again, eat bones in neighbors yard.
8:06 am chucked back in the house again, oh well i'm kinda tired maybe i'll take a nap.
11:30 am kool! dad is cooking something, and damn it smells good. look pitiful at kitchen door (sucker is gonna cave and give me scraps, works every time)
11:45 am scraps aquired, damg i'm tired. might as well take a nap
1:30 pm i swear i'm gonna pee on the mutant while he's sleeping. $R#%$ show you what to do with that $%#%$#% hammer, ya little punk
2:15 pm finally, the little monster is napping. sounds like a good idea!
4:00 pm oh oh oh oh! leftovers... dad rocks. oooohhhh and mutant crumbs, i wonder if i can grab that piece of chicken he's got??
4:01 pm sonofabitch that smarts.... note to self: no grabbing chicken from the mutant while mom is watching.
5:00 pm movie time, peace and quiet, and no abuse for a while, think i'll take a nap
8:00 pm well damn, it's been a busy day.. think i'll go to bed.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Holy leaping lemurs, batman!
.... skitter, scrabble---whoosh
leap,leap,leap,leap
like a blue guided missle the lazy blue lump comes streaking into the room (exhibiting speeds i'd not thought possible from her) to escape the rampaging mutant toddler.
jr comes into the room hot on the heels of his intended victim. he is doing this strange little thing he picked up from the pbs show "zaboomafoo". all the while waving his "sword" (a plastic straw). the glint of imment destructive urges shine in his eyes, this is NOT gonna be good. but i damn well will be hilarious!
the main character of the show (a cute ringtailed lemur puppet) does this little sideways hop as his main method of locomotion, all the while punctuating every hop with a cry of "leap".
this is the latest creature he has taken to emulating. last month it was a crab, the month before it was a cat. it's all good as long as he doesnt turn into the poo-flinging monkey!
ok ok back to the story...
the blue lump doesnt really like the boy, i mean she doesn't actively dislike him, she just treats him like an annoyance or at best mild indifference. now the boy....... LOVES the dog, he is freaking CRAZY about her..
i have never understood it, the lump does her level best to ignore him, and he does his best to constantly wear her ass out.
personally i'm kinda greatful, it takes some of the stress offa ME!
but as i realize the lump is getting kinda old now, oh my lord its gonna be tough to replace her, but it will have to happen eventually, and i have started to compile a list of attributes that the lump's sucessor will ABSOLUTELY have.
1. must be sturdy (i mean like battleship or fallout shelter sturdy)
2. must be patient (slug on thorazene patient)
3. self sufficient (able to forage scraps from jr, or else might starve)
4. must be sturdy (lord knows he is gonna smack her with areal hammer one day)
5. did i mention STURDY
skitter skitter whoosh kathump (well she cut that corner a little tight)
leap, leap, leap, leap........ heh heh.....
uh oh theres that demonic giggle again, gotta go check if the dog is in mortal danger
till the next blast
-dawg
leap,leap,leap,leap
like a blue guided missle the lazy blue lump comes streaking into the room (exhibiting speeds i'd not thought possible from her) to escape the rampaging mutant toddler.
jr comes into the room hot on the heels of his intended victim. he is doing this strange little thing he picked up from the pbs show "zaboomafoo". all the while waving his "sword" (a plastic straw). the glint of imment destructive urges shine in his eyes, this is NOT gonna be good. but i damn well will be hilarious!
the main character of the show (a cute ringtailed lemur puppet) does this little sideways hop as his main method of locomotion, all the while punctuating every hop with a cry of "leap".
this is the latest creature he has taken to emulating. last month it was a crab, the month before it was a cat. it's all good as long as he doesnt turn into the poo-flinging monkey!
ok ok back to the story...
the blue lump doesnt really like the boy, i mean she doesn't actively dislike him, she just treats him like an annoyance or at best mild indifference. now the boy....... LOVES the dog, he is freaking CRAZY about her..
i have never understood it, the lump does her level best to ignore him, and he does his best to constantly wear her ass out.
personally i'm kinda greatful, it takes some of the stress offa ME!
but as i realize the lump is getting kinda old now, oh my lord its gonna be tough to replace her, but it will have to happen eventually, and i have started to compile a list of attributes that the lump's sucessor will ABSOLUTELY have.
1. must be sturdy (i mean like battleship or fallout shelter sturdy)
2. must be patient (slug on thorazene patient)
3. self sufficient (able to forage scraps from jr, or else might starve)
4. must be sturdy (lord knows he is gonna smack her with areal hammer one day)
5. did i mention STURDY
skitter skitter whoosh kathump (well she cut that corner a little tight)
leap, leap, leap, leap........ heh heh.....
uh oh theres that demonic giggle again, gotta go check if the dog is in mortal danger
till the next blast
-dawg
Sunday, June 3, 2007
where the hell did i put the instruction book???
It seems that every day i get assaulted by a barrage of suggestions on raising my child that run the gauntlet from well meaning to completely sanctimonious drivel. the tv drones on on the "proper" way to speak to my son, the radio tells me i need to spend more time reading to him, folks i know vaguely suggest ways to get him to sleep...
what i would like to know, as all these sources seem to have the "official child raising" instruction book stashed in their collective back pockets is:
WHERE THE HELL DO I GET A COPY????? apparently i missed the handout day when they passed em out. so here i am stuck winging it!
oh my god, he just ate a rock!! you need to watch him closer, says a neighbor....(thanks for such sage advice o wise one)
what the hell? do you not even know this child??
he has the energy level of a ferret on redbull, i mean seriously he make me freaking tired just watching him. meanwhile my australian cattle dog (supposed to be a high energy dog) raised her red rimmed eyes off the pillow she has been sleeping on (for the last 6 hours) as if to say, "give it up man, you'll never win! (so sayeth the lazy blue lump).
momma is running around in the background completely freaked out muttering something about hospitals and stomach pumps...
my response is a little more tempered, i'm thinking to myself "it's just a rock and not a very big one either, i fully expect to see it again in about 6-8 hours.
shoot when i was a kid i probably ate enough nickels and dimes to plate a full size cadillac. (i will admit the nickels were a bit painful though, when they showed back up and out)
anyway there ya go, apparently my parenting style is a bit laid back, and that obviously is NOT what THE BOOK says.
what i can figure out from all these conflicting messages is before taking my son outside i need to do a few things.
1. layer him in a kevlar suit with ceramic trauma plates. (can't have a little boy getting bruises scrapes or bumps)
2. make sure his helmet has the anti-microbial, dust and particulate filter in place. (heaven forbid he might swallow a bug!)
3. shellac every square inch of skin (that has a miniscule chance of being exposed) with radiation proof spf 5000 sun block. ( that nasty ole sun will fry him to a crisp instantly)
4. make sure his triple filtered self-contained oxygen supply is fully charged (NO NO NO fresh outdoor air is BAD)
5. formulate a schedule that is planned out to the microsecond and never to be deviated from. (absolutely no spontaneous fun allowed)
......................OH HELL NO, not my kid!
these may be an extreme examples, but seriously this is the direction we are headed in. and frankly i have seen some of those things actually get inflicted on poor unsuspecting kids around me.
small wonder some kids end up neurotic!
me i think im just gonna go on being an irresponsible parent.
you know, letting my son have fun playing in the dirt, hugging starnge children, and hitting the dog in the head with his toy hammer. (it sounds bad, but the damn dog don't even wake up any more when he does that)
and as for the instruction book...... been doing fine so far, so maybe i'll forget about it fer a while.
......... ohh yeah by the way, chocolate cake and pepsi ROCK for breakfast.
till next blast
-dawg
what i would like to know, as all these sources seem to have the "official child raising" instruction book stashed in their collective back pockets is:
WHERE THE HELL DO I GET A COPY????? apparently i missed the handout day when they passed em out. so here i am stuck winging it!
oh my god, he just ate a rock!! you need to watch him closer, says a neighbor....(thanks for such sage advice o wise one)
what the hell? do you not even know this child??
he has the energy level of a ferret on redbull, i mean seriously he make me freaking tired just watching him. meanwhile my australian cattle dog (supposed to be a high energy dog) raised her red rimmed eyes off the pillow she has been sleeping on (for the last 6 hours) as if to say, "give it up man, you'll never win! (so sayeth the lazy blue lump).
momma is running around in the background completely freaked out muttering something about hospitals and stomach pumps...
my response is a little more tempered, i'm thinking to myself "it's just a rock and not a very big one either, i fully expect to see it again in about 6-8 hours.
shoot when i was a kid i probably ate enough nickels and dimes to plate a full size cadillac. (i will admit the nickels were a bit painful though, when they showed back up and out)
anyway there ya go, apparently my parenting style is a bit laid back, and that obviously is NOT what THE BOOK says.
what i can figure out from all these conflicting messages is before taking my son outside i need to do a few things.
1. layer him in a kevlar suit with ceramic trauma plates. (can't have a little boy getting bruises scrapes or bumps)
2. make sure his helmet has the anti-microbial, dust and particulate filter in place. (heaven forbid he might swallow a bug!)
3. shellac every square inch of skin (that has a miniscule chance of being exposed) with radiation proof spf 5000 sun block. ( that nasty ole sun will fry him to a crisp instantly)
4. make sure his triple filtered self-contained oxygen supply is fully charged (NO NO NO fresh outdoor air is BAD)
5. formulate a schedule that is planned out to the microsecond and never to be deviated from. (absolutely no spontaneous fun allowed)
......................OH HELL NO, not my kid!
these may be an extreme examples, but seriously this is the direction we are headed in. and frankly i have seen some of those things actually get inflicted on poor unsuspecting kids around me.
small wonder some kids end up neurotic!
me i think im just gonna go on being an irresponsible parent.
you know, letting my son have fun playing in the dirt, hugging starnge children, and hitting the dog in the head with his toy hammer. (it sounds bad, but the damn dog don't even wake up any more when he does that)
and as for the instruction book...... been doing fine so far, so maybe i'll forget about it fer a while.
......... ohh yeah by the way, chocolate cake and pepsi ROCK for breakfast.
till next blast
-dawg
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