where the hell did i put the instruction book???

It seems that every day i get assaulted by a barrage of suggestions on raising my child that run the gauntlet from well meaning to completely sanctimonious drivel. the tv drones on on the "proper" way to speak to my son, the radio tells me i need to spend more time reading to him, folks i know vaguely suggest ways to get him to sleep...

what i would like to know, as all these sources seem to have the "official child raising" instruction book stashed in their collective back pockets is:

WHERE THE HELL DO I GET A COPY????? apparently i missed the handout day when they passed em out. so here i am stuck winging it!

oh my god, he just ate a rock!! you need to watch him closer, says a neighbor....(thanks for such sage advice o wise one)

what the hell? do you not even know this child??

he has the energy level of a ferret on redbull, i mean seriously he make me freaking tired just watching him. meanwhile my australian cattle dog (supposed to be a high energy dog) raised her red rimmed eyes off the pillow she has been sleeping on (for the last 6 hours) as if to say, "give it up man, you'll never win! (so sayeth the lazy blue lump).

momma is running around in the background completely freaked out muttering something about hospitals and stomach pumps...

my response is a little more tempered, i'm thinking to myself "it's just a rock and not a very big one either, i fully expect to see it again in about 6-8 hours.

shoot when i was a kid i probably ate enough nickels and dimes to plate a full size cadillac. (i will admit the nickels were a bit painful though, when they showed back up and out)


anyway there ya go, apparently my parenting style is a bit laid back, and that obviously is NOT what THE BOOK says.

what i can figure out from all these conflicting messages is before taking my son outside i need to do a few things.

1. layer him in a kevlar suit with ceramic trauma plates. (can't have a little boy getting bruises scrapes or bumps)
2. make sure his helmet has the anti-microbial, dust and particulate filter in place. (heaven forbid he might swallow a bug!)
3. shellac every square inch of skin (that has a miniscule chance of being exposed) with radiation proof spf 5000 sun block. ( that nasty ole sun will fry him to a crisp instantly)
4. make sure his triple filtered self-contained oxygen supply is fully charged (NO NO NO fresh outdoor air is BAD)
5. formulate a schedule that is planned out to the microsecond and never to be deviated from. (absolutely no spontaneous fun allowed)

......................OH HELL NO, not my kid!

these may be an extreme examples, but seriously this is the direction we are headed in. and frankly i have seen some of those things actually get inflicted on poor unsuspecting kids around me.
small wonder some kids end up neurotic!

me i think im just gonna go on being an irresponsible parent.
you know, letting my son have fun playing in the dirt, hugging starnge children, and hitting the dog in the head with his toy hammer. (it sounds bad, but the damn dog don't even wake up any more when he does that)
and as for the instruction book...... been doing fine so far, so maybe i'll forget about it fer a while.



......... ohh yeah by the way, chocolate cake and pepsi ROCK for breakfast.

till next blast
-dawg