snips and snail and puppy dog tails

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That's what little boys are made of !

that appears on its face to be an accurate description, but on further examination in the mutants' case i believe the following is more accurate for him.

What are little mutants made of?
smiles and wiles , and mean ole crocodiles
That's what little mutants are made of !"

i am an "observer", i mean that i enjoy sitting back and watching people. i consider myself to be a student of humanity. even if you have no background in psychology or otherwise, if you sit back and watch enough people for long enough, you WILL see patterns emerging.

we like to think that in general people are "social creatures" that is to say we desire the comfort and contact of other beings. truth be told nothing could be further from the truth in adults... kids?? now that really is a completely different story..

as adults we shake hands, spout a platitude and then disengage as quickly as is polite, upon meeting an "old friend". we go to work, and how ya doing.. oh i'm fine.. then its off to our little safe box. we drive home in our enclosed little car, say hi to the family and then withdraw into our own little world (computer/tv etc..) until "forced" to be social (dinner etc...)
THAT IS NOT A SOCIAL BEING!

now lets take kids (and i'll use the mutant as an example)
TEENAGERS DO NOT COUNT!!! THEY ARE NOT EVEN FROM THIS PLANET
(and trying to figure them out is just an exercise in madness)

mutant to strange kid he's never met before (EVER) .... "HI KID, im xavierjohncranehowareyouwannaplay???" at which point he usually walks over and either hugs them or grabs em by the arm and leads em to the nearest toy like thing.

mutant upon awakening.... walks into bedroom blinking sleep outta his eyes, and says..... "morning mommaanddadycaniplaylegomovienow??" at which point he promptly climbs into the bed and sprawls across both of us....

mutant after eating (or sometimes while eating in fact)
"sammy .... SAMMY... quiteatingmytoysyoudumboledog.....herehavesomebreadnowthatsagooddog..goaway"
and then finds some large (and appropriately heavy) object and whacks the dog on the head....
(ohh quit... the dog is fine.. you could hit him in the head with a sledgehammer and he'd be ok)

soo what do YOU think, which approach is better, adult or mutant..

me.. i'll kust pretend that i learned something from the mutant today.

today i'm gonna live, love, and enjoy life!

if aint nobody said it to ya lately..... love ya, and i'm glad yer part of my life!

peace
-dawg

memories in winter

it is dark out, snow blamkets the ground in a serene white blanket. the world is still, quiet and peaceful, i light a smoke and brush the snow off the porch rail. i lean forward and stare into the yard and the snow covered land seems to embrace me, and for the first time in a week or two , i personally am at peace.

the more time goes on, the more i realize that in many ways i truly am my fathers legacy and in some ways i have taken a much different path than he. some of this is good, and some of this... well... it just, is. events that profoundly affect our lives have a tendency to make us stop and do a "reality check". i have had many such moments in my life, and starngely enough they are usually in the peaceful aftermath of some kind of storm.

this moment is no different, standing there in the night, i feel a warmth come over me. and i know in my bones, i am alone? no, that is one thing i most certainly am not! always in times like these my connection with those "ghosts of the past" is the strongest, those resolute personalities that have so immutably shaped this life i call "my own". while it truly is my own life, they have shaped it and guide me still.

for better or worse i am my fathers son, as he was his father's. and my son will eventually come to the same realization himself, and the chain will continue. one thing though, i am DEFINITELY NOT doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past. my life is not about the decisions i make... it is about the actions i take... these are my living legacy..

a large snowflake drifts down and extinguishes my cigarette, and i am jolted back into the here and now, a decision has been made, a turning point reached... now is the time for action.

as my feet crunch through the new snow, i hear a faint voice drifting on the wind, and i know once again.. i am fine.. they taught me well, and they are with me.... the voice seems to say... "ya know boy, i hated salad too"

guess ill go inside have a glass of tea with splenda, and have a salad.... uggh!
peace
-dawg

p.s. if this doesnt make sense, just give it a while.... it will

the donut blues.

so today somebody asked me how i had been doing over the last couple of days. as is my norm, i gave a completely honest answer "abso-fucking-lutely crappy".
people just don't know how to take that for an answer... i guess we are so used to giving non-committal "bubble gum" answers, that a bit of honesty can be just a tad overwhelming..
welcome to MY WORLD (you poor poor bastards)

so.. back to yesterday... (the most mind numbingly painful and frustrating days in a loooong while).

first off, i am sufferring (and i do mean TORMENT OF THE DAMMNED here, type suffering) from hemmorhoids...(sorry i know its TMI, but ya gotta uderstand where i am coming from). secondly, i broke my foot last week or so, and it was finally starting to get a bit les painful.

so take these two things together, and well.. i am walking around abit like a penguin with a rather large rose bush up its ass. (laugh now and i swear to god i will send jr to maul you!)

so there we are (wife, penguin-boy, and jr) doing some errands shopping etc..
after braving wally world, it is decided that as a treat we would stop by and grab a dozen donuts (oooohhhhh chocolatey goodnes rox) before stopping by the post office, and then going home..
donuts aqquired.. on to the post office......(up till now things have been going ok).

open door to post office, and enter some kind of twilight zone induced nightmare.
8 people in line in front of me, and ONE CLERK!!! go figure, as i take my place in line i notice this "nice old lady" sitting on a bench filling out what appears to be a 6 inch thick pile of paperwork. i'm thinking to myself... thank god she is not in front of me..... WRONG-O!
we get down to just 3 people in line when the "nice old lady" finishes writing her novel and goes creeping up to the counter... turns out she was just sent off to the side to "fill out a little paperwork" the first clerk looks up and says "sorry folks this is gonna take a while".

the entire line gives a silent yet noticeable sigh of frustration. apparently this lady is getting around 5,000 dollars worth of money orders, and they have to do some federal reporting forms for this crap. the clerk fiddles around with his computer for a second, and then dissapears inn the back.... 2-3 minutes later and a second clerk comes out of the back (i swear she was rubbing the sleep outta her eyes) and gets the next people in line... she says to the crowd, i bet ya'll would like some chairs, (now she says this as a joke), "nice old lady" old lady says "YES i DO NEED a chair" it takes the clerk a second to realize that in fact the old lady is being serious... to which the clerk says in stunned surprise, maam do you really want a chair? "crotchety old bat" snaps back "YES, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M SICK" (well no,, not without my x-ray eyes, i think to myself)

well the clerk realizes that in fact there are NO CHAIRS to be had, actually grabs her own stool and hands it over to the counter to the "mean probable cat-lady" (i'm thinking to myself.. 20 lb metal stool+ 80 yr old bat with a walker ='s bad news) ain't nobody else budging, as "nasty old twat" fumbles the stool, and i do what comes naturally.... i go bolting out of line, whip around the corner and skid to a stop, grabbing the falling chair (which probably wouldve broken this ole bird's leg) and gently placing it on the floor with a polite "here you go maam".

as i limp back to my place in line(ohh yes... the skidding to a stop ended up with a crunch as my healing/broken foot slammed into the counter and quite efficiently was re-broken) the lady immediately in front of me says,,, "wow that was quick" i reply that well, thats what ya do.. you help where needed...... the "wicked witch of the west" now comfortably ensconsed on her stool literally scowls at us and hisses out a "harrumph".. time passes and FINALLY i get up to the counter, and the clerk looks me in the and says thank you loudly... and i swear to god.... "cruella deville" mutters (loud enought to be clearly heard) "for what?".
(one more fucking comment and i'm gonna break this bats hip personally) i restrain my self and just reply back to the clerk " oh no problem, that's how i was raised- to be NICE TO PEOPLE"
she just chuckles, and completes my postal business, and i'm on my way out the door. at this time clerk #1 reappears and i swear the old bat says "it's about time, i thought you ran off with my money"... ok i'm am so glad i am not some bitter old bat that feels honor bound to share her misery with the world...

off i head back to my nice safe cave.... at this point i am frigging steamed.. old bat really got my dander up..... my foot is fucking throbbing.... (think rap musci base-line throbbing) and i feel like i have a pineapple shoved halfway up my ass.... i have 2 donuts and give up... just gonna take a nap...... thatll work.


fast forward 2 hours later..
jr gently wakes me up by slamming a large plastic toy into my bedroom door at 30 mph.....

soo.. i get up...
tired,
cranky,
pineapple up ass feeling,
foot fucking whooping me with pain....

donuts... yeah donuts will fix this..

go to kitchen...

donut

box

empty.................................


count to 300 and go crawl back in bed........ the world fucking hates me..

ill just lay here and hate it back.

peace
-dawg

ok, short quick breaths and.........PUUUSH!

well, here we are just a couple of months past the "whats in it for me" holidays. (xmas, new year,)

and blasting right through the "did i forget something" holidays (valentines, easter, vets day, moms/dads day etc...)
soooo..... ok, short quick breaths and.........PUUUSH! %*POP*% pulle head outta butt!

what gives here?? why exactly do i need a holiday to remind me of what i should be doing on a regular basis?? namely telling those around me what they truly mean to me.
frankly if your hubby/wife/significant other is important(or at least low impact ) enough to spend the majority of your free time with, maybe.. just maybe it might be time to let them know exactly how you feel about them.
now of course if ya can't stand em.. ya just might want to kepp that one to yourself (or invest in good quality body armor, or a trip to south america).

i know i get so wrapped up in the rigors of daily life that i casually fling "i love you's" over my shoulder in passing, enough so, that they are are really a verbal equivalent of "uh huh, yep, whatever"

now i'm so engrossed in all my "important" crap, that i need a barrage of candy commercials and chocolate hearts/bunnies/eggs etc to remind me that.. well.. ya know... i really do love em...

so do me a favor, and go find that special someone and tell em "you know, you REALLY ARE important to me, and you mean the world to me!" STOP READING and DO THIS NOW!

..... heeey wait!!! come back!!!!

see a veteran/cop/fireman.... shake his/her hand and tell em thanks.

yer kids.... well hell, just snag em in passing and give em a big ole hug... and when they go "eewwww daaaad!" just smile and walk away..

peace
-dawg

i'm channeling my pet... really i am!

the lazy blue lump is getting old, and that's old with a capitol O!!
she's starting to get a bit.. well.... grumpy.. (scratch that, shes downright crotchety).
difficulty walking?.. check. getting up to pee multiple times at nigh... for sure. picky bout what she eats.. no doubt. and the hair.... it's turning a nice frost shade of gray, mostly round the chin/nose area, and just a bit round the temples..

AAAWWWW CRAP.......I JUST FREAKING DESCRIBED MYSELF!!

well i guess the old adage about "the longer you have a pet the more you begin to resemble each other"

ok thats it.... this is the straw that broke the camels back!!, HEEEEY wait a second..... i wonder if just maybe sammie "becomes" MY dog... will that perhaps reverse the "aging" trend..

so for arguments sake lets just see what the benefits of this might be..

younger dog=
gets aroused when wind blows.. ok sounds good to me
drools constantly..... well maybe not..
can and will eat anything..... ahh the vigour of youth!
energy.. limitless energy......

yep.. jr can have the old fucker, and ill take the new one..

and how exactly is that not justice???
peace
-dawg

my dog is "special"

WE TODD DID. if ya don't get it, say it out loud to yourself, slowly.

my dog sammy is "special" and yes i mean he is jerry's kids special!

in most cases he is a typical juvenile labrador, he fetches, he runs, he bounces, all nonstop for hours on end (personally i think the energizer bunny got a piece of his mom).

but some times i just look at him and think to myself.... "STOOOOOOPID"! take fetching for instance. at first i was worried that he might have vision problems, .....nope! i can whip a ball at him at top speed and he'll frigging latch onto a ball whizzing by his head like a snapping turtle after a fish and almost never misses (and i dont throw slow... i played first base in high school.. if i hit ya with a ball at speed.... broken bones ensue) but throw a ball where he has to chase it.... stooopidty ensues..
so i am standing out front smoking and i decide to throw the ball for the dog... i grab the ball from the ledge on the front of the house, and sammy goes into "matrix mode", he FREEZES in place and lcoks his eyes on the ball.. you can see the concentration.
i toss the ball into the neigbors yard...
scrabble scrabble scrabble..... gallop gallop gallop .... clomp (sound of jaws guillotining shut on the ball).............. WHAAANNGGG!!...... well.. looks like the neighbors gonna have crappy reception on their dish network tonight.

lets try that again...... toss ball again!
scrabble scrabble scrabble scrabble..... gallop gallop gallop......clomp...................THHUUDD!
ok now thats just retarded.... i can get ya maybe... just maybe not seeing and running into a 6 inch round pole with a 2 foot satellite dish...... but holee hell, how do you run into a fricking house.... it's not like it jumped in your way all of a sudden!

is he a clumsy puppy??? nope... fucker goes from standing still to jumping diagonally...BACKWARDS.... OVER A FREAKING 3 foot high WALL... and doesnt so much as look once... land perfectly.

well, once more into the breach...
scrabble scrabble scrabble..... gallop gallop gallop .... CRASH!!

OMFG i'm gonna kill you you damn dog.. you dented the side of my car for gawds sake....

what more need i say...
WE TODD DID!

peace
-dawg

outback special!, or (how the fries stole new year)

allrighty folks, rant time!

as ya'll know i'm not too bad in the kitchen, so consequently i don't eat out very often, and when i do it tends to be on special occasions.

we decided after multiple hours of shopping(with a restless screaming toddler no less) to grab a to go order from the outback steakhouse here in clarksville tn.

visions of golden melted cheese atop my french fires, and succulent tasty cow filled my head...
so off we go to order our dinner, upon placing my order with obligatory modifications and additions, we were told that it would be ready in about 25 minutes.
we decided to mosey up to the bar and grab a soda while we waited, and jr promptly started pointing out all the "sharks" on the wall and growling at the wait staff (do sharks growl???)
after about 15 minutes of growls, gnashing teeth and general toddler underfootedness, it was decide that maybe we should go wait in the car, as that would severely reduce the chance of injury, and maybe maintain a touch more sanity.

we watch, and wait...and wait.... and wait... as multiple cars come and go picking up ther to-go orders. ath the 45 minute mark, jr starts in on his mantra.... "i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food"..
no son its not
"i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food"..
no
"i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food"..
NO
"i'm staaaarrrrrving" ... "is that our food".. (this last one said with genuine tears)
no, but the next order damn well better be..

at an hour i decide to walk in and find out if they were done slaughtering the cow, and perhaps would we see our food sometime this decade.. when to my surprise out pops the order taker with a huge bag o chow....and tells me "i'm very sorry sir, we are very busy, it should'nt have taken so long"

well at this point i am tired, frustrated and hungry.... hell if ya took a shoe and put a little salt on it, i would've eaten it..
so off to the house we go to eat our tasty tasty cow in peace.

here is te meal broken down by item and what my expectations were vs. what we actually recieved.

appetizer : Aussie cheese fries with extra bacon and cheese
expected: golden brown fries topped with moleten cheese filling the container.
reality: sad little pile of blackened/dark brown fries that MIGHT have filled HALF the container with a mangled strip of bacon and some crumbles to boot, atop a pathetic sprinkling of cheese.
(i guess extra cheese/bacon means, ."they want FREEBIES.???? give em the CRAP from the back o the bin")

entree #1 ***EDEN'S***outback special (12 oz sirloin) medium rare
expected: (should be thin red line in center)
reality: little bit o pinkish tint to leather like grayish meat like substance
(i think ill order a bbq'd hoof next time.. good lord it would have to be more tender than what we got)

entree #2 ****SEANS**** flo's fillet 9oz filet rare
expected: (should be warm red center)
reality: ask for rare.. get medium.... par for the course... most gristly fillet i have ever had, additionally tasted a bit sour, as if aged too long, or just left out for a couple o hours.
(oh sure, i just ask for rare, because i actually want my steak cooked to death with a flamethrower...... rare people means , if ya stick the steak with a fork it fucking goes MOO!)

entree #3 ****jr's**** jackaroo chicken fingers
expected: chicken fingers
reality: chicken fingers
(holy crap, even outback can't screw up deep fried chicken bits)

veggies: steamed vegatables
expected: cooked
reality: dipped in warm water for 5 minutes.
(im all for natural vitamins and minerals.... but at least defrost the fucking veggies first)

conclusions.... if out back is "BUSY" and you get a to go order, they ASSUME taht you will:
a: not check your order before leaving (got that right)

b: will choke down whatever mediocre fodder they give you ( right again, never underestimate tired and hungry)

and c: take it up the ass and not complain! ( WRONG-O....)

conclusion, .. barring any response to the complaint left on outbacks website. time for a personal boycott of outback...
i highly suggest that any of you who happen to swing through the clarksville tn area, avoid the outback here at all costs... go to longhorn or logans instead..
aditionally, if you have an experience at an outback that sux... CALL AND COMPLAIN.. let em know that ya wont be screwed by them!

rant off...............
peace
-dawg