toads... taste.. well........ BAD!!!!

THIS POST IS NOT KID FRIENDLY

sorry for not writing.. blah blah blah........
ahh forget that crap, i have just been too damn busy lately to write.

so jr is sick.. flu/cold who the hell knows (gonna inflict him on the dr tomorrow morn), and of course when jr is sick.... EVERYFUCKINGBODY is freaking MISERABLE!!!!
mom is so tired that she just kinda sits on the couch staring vacantly at the tv... (and its not even on)
me.. i'm just a little tired of saying .. "what??.. hang on.. blow your nose so i can understand you!" (figger as much as the mutant talks... i've been saying that A LOT!)
the lump.. well she's only come out of hiding for food lately.
and sammie?? he just kind of paces up and down the carpet grumbling to himself.

truly it is a house full of zombie-like miserable beings.... except jr...

hell he is actually kinda happy... leastways he seems to be garnering some type of insane glee from making the rest of us suffer. (i swear i saw his stuffed cow try to escape to the closet (YES it is that bad)

finally a couple of hours ago, the cough medicine took effect, and jr finally passed out... (to all of you who want to get self righteous about using meds that knock him out.... BUGGER OFF!! you try it on "politically correct" meds)
anywhoo...... passed out kid = household breaktime.
momma.. pours herself into the bed... the lump... well the lump remains lumplike, and sammie and i head outside for a smoke ... and no the dog doesn't smoke (he still can't figure out the lighter)
as i light up sammie waits patiently for me to throw something, anything.... ( whatever dude, just throw something now!!!!!!!!!)
as i get ready to grab a stick from the pile on our window ledge (big ass pile of sticks... sammie and jr BOTH fetch em) he notices a small brown shape on the porch..
immediately this lump has his interest (and mine) and he bolts the whole 6 inches to where it sits staring defiantly at both of us..
i take a look at this rather nice sized specimen of common american toad, and think to myself "heh, this is gonna be fun"
almost as if he read the "idiots guide to life" sammie promptly bounces up in the air (if you have a lab you understand the bounce.. if not, ask a lab owner) and pounces on the poor little toad.
looks up at me triumphantly with toad in mouth, and i swear to god.. the black dog looked a bit green around the gills as he just opens his mouth and PUSHES the toad out with his TONGUE (as if he wants to avoid all possible lip contact)
the toad plops to the ground and promptly puffs up and resumes his defiant stare.
sammie starts to shake his head and tries to scrape the foulness off his tongue by running it over his upper teeth, of course this is less than successful (to say the least).
at this point he starts droolling uncontrollably and foaming a bit at the mouth (shit naw, i ain't worried i know this un aint poison, just freakin NASTEEE tasting)
the dawg starts licking the concrete, dirt, grass, brick siding, woodedn garden rails, and finally seems to get some relief as he proceeds to lick his own ass (and we are talking colonoscopy here folks)
one wonders: how in the hell are we not up to our necks iin toads, if inserting ones tongue in your own ass actually tastes BETTER???

peace
-dawg

birthdays are for ... chuck e cheese! (or, my slow trip through parental HELL)

OH MY GAWD the mutant is 5...... FIVE whole MINDNUMBINGLYPAINFUL/SCARY/CRAZYKOOL/GREAT YEARS!!!

for his fifth b'day we decided to spring for a birthday trip to chuck e cheese's. (yeah i know.. i'm supposed to be smart.... sometimes i just wake up and leave my brain by the bed.... SOFA KING WE TODD DID).

anyway.. off to chuck's house o horrors.....

enter and get greeted by some poor tranked out employee (ya know they toke up during breaks...gotta stay sane somehow) who promptly stamps jr and my arm with matching numbers in some secret uv reactive ink..... (holee crap.. what the hell is this??? some kinda of freaky neon colored auschwitz??).

the wife says "cool, they make sure the kid and parents match!!" and i'm, thinking to myself... "riiiight, hell no, its to make sure the PARENTS actually CLAIM their rugrats"

we go over to our table and met up with our neighbors and their kids and grandkids (who all starngely enough, seem to love the little capri sun swilling, cookie stealing monster that is my offspring) and jr promptly spots the "playland"

i look at this thing... one entrance (an enclosed 1 story climbing stair thingy), one exit(a slide) and the rest of the thing is completely overhead... (think habitrail... for kids).... kool i can easily keep an eye on jr... IF i can get him to go up the stair thingy...

jr HATES to be off the ground (unless its in mommas arms).. the little rat who normally avoids slides/ladders/monkeybars/teetertotters like the freaking plague BOLTS towards this thing, and like a monkey up a tree after a bannanna is JUST PLAIN GONE!!!!
20 minutes later, i finally have to stick my head up the musty sweaty sock smelling tunnel like slide and growl.. "xavierjohncrane.. get yer butt down here NOW!"

FWOOP.. out pops a maniacally grinning mutant..
ok off to play some games..
whack a mole.. i place the mallet in jr's hands and he just looks at me and looks at me like i'm stupid, until i tell him... smack em like ya smack the dog........ welll go figure... new high score!

skee ball.... time to find out if plexiglass really is unbreakable...... NOPE, not a chance.

soccer ball kicking game...... HEH need i say anything at all....

suffice it to say.. 2 and a half hours later we finally exit our trip through parental hell and head back home.... 15 min drive to the house is accompanied by a nonstop report on everything he just did for the last 2 hours.... (DUHHHH guess i wasnt there really... musta been just a dadshaped stuffed animal)

here we are 4 DAYS later, and my right eye has finally stopped twitching, the ringing in my ears has subsided, and the nightmares......well that may take a wee bit....

peace
-dawg

please sir, don't beat me, .... i promise ill be good!!!

first off, let me apologize to all of my loyal raders for not posting in like... forever!

i have been very very busy lately...

quick background dump:

last december i decided that i would work towards getting back into the stamp busines (think outrageously expensive little pieces of paper)
i had set a goal of being ready to be an active dealer at stamp shows in approx 2 years time...

fast forward to 2 months ago...
visit antique mall, rent booth space for stamps (basically advertising and secondary revenue stream)
meet coin dealer/antique dealer/stamp collector who has several booths at mall.
strike up a friendship
friendship turns to a one off business venture.
business venture turns into partnership

fast forward to today:

tomorrow we open our stamp/coin/high end antique shop in downtown clarksville
first stamp show is scheduled for jul 25th
approx 2 shows a month are scheduled thru december

kinda blew my 2 year plan right the hell outta the water....

lovin life....

jr....jr turns 5 years old on jul 7th (personally i am amazed he has made it to 5)

anyone care to guess what he wants for his birthday???..
NO NO NO .. you evil bastards.... not a hammer to beat the dog with...

LEGOS....... of course

the wife... is gardening.... and wonder of wonders.. the garden is thriving...
(hey.... this woman can kill nuclear winter resistant spider plants)

sooo to make things short..
busy
kid just as evil as ever..
wife is happier n a pig in shite...

will post more in the next couple o days

peace
-dawg

communication error

communication error....

first of let me preface this entry.. it is not a funny entry, and in fact for some folks it may be downright painful.

this is a weB LOG (an online diary) so here i go ....diarizing!

i write as a RELEASE! and if ya cringe at my misspellings and bad grammar.. PISS OFF! i write as it flows out of me, and i feel that going back and correcting is "cheating" and detracts from the honesty.
sometimes when i write it comes across as funny or humorous (so some people say anyhow) and sometimes it is serious.

this i feel is neither... it well.. just is.

i have been experienceing a "communications error" lately, aww frak this sugar coated shite.. I AM BROKEN

i CAN NOT TALK FACE TO FACE with those closest to me.....the only way i can start to figure this crap out is to write.

i am bipolar, or "manic depressive" if you will. and as a rule i tend to stay towards the "manic" end of things, and while it is irritating and not too fun, i can usually deal with things.

being bipolar does not mean i lack willpower or drive or what not, very simply i like many others, was either born with or developed a chemical imbalance in my brain. this imbalance affects different people in different ways, for me it just means i find it exceptionally hard to focus on one thing or find it tough to "shut down" my brain.. end result... ferret on redbull thats been doing crank for a week straight.. frankly this is wher my "humour" comes from (you try it for a month or so, and see if reality don't get a bit strange for you too)...

my "depressive" state.. now that is a completely different animal... a much bigger nastier animal in fact...

in ancient rome as the conquering hero paraded to the forum at the reigns of his chariot, he always had a slave standing behind him holding a laurel wreath (noo not olive as is commonly portrayed) and the slave would whisper into the hero's ear as the crowds cheered his glory.. he would say "remember, thou too, art mortal" (incidentally this is where we get the term "fleeting glory" from, wise buggers those romans were)

my depression is like that slave, except its more like a vicious gorilla throttling me, whilee hissing at me... you are worthless......

this.. is where i have been for a little while now...

NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY OR ADVICE..... DO NOT GIVE EITHER... (guarantee if ya do, i will respond.. and it WILL NOT BE FRIENDLY OR NICE)

THIS
IS
A
RELEASE

ohh yeah.. in my BAD depression spells (like now) i also tend towards the extremely agressively angry side of life

if anything i say strikes a chord in you, and you feel you must respond... post it as a comment, so others can see...maybe YOUR experience can help someone else.. if not

IT
IS
A
RELEASE

anyway...

i make no bones about who i am or what i do, and honestly nor do i give a rats ass what MOST people think ... if ya like me .. kool... if ya think i'm an ass.. well yer right there too...fortunately i tend to be the type of "abrasive personality" that people can tolerate, and frankly because of my "lack o bullshit" a personality that some people value, for the honesty that ensues.

so, yeah
depressed... way the fuck down...
reasons... none really... chemicals in gray mush are screwed again, meds are whacked and need to be adjusted (already in progress).
solution..... working on it... try and not blow up on loved ones.... stay at home and avoid the public...... last time it got this bad, folks got assaulted, and shortly thereafter i crawled under the bed for a week (literally)

i know that there is an end to this, that adjusting the meds WILL work... but it's gonna take a bit, hell it took me a couple o weeks to really see what has been going on...

been locked up inside my own skull for a bit now, and that is a REALLY crappy neighborhood to cruise when i'm like this.
yeah yeah, i know, a little "perspective" might put things in a different light.. but in this mode i could give a fuck less what your perspective is.. i am the one in my skin.. you aren't.

once, long ago, wheni was in a vewry similiar state i actually had a healthcare professional (recent graduate) tell me (in an effort to "help" give me perspective) "think about those poor people on the streets that don't have the opportunities that you have"
my response was pretty simple..... "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THOSE FUCKERS....if ya feel so much for em.. go fucking fix em ya fucking moron"

yes, i have though about offing myslef..(fleeting idiotic thought....)
yes, i have also thought about voluntarily checking in to a nut ward for a bit...(still mulling that one over)
yes, i feel like crap, and don not want to deal with jack shit right now...

fer chrissakes i threw a goddamn fit over the fucking DISHES being dirty last night..... THE DAMN DISHES...
little crap is what fucks me up... the big shit really is no sweat....
its a "death by a thousand papercuts) sort of thing...
like most folks when large issues arise, i instinctively know how to deal with em.... but the little annoyances, bumps, scrapes and bruises, of daily life.... they add up quick and beat me the fuck down...

(REMEMBER NOTE UP TOP.......NO ADVICE/SYMPATHY)

i am working on it... gonna talk to my shrink tomorrow....(again)

ya know... i feel a bit less crappy...
HAH
it is a release...

btw if ya made it this far, and any of this rings true for you....you are not alone TALK/WRITE about it... just try and get a little bit of that crap outta yer head.. it helps.. trust me.. i know
feel free to drop me a line if ya want

peace
-dawg

the siege has lifted!

so the inlaws have come and gone. this was a truly awesome visit, jr had a blast, momma got to spend some rare f2f time with her mom and sis, and me, well i got a chance to drop a nuke on my sis in laws diet...
heh she'll be cursing me for months after this visit....and her trainer... is gonna freaking love me!

however as is normal in visits of this nature, there were a couple of "land mines" left cheerfully behind. i'm really only gonna discuss one of em...

laura? (my sis in law) did you really consider the ramifications of leaving behind FOUR FUCKING POUNDS of easter candy????

basking in the glow of a great visit, mom and i very obviously took leave of our senses and not only took the mountain of candy "auntie la-la, and gramma" left behind, but added some of our own to the pile.

end result..... 8 DAYS LATER, the siege has finally lifted.

the sad sad shattered corpses of marshmallow peeps, and chocolate bunnies have littered the battleground that we call home, for the last week. and the mutant... oh .....my .......gawd.

chocolate GENOCIDE (oh the humanity of it all)

he single handedly decimated whole populations of various chocolatey creatures, and as the week has drawn out, and the sugar levels have risen to dangerously epic proportions, has become steadily more... well... hyper (go figure.. 4 yr old boy + 5 pounds of pure sugar = BAD IDEA)

sad part is .. we both KNEW this was an incredibly BAD IDEA, but as we are shamelessly indulgent parents, went ahead and did it anyway.

this finally reached its climax late last night...
picture the scene, mom on computer, dad on couch, both furtively looking over shoulder to center of living room.
1dog hiding in corner behind couch, 1 hiding in the kitchen, both furtively looking over shoulder to center of living room.

mutant..... is dancing.... leaping up and down and shrilling out a semblance of a song that some vapid cartoon on tv is blasting out..

dad: SON! STOP JUMPING NOW!!!!

mutant: but dad

dad: NOOOW!

mutant: buuuut DAAAAAAADD!

dad: TOOTHBRUSH, AND TOOTHPASTE its time for you to GO TO BED!

mutant: ........oookkkk...... (goes off to brush his teeth)

mutant: (comes back to living room after brushing teeth, plops down on couch and says) "but dad i'm not tired)

dad: (steps outside to have a smoke.... NOT...GONNA....EXPLODE....) whaaathe hell???

i shit you not 2 minute smokebreak... little sucker is on the couch sprawled out.. freaking snoring!!!


holiday frog silently hops on his way.


i swear.. next time the frog comes by...... FROG LEGS for dinner.


peace
-dawg

oh noes! mah legoz!!!!

so, the in-laws have arrived, and we have survived the first day. actually i jest, it really is great having both my sister in law and my mom in law here (NO i am NOT insane!, just mildly deranged). we only get to see each other every couple of years as they live in strange far gar away places such as "soon to be underwater-land... (california)" and .. "las - you is gonna lose all yer money (vegas)".

the mutant.. normally gregarious and outgoing, was a touch reserved at first.. and then after a quick sizing up of these new strange suckers...er... umm... i mean.. people. at which point he started gablling nonstop, got their attention focused in some other direction, .... and promptly whipped out his mind control gun and nailed em both. and im thinking to myself.... this.... is ... gonna be..... hilarious.

cracker barrel for brkfst.. we get jr grilled cheese and fries (hey... whatever! we go with what works) which.. he flat out ignores and then procedes to beg food off everyone else with the usual results.. mom and i just growl raise our forks threatingly and hiss at him, but apparently the mind control is back in full effect, as his two brand new zombies hand over bits and goodies to him.

-fast forward to WALLY WORLD!

we are here for a couple of last minute fixins needed for moms birthday dinner (crawfish etouffee and stuff) and maybe a bottle of tylenol (nudge nudge, wink wink)
der mutant grabs his slave-beings by the hand and then starts... (i'm not kidding here) giving them a guided tour of the store, all the while heading steadfastly in ONE direction.

LONG
STORY
SHORT

he actually talked BOTH women into each buying him SEPARATE sets of legos...

ya know.... somedays i worry if he will be able to take care of himself as an adult (typical parent worry type thing)

then i see stuff like this.. and realize.. hell noe.. he's all good.
he just tok two normally frugal women and convinced them to empty their pocketbooks.... and holy crap..THEY were smiling afterwards.

he struts away (yes... struts) with a grin on his face and a gleam in his eye that seems to say..
"look out, i'm xavier john and my kung fu is strong.!"

peace
-dawg

cleaning is FUN!!

yeah right..

spring cleaning is upon us!! (oh joy, ... actually we are about to get a visit from my in-laws)
so it's time to reduce the clutter, and organize..

HELL... who am i kidding... i like clutter and this is freaking killing me.

both the wife and i tend to be a bit of a pack rat..

take "important papers" for example... i do not honestly believe that in the normal course of things that we dispose of ONE SINGLE SCRAP OF PAPER that has EVER crossed the threshold of our home.

case in point.. we are organizing our "important papers" and separating out that which is to be kept, and that which is to go bye bye...
in the trash box goes a papa johns 25th anniversery ad, and shortly thereafter goes a pap johns 15th anniversery ad as well....

jr drops by and says... "cani help, i want to be a good helpful little boy"

ok.. well here son put this in the trash box....... and then go get me some more papers from the other box.

10 minutes later and it seems that box of papers left to sort through has really not diminished too much, and strangely enough i think i'v seen the same chinese food menu (from a resteraunt near our home... 3 homes ago) at least 5 separate times...
frustrated i step back and just watch mom n jr going at it....

sure enough i DID see that menu multiple times... looks like jr has been taking the "trash" papers, neatly stacking them, sorting them in order (don't ask, i have no clue what criteria he uses for sorting stuff) and then promptly places them "under" a stack of unsorted papers.

aint it great.. he's so helpful...

ohh the hell with it.. he seems to be having fun, and well strangely (even through the soul tearing experience of "throwing stuff away") so does mama.

i'll just let em go..

life is.... GOOD! and clutter is fine too!

peace
-dawg