most of ya'll were probably raised on a fairly full diet of westerns and other such cowboy related crap-ola as kids (or maybe i'm just too freaking old).
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
Monday, October 15, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
the itsy bitsy PIE-SIR
...got squished by a book.
sorry for the delay between entries, but what the hell i gotta emerge into real life every now and again. problem is, i kinda got stuck in the real world for a bit.
i was sitting down talking to mama this morning, and we both had an epiphany! the mutant does not in fact actually speak in english at all, rather he has his own language which has some roots in english and some based in god only knows what. (personally i'm leaning towards dolphin or whale)
i am going to share a few choice phrases and words and their suspecetd etymology with you. (E)= english base (?)= unknown base ((probably dolphin)). and their real life usages (irl)
CHOCK-IT (E) chocolate: (irl) hey ya see that plane over there?, ya might wanna CHOCK IT so it don't roll off!
PIE-SER (E) spider: (irl) why yes i would love a piece of PIE sir!
DAG_GUN (E) dragon (irl) that DAG_GUN cat been walking on the hood of my truck again!
JOOSH (E) juice (irl) ((must be waaay drunk)) JOOSH see thee siize of thash chicken!
(the next couple i wont try real life examples as they just dont work to well in print, the really need to be expierenced in their full pitch and volume to be properly appreciated)
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEEEE (?) please stop
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEeeee (?) that was fun, lets do it again!
in all honesty, i occasionally get worried about the mutants verbal skills, i mean there is a neighbor kid who is two, that constantly asks "where da dog" and "where da kid" (of course i personally think that these are the only 2 phrases that kid actually knows).
that worry completely dissappears when he bust's out choice phrases like "HEEEEEYYY lookit the robut bunneeeee, ......... KOOOOL" (this one right after changing my desktop wallpaper to the infamous "rivet crappin rabbit"
well the point is that while he may not use too many recognizable english phrases/words all that often, it is absolutely frightenning how much he understands...(and makes cleaning the house reeaaallll easy, " hey go put your legos up, and bring me my drink"
-peace
sorry for the delay between entries, but what the hell i gotta emerge into real life every now and again. problem is, i kinda got stuck in the real world for a bit.
i was sitting down talking to mama this morning, and we both had an epiphany! the mutant does not in fact actually speak in english at all, rather he has his own language which has some roots in english and some based in god only knows what. (personally i'm leaning towards dolphin or whale)
i am going to share a few choice phrases and words and their suspecetd etymology with you. (E)= english base (?)= unknown base ((probably dolphin)). and their real life usages (irl)
CHOCK-IT (E) chocolate: (irl) hey ya see that plane over there?, ya might wanna CHOCK IT so it don't roll off!
PIE-SER (E) spider: (irl) why yes i would love a piece of PIE sir!
DAG_GUN (E) dragon (irl) that DAG_GUN cat been walking on the hood of my truck again!
JOOSH (E) juice (irl) ((must be waaay drunk)) JOOSH see thee siize of thash chicken!
(the next couple i wont try real life examples as they just dont work to well in print, the really need to be expierenced in their full pitch and volume to be properly appreciated)
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEEEE (?) please stop
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEeeee (?) that was fun, lets do it again!
in all honesty, i occasionally get worried about the mutants verbal skills, i mean there is a neighbor kid who is two, that constantly asks "where da dog" and "where da kid" (of course i personally think that these are the only 2 phrases that kid actually knows).
that worry completely dissappears when he bust's out choice phrases like "HEEEEEYYY lookit the robut bunneeeee, ......... KOOOOL" (this one right after changing my desktop wallpaper to the infamous "rivet crappin rabbit"
well the point is that while he may not use too many recognizable english phrases/words all that often, it is absolutely frightenning how much he understands...(and makes cleaning the house reeaaallll easy, " hey go put your legos up, and bring me my drink"
-peace
Sunday, August 5, 2007
cracking the code: final:: under new management
thankfully disaster has been completely averted.... thanks to the lumps defection from the mutants army of conquest, i had a chance to save us all...
god i am such a moron, all this time i was thinking it was mental powers the mutant was using. well i seemed to miss the OBVIOUS... remember the remote control??? it seems that it was not a toy car remote, rather it was a UNIVERSAL remote. and sure enought the little booger was using it to control his universe, and mine... and the neighbors...etc.. i'm thinking ya'll get the point.
all this information was passed on by the arch-traitor lump... apparantly the mutant got a little stingy with the snacks, and when the lump was faced with a choice between loyalty to the mutant, or a tasty treat... well her spine snapped and she defected to the side of the good and righteous.
and when i say it snapped, i mean it SNAPPED. i mean one second, she's sitting by the mutants side, and then ....... "CRAAACK" followed by a rather subdued "pop" (the sound of air being displaced by her teleportation) she is 20 feet away , laying on her side with her nose damn near touching her tail and slobbering over the piece of steak i had just dropped on the floor.
and they say red meat is bad for you..... the hell with that.. carnivores rule!!!
anyway, in return for another pice of steak she spilled all.. thus armed with the knowledge so recently aquired, i managed to sneak into the mutants command center (his room) snitched his universal remote and removed the batteries.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
fast forward to the next afternoon.... the mutant walks into the living room, fixes mom and me with a steely glare and says.... bugu pleez!
after about 2 minutes with no response from either one of us, the mutant stalks into his room momentarily and then returns with the remote... BUGU PLEEZ!!!!
the look of consternation plastered on the mutants face turns to a smug grin as i get up from the couch and head towards the kitchen (and incidentally the door closest to the car) while in the kitchen i hear the mutant babbling to the lump in triumph (little knowing of the defection, or that disaster approaches)
i exit the kitchen as greedy little mutant paws claw the air before me in expectation of a whopper jr.... and recieved a pb&j instead!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! the heart rending scream of anguish, that issued from the mutants throat filled me with pure joy in knowing that i had triumphed... with a fierce scowl the mutant threw his remote on the ground (he knew instantly that he had been thwarted and his weapon neutralized) screamed "FINE" and ran wailing back to his room..
no doubt as i write this he is planning some all new plot, but now that we are aware of his capabilities , we shall be vigilant... and if he slips something by us, there is always the turncoat..
"the price of peace is eternal vigilance"
-dawg
god i am such a moron, all this time i was thinking it was mental powers the mutant was using. well i seemed to miss the OBVIOUS... remember the remote control??? it seems that it was not a toy car remote, rather it was a UNIVERSAL remote. and sure enought the little booger was using it to control his universe, and mine... and the neighbors...etc.. i'm thinking ya'll get the point.
all this information was passed on by the arch-traitor lump... apparantly the mutant got a little stingy with the snacks, and when the lump was faced with a choice between loyalty to the mutant, or a tasty treat... well her spine snapped and she defected to the side of the good and righteous.
and when i say it snapped, i mean it SNAPPED. i mean one second, she's sitting by the mutants side, and then ....... "CRAAACK" followed by a rather subdued "pop" (the sound of air being displaced by her teleportation) she is 20 feet away , laying on her side with her nose damn near touching her tail and slobbering over the piece of steak i had just dropped on the floor.
and they say red meat is bad for you..... the hell with that.. carnivores rule!!!
anyway, in return for another pice of steak she spilled all.. thus armed with the knowledge so recently aquired, i managed to sneak into the mutants command center (his room) snitched his universal remote and removed the batteries.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
fast forward to the next afternoon.... the mutant walks into the living room, fixes mom and me with a steely glare and says.... bugu pleez!
after about 2 minutes with no response from either one of us, the mutant stalks into his room momentarily and then returns with the remote... BUGU PLEEZ!!!!
the look of consternation plastered on the mutants face turns to a smug grin as i get up from the couch and head towards the kitchen (and incidentally the door closest to the car) while in the kitchen i hear the mutant babbling to the lump in triumph (little knowing of the defection, or that disaster approaches)
i exit the kitchen as greedy little mutant paws claw the air before me in expectation of a whopper jr.... and recieved a pb&j instead!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! the heart rending scream of anguish, that issued from the mutants throat filled me with pure joy in knowing that i had triumphed... with a fierce scowl the mutant threw his remote on the ground (he knew instantly that he had been thwarted and his weapon neutralized) screamed "FINE" and ran wailing back to his room..
no doubt as i write this he is planning some all new plot, but now that we are aware of his capabilities , we shall be vigilant... and if he slips something by us, there is always the turncoat..
"the price of peace is eternal vigilance"
-dawg
Thursday, July 26, 2007
cracking the code: part three (resistance!!)
now that we know that ANYONE might be one of the mutants zombie victims, i think now might be time to give a few tips on how to resist the insidious powers of the mutant..
1. when the mutant (or a zombie victim) ask for coke or candy, quickly hand them juice and cheese crackers (this seems to confuse and weaken him/them) ...if he/they starts to make piercing whinig noises.. rejoice you are RESISTING the domination.
2. when he/they become stubborn and refuse to complete a set task, quickly 9877^&$%^%%^........................ try ^$&&^$&()5646756..........................
the mewtent iiissss gooooood.....
........ohhhh lord the pain.......
the mewtant iissssssss yuuuurr frennndddd!!!
.......
...
.............................. fleee while you still can...^&$* rghhhhh.....
yooo wiiilllll ooooobbbeyy theee mewtant
1. when the mutant (or a zombie victim) ask for coke or candy, quickly hand them juice and cheese crackers (this seems to confuse and weaken him/them) ...if he/they starts to make piercing whinig noises.. rejoice you are RESISTING the domination.
2. when he/they become stubborn and refuse to complete a set task, quickly 9877^&$%^%%^........................ try ^$&&^$&()5646756..........................
the mewtent iiissss gooooood.....
........ohhhh lord the pain.......
the mewtant iissssssss yuuuurr frennndddd!!!
.......
...
.............................. fleee while you still can...^&$* rghhhhh.....
yooo wiiilllll ooooobbbeyy theee mewtant
cracking the code: part two ( world domination tour 2007 )
..... coming soon, to a home near you!
it is becoming frustratingly evident that "the code" is not just verbal, but rather is comprised of a bewildering array of sounds, gestures and expressions.
that being said, the depths of depravity the mutant is willing to explore shock even my callous soul..
during a recent trip to the grocery store we (mama, mutant, and i) ran into a friend of mine who works at the store, and proceeded to chat for a minute.. my friend (who has has only slight contact with the mutant) looks over at the smug little tyrant and says hi to the mutant. the mutant then proceed to launch a full blown assault against this poor unsuspecting fool (my friend).
the mutant looks back at my friend cracks an impish grin, and says in a rather commanding tone "HIIII!!!!" and just about leaps out of my arms at my friend (for a second i was wondering if he was going for the jugular) and opens his arms wide for a hug...
my friend goes slightly cross eyed (obviously under the mutants mind control at this point) as the little bugger clings to his neck like a 25 pound leech. in a moment of supreme will my friend seems able to break the trance for a second (mutant was momentarily distracted by a cookie i thnk) and hands the mutant back to me.
now comes the truly HORRIFIC part!!!
my friend (by now slightly vacant-eyed) start rummaging in his pocket.. i am kind of wondering what the hell is going on when he sort of stiffens up ( hmmm.. mental crushing of the victims will by the mutant??) and extracts a dollar bill from his pocket and hands it to the mutant..
OHH MY GAWD... he is using random victims to fund his crusade!!!!
i think for a second , and realize that this is not an isolated nor infrequent thing....
an arab shopkeeper friend opening a highly collectible hotwheel and giving it to the mutant
the lady at the movie store with the free balloons....
the stickers at the market...
the neighbors giving him a hot dog THEY were about to eat THEMSELVES!!
whene will it stop.. where do his final ambitions lie........ where will he stop??
..............you.....too......may...........be ...... one of his victims!!!!!
..............................fight............the...........................domination!!!!!!!
-dawg
it is becoming frustratingly evident that "the code" is not just verbal, but rather is comprised of a bewildering array of sounds, gestures and expressions.
that being said, the depths of depravity the mutant is willing to explore shock even my callous soul..
during a recent trip to the grocery store we (mama, mutant, and i) ran into a friend of mine who works at the store, and proceeded to chat for a minute.. my friend (who has has only slight contact with the mutant) looks over at the smug little tyrant and says hi to the mutant. the mutant then proceed to launch a full blown assault against this poor unsuspecting fool (my friend).
the mutant looks back at my friend cracks an impish grin, and says in a rather commanding tone "HIIII!!!!" and just about leaps out of my arms at my friend (for a second i was wondering if he was going for the jugular) and opens his arms wide for a hug...
my friend goes slightly cross eyed (obviously under the mutants mind control at this point) as the little bugger clings to his neck like a 25 pound leech. in a moment of supreme will my friend seems able to break the trance for a second (mutant was momentarily distracted by a cookie i thnk) and hands the mutant back to me.
now comes the truly HORRIFIC part!!!
my friend (by now slightly vacant-eyed) start rummaging in his pocket.. i am kind of wondering what the hell is going on when he sort of stiffens up ( hmmm.. mental crushing of the victims will by the mutant??) and extracts a dollar bill from his pocket and hands it to the mutant..
OHH MY GAWD... he is using random victims to fund his crusade!!!!
i think for a second , and realize that this is not an isolated nor infrequent thing....
an arab shopkeeper friend opening a highly collectible hotwheel and giving it to the mutant
the lady at the movie store with the free balloons....
the stickers at the market...
the neighbors giving him a hot dog THEY were about to eat THEMSELVES!!
whene will it stop.. where do his final ambitions lie........ where will he stop??
..............you.....too......may...........be ...... one of his victims!!!!!
..............................fight............the...........................domination!!!!!!!
-dawg
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
cracking the code: part one (the veil lifts)
now that i am faced with the very real likelihood that the lump and the mutant are in full communication, and in all probabilty plotting world domination behind my back.
it has become imperative that i crack the "code" otherwise known as xavierese..
only with the succsessful infiltration of their secret language can i hope to avert disaster.
so far progress is painfully slow but i have managed to decipher three words and am now able to discern how these once innocent phrases are used to devasting effect on a daily basis..
1. TANK - to you and me a 15 ton metal bohemoth that crushes and destroys enemies in front of it..
....in xavierese tank = SNACK (seems innocent huh?... just you wait!)
2. BUGU (has no known definition in our world)
... in xavierese =BURGER
3. PLEASE i dont even really need to define this for you and me
.. however in xavierese PLEASE is a deadly potent weapon used to secure evrything from toys and treats to the mutant using it to subliminaly control our minds..
for example "please tank" is used to suddenly and completly subsume the target victims will and force them to immediately stop whatever they are doing and go fetch the mutant some for of sugar laden power food formerly known as a "SNACK"
a second example:
"PLEEEASE bugu!! daddy-o" (daddy-o seems to be some form of power word that magnifies the effects of his mind control, only works on me however)
this evil phrase when used with a slight pout to the lips and a glimmering of tears in the eyes, will quite literally suspend all activity in a 20ft radius and instantly cause adults in the area of effect to proceed to burger king and purchase hamburgers for the mutant's enjoyment....
... i am beginning to think that the lump is mentally reinforcing the mutants mind control, as she is always glued to his side whenever he unleashes his dastardly powers...
it took a while to see what the lump gains by assisting the mutant in his rampage towards world domination.. but i have noticed that the mutant gives her bits of candy and hamburger, for which the lump is embarassngly greatful...(hmmm maybe some sort of symbiotic relationship???)
anyway.. i have seen justa a couple of the weapons at the mutant's disposal (and they are truly horrible to be seen in use), and just maybe through identification i might be able to blunt future assaults....
.... if only there is enought time to crack the full code before......
-dawg
it has become imperative that i crack the "code" otherwise known as xavierese..
only with the succsessful infiltration of their secret language can i hope to avert disaster.
so far progress is painfully slow but i have managed to decipher three words and am now able to discern how these once innocent phrases are used to devasting effect on a daily basis..
1. TANK - to you and me a 15 ton metal bohemoth that crushes and destroys enemies in front of it..
....in xavierese tank = SNACK (seems innocent huh?... just you wait!)
2. BUGU (has no known definition in our world)
... in xavierese =BURGER
3. PLEASE i dont even really need to define this for you and me
.. however in xavierese PLEASE is a deadly potent weapon used to secure evrything from toys and treats to the mutant using it to subliminaly control our minds..
for example "please tank" is used to suddenly and completly subsume the target victims will and force them to immediately stop whatever they are doing and go fetch the mutant some for of sugar laden power food formerly known as a "SNACK"
a second example:
"PLEEEASE bugu!! daddy-o" (daddy-o seems to be some form of power word that magnifies the effects of his mind control, only works on me however)
this evil phrase when used with a slight pout to the lips and a glimmering of tears in the eyes, will quite literally suspend all activity in a 20ft radius and instantly cause adults in the area of effect to proceed to burger king and purchase hamburgers for the mutant's enjoyment....
... i am beginning to think that the lump is mentally reinforcing the mutants mind control, as she is always glued to his side whenever he unleashes his dastardly powers...
it took a while to see what the lump gains by assisting the mutant in his rampage towards world domination.. but i have noticed that the mutant gives her bits of candy and hamburger, for which the lump is embarassngly greatful...(hmmm maybe some sort of symbiotic relationship???)
anyway.. i have seen justa a couple of the weapons at the mutant's disposal (and they are truly horrible to be seen in use), and just maybe through identification i might be able to blunt future assaults....
.... if only there is enought time to crack the full code before......
-dawg
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Yet again, my little world has taken a screaming right hand turn into the twilight zone.
... so there i am blissfully enjoyin my hack-n-slash fest ont the computer, when my son comes hurtling out of his room and slams into the back of my chair hard enough to make me worried about massive head trauma.
he then proceeds to tug my elbow repeatedly whilst insistently saying "hey HEY HEY".
shaken out of my blood soaked fantasy, i dislodge myself from the electronic nipple and fix the boy with my best "you are so going to get it" glare and ask him what he wants.
his response, well he hands me a matchbox car then quacks at me and scuttles back to his room.... seriously he QUACKED at me.. it was like some weird pink duck walked in and wanted to say heya.
apparently i was in urgent need of a toy car only i just didnnt know that yet (i still haven't figured out the quack thing). i give a mental shrug and turn back around to my gore-fest and go back to la-la land. after about five minutes or so (at least i THINK it was five minutes...hell it coulda been 2 hours) irealize it is WAAAAY too quiet ... and the dog.... is no where to be seen.. (DANGER will robinson DANGER).
i go whipping outta my chair and start to run to his room (imagining the tortures that have been inflicted on the poor put-upon lump), and nearly break my neck slipping on a cunningly placed toddler devised warning system ( 2nd matchbox car in stealth mode). now so forewarned jr pops his head out of his room and says "hi daddy-o"
i open the door expecting the worst, and there sits the lump comfortably sacked out on jrs bed all happy and shit. i think to myself "well hell... false alarm ... back to the game" and as i start to go back to the computer i hear jr start to babble on in xavierese, i turn around so i can figure out what it is that he wants and sneak up to his room to peer in. now HERE is where the whole thing takes a tailspin into utter madness.
he isnt talking to me at all... he's talking to the feaking LUMP, and shes listening to him. not resignedly tolerating him,, shes staring at him intently apparently hanging on to every word. he stops talking for a second and the damn lump heaves her lazy ass off his bed and trundles over to his toybox and snuffles at his remote control firetruck... i'll be dammned if he doesnt go over to the toybox and grab the truck and remote and cart it over to the bed.
the lump goes back over to the bed and lays down again... meanwhile jr is apparently lecturing the lump about how to control the rc firetruck....
JUST WAIT A FRICKIN MINUTE HERE..... the lump and the toddler are working together now??? and they understand each other as well????
holy sheep shit batman... i'm screwed.. they've banded together, the miscchief factor just increased by a factor of 15 million.
guess it's time i hunker down and break the code (previously xavierese has been a mere curiosity).. maybe the cake and milk will lull them into a false sense of security... but ill keep my eyes open now that i know they can communicate....
-dawg
... so there i am blissfully enjoyin my hack-n-slash fest ont the computer, when my son comes hurtling out of his room and slams into the back of my chair hard enough to make me worried about massive head trauma.
he then proceeds to tug my elbow repeatedly whilst insistently saying "hey HEY HEY".
shaken out of my blood soaked fantasy, i dislodge myself from the electronic nipple and fix the boy with my best "you are so going to get it" glare and ask him what he wants.
his response, well he hands me a matchbox car then quacks at me and scuttles back to his room.... seriously he QUACKED at me.. it was like some weird pink duck walked in and wanted to say heya.
apparently i was in urgent need of a toy car only i just didnnt know that yet (i still haven't figured out the quack thing). i give a mental shrug and turn back around to my gore-fest and go back to la-la land. after about five minutes or so (at least i THINK it was five minutes...hell it coulda been 2 hours) irealize it is WAAAAY too quiet ... and the dog.... is no where to be seen.. (DANGER will robinson DANGER).
i go whipping outta my chair and start to run to his room (imagining the tortures that have been inflicted on the poor put-upon lump), and nearly break my neck slipping on a cunningly placed toddler devised warning system ( 2nd matchbox car in stealth mode). now so forewarned jr pops his head out of his room and says "hi daddy-o"
i open the door expecting the worst, and there sits the lump comfortably sacked out on jrs bed all happy and shit. i think to myself "well hell... false alarm ... back to the game" and as i start to go back to the computer i hear jr start to babble on in xavierese, i turn around so i can figure out what it is that he wants and sneak up to his room to peer in. now HERE is where the whole thing takes a tailspin into utter madness.
he isnt talking to me at all... he's talking to the feaking LUMP, and shes listening to him. not resignedly tolerating him,, shes staring at him intently apparently hanging on to every word. he stops talking for a second and the damn lump heaves her lazy ass off his bed and trundles over to his toybox and snuffles at his remote control firetruck... i'll be dammned if he doesnt go over to the toybox and grab the truck and remote and cart it over to the bed.
the lump goes back over to the bed and lays down again... meanwhile jr is apparently lecturing the lump about how to control the rc firetruck....
JUST WAIT A FRICKIN MINUTE HERE..... the lump and the toddler are working together now??? and they understand each other as well????
holy sheep shit batman... i'm screwed.. they've banded together, the miscchief factor just increased by a factor of 15 million.
guess it's time i hunker down and break the code (previously xavierese has been a mere curiosity).. maybe the cake and milk will lull them into a false sense of security... but ill keep my eyes open now that i know they can communicate....
-dawg
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