First off let me say that uncle daryl is my best friend, and for many years has proven to be one of the most stalwart, caring human beings it has been my privilege to know.
truly my life has been enriched (and sometimes dragged through the mud) by having him around.
..that being said, sometimes i seriously wonder if he is etier a: insane or b:just plain mean.
case in point, we went looking at toy ideas for xaviers birthday. these are just a few of the gems that he suggested:
1. remote controlled helicopter (aww hell no, this thing could take the place of my dremel, i can just see him grinding the dogs nose off with it)
2. battery operated moving roaring dinosaur (while freaking awesome... gotta say no to dino roars 26 hours a day for the next six months)
3. "little construction set" by black and decker (i cant even begin to explain how wrong this one is, the destruction potential is truly GLOBAL)
4. hot wheels playset (i almost ok'd this one till i realized he had picked out the one that had the motorized launching device.... yeah, i really want a toy car accelerated to mach one and then shot at my head)
5. "indiana jones" WHIP with real life sounds. (i swear my jaw hit the floor and i was freaking speechless)
proof positive that uncles be they honorary or fer real that don't have kids.. have absolutely no idea the hell that parents go through after ther seemingly innocent "GIFTS"
(i'm pretty sure he's just insane.... he actually knows this kid, yet he still suggested all of the above.... what would you think??)
whacked outta his freaking skull!
much luv daryl.. you really are the best!
peace
-dawg
Monday, June 23, 2008
Picking presents, and birthday blues!
In just a couple of weeks (2 weeks to be exact) the mutant will have graced all us lesser mortals here with his magnificent presence for 4 WHOLE YEARS.
this milestone has brought an extremely important question to the forefront of my mind. WHAT EXACTLY do you get a world domination bent, daemonically posessed mutant toddler for a birthday present??? (other than holy water and maybe a cross to excorcise the daemon)
i figure the ideal present has to have a few basic specifications.
1. must be STURDY!
2. should be thought provoking (heh gotta sneak education in there)
3. should hold jr's attention (this one is tough considering the redbull-ferret on meth thing)
4. must be STURDY!
5. ideally should be low (er) cost.. (that leaves out that slightly used surplus tank)
6. should not be inherently dangerous to most higher life forms. (NO DARYL you CAN'T get him a remote controlled helicopter)
7. must be STURDY! (sense a pattern yet?)
8. absolutely must be dishwasher safe (cmon i dare ya, tell me ya aint tossed your kids crap in the dishwasher)
9. should be easy to operate. (damn that shoots down the JR SCIENTIST CLUB build your own space shuttle kit)
looks like kegos again...
.......sigh, yet another year of
"what the hell" (lego in shoe)
"owowowowowo dammmit what was..." (tiny lego under foot in middle of midnight bathroom run)
"NOnoNOnoNO do not stick that there" (said while removing lego from dogs nostril)
"look daddy i made a dog" (HOLLEE SHIT WHATTHEHELL ISTHAT)
and of course..
"GET YOUR LITTLE BUT OVER HERE NOW" (immediately following yet another flying lego experiment)
and ya REALLY were wondering bout the "birthday blues in the title, weren't ya???
i never said he was blue did i?
peace
-dawg
this milestone has brought an extremely important question to the forefront of my mind. WHAT EXACTLY do you get a world domination bent, daemonically posessed mutant toddler for a birthday present??? (other than holy water and maybe a cross to excorcise the daemon)
i figure the ideal present has to have a few basic specifications.
1. must be STURDY!
2. should be thought provoking (heh gotta sneak education in there)
3. should hold jr's attention (this one is tough considering the redbull-ferret on meth thing)
4. must be STURDY!
5. ideally should be low (er) cost.. (that leaves out that slightly used surplus tank)
6. should not be inherently dangerous to most higher life forms. (NO DARYL you CAN'T get him a remote controlled helicopter)
7. must be STURDY! (sense a pattern yet?)
8. absolutely must be dishwasher safe (cmon i dare ya, tell me ya aint tossed your kids crap in the dishwasher)
9. should be easy to operate. (damn that shoots down the JR SCIENTIST CLUB build your own space shuttle kit)
looks like kegos again...
.......sigh, yet another year of
"what the hell" (lego in shoe)
"owowowowowo dammmit what was..." (tiny lego under foot in middle of midnight bathroom run)
"NOnoNOnoNO do not stick that there" (said while removing lego from dogs nostril)
"look daddy i made a dog" (HOLLEE SHIT WHATTHEHELL ISTHAT)
and of course..
"GET YOUR LITTLE BUT OVER HERE NOW" (immediately following yet another flying lego experiment)
and ya REALLY were wondering bout the "birthday blues in the title, weren't ya???
i never said he was blue did i?
peace
-dawg
Sunday, June 15, 2008
If jr aint happy, aint nobody happy,: fathers day 2008
Well it's fathers day, and for the first time in his life jr was actually able to wish me a "happy fathers day. (with a little coaching from mom of course)
jr is sick at the moment with a little summer cold. and his overall demeanor has changed from bright and sunny (daemonic glee) to unhappy and apathetic (the neighbor shot and ate my dog!, but i don't care). and as is the natural way of things, he is determined to share his misery with all of us!
so our little redbull fueled ferret has degenerated into a badger with hemmerhoids.
me: xavier, are you hungry?
x: NO! hack hack cough cough (kicks the dog and flops to the ground)
me: xavier, do you want to watch a movie?
x: cough hack cough, NO!
me: xavier, do you want to take a nap?
x: cough, NO I DONT WANT TO NAP!!! hack hack
me: well? what do you want???
x: I WANT TREATS! cake! pleeease!
me: no xavier you cant have cake
x: WHIIINNNE, SNIFF SNIFFF aaaaahhhhhggghhhh!
mom: xavier, tell daddy happy fathers day
x:hack sniiffle cough happy fathers day cough sniff dadee.. hack hack!
me: here you can have a piece of cake!
ARGGHH HE DID IT AGAIN!
i am sooo whipped
peace
-dawg
jr is sick at the moment with a little summer cold. and his overall demeanor has changed from bright and sunny (daemonic glee) to unhappy and apathetic (the neighbor shot and ate my dog!, but i don't care). and as is the natural way of things, he is determined to share his misery with all of us!
so our little redbull fueled ferret has degenerated into a badger with hemmerhoids.
me: xavier, are you hungry?
x: NO! hack hack cough cough (kicks the dog and flops to the ground)
me: xavier, do you want to watch a movie?
x: cough hack cough, NO!
me: xavier, do you want to take a nap?
x: cough, NO I DONT WANT TO NAP!!! hack hack
me: well? what do you want???
x: I WANT TREATS! cake! pleeease!
me: no xavier you cant have cake
x: WHIIINNNE, SNIFF SNIFFF aaaaahhhhhggghhhh!
mom: xavier, tell daddy happy fathers day
x:hack sniiffle cough happy fathers day cough sniff dadee.. hack hack!
me: here you can have a piece of cake!
ARGGHH HE DID IT AGAIN!
i am sooo whipped
peace
-dawg
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The newest olympic sport: PACKING!
anyone who has ever moved has experienced the unmitigated hell that is packing for the move!
.....BUT, you until you add a 4 yr old to the mix of stress and boxes, only then can you truly understand "the inferno" as described by dante!
first off, we are buying a house (our first home) and even through all the whining this is truly a blessing. (now that the disclaimer is out of the way, ... back to the rant)
5 years ago the wife and i were in real bad shape financially, living in a pay by the week trailer, and selling our frigging BOOKS to make ends meet. i mean not ramen poor... but generic baloney and outlet store bread poor!
fast forward to 2008!
when we moved into our apartment 4 1/2 years ago we moved pretty much everything in the backseat of a 1981 monte carlo. today as im apacking our stuff in preparation for the upcoming move, it finally struck me how much STUFF we have accumulated in the last 4 years.
and seriously folks, i don't want to go into how much of it is USELESS CRAP that i never even look at, let alone use!
i opened the bedroom closet to get stuff out of there and pack it up, and got smakced in the face by a newspaper from 2004! i found clothes that i forgot i have have never worn (and seeing as that was 3-4 belt notches ago, probably never will wear em).
jr's closet.... well lets just say i found where the legions of plastic straws have been going!
so i'm packing all my books up in my bedroom (quite oblivious to the world) and all of a sudden this cold chill grips my spine. so i go out to the hallway to see what exactly has gotten my "spidey sense" tingling, and what do i see?
the last 45 minutes or so worth of paperbacks that i have been packing away neatly into boxes, have magically re-formed into a fortress blocking the hallway.
this thing is so solid, i could probably patrol the ramparts myself... 2 feet thick and 3 /12 feet high.
jr stands back... puts one hand on his hip, thrust the other hand towards me palm upwards (with a sweeping wave towards his bastion of solitude) and says "LOOK DADDY" "MY CASTLE"
45 minutes worth of work demolished and rebuilt in 5 minutes........ anyone need a general contractor? the mutant works cheap and fast!
.....BUT, you until you add a 4 yr old to the mix of stress and boxes, only then can you truly understand "the inferno" as described by dante!
first off, we are buying a house (our first home) and even through all the whining this is truly a blessing. (now that the disclaimer is out of the way, ... back to the rant)
5 years ago the wife and i were in real bad shape financially, living in a pay by the week trailer, and selling our frigging BOOKS to make ends meet. i mean not ramen poor... but generic baloney and outlet store bread poor!
fast forward to 2008!
when we moved into our apartment 4 1/2 years ago we moved pretty much everything in the backseat of a 1981 monte carlo. today as im apacking our stuff in preparation for the upcoming move, it finally struck me how much STUFF we have accumulated in the last 4 years.
and seriously folks, i don't want to go into how much of it is USELESS CRAP that i never even look at, let alone use!
i opened the bedroom closet to get stuff out of there and pack it up, and got smakced in the face by a newspaper from 2004! i found clothes that i forgot i have have never worn (and seeing as that was 3-4 belt notches ago, probably never will wear em).
jr's closet.... well lets just say i found where the legions of plastic straws have been going!
so i'm packing all my books up in my bedroom (quite oblivious to the world) and all of a sudden this cold chill grips my spine. so i go out to the hallway to see what exactly has gotten my "spidey sense" tingling, and what do i see?
the last 45 minutes or so worth of paperbacks that i have been packing away neatly into boxes, have magically re-formed into a fortress blocking the hallway.
this thing is so solid, i could probably patrol the ramparts myself... 2 feet thick and 3 /12 feet high.
jr stands back... puts one hand on his hip, thrust the other hand towards me palm upwards (with a sweeping wave towards his bastion of solitude) and says "LOOK DADDY" "MY CASTLE"
45 minutes worth of work demolished and rebuilt in 5 minutes........ anyone need a general contractor? the mutant works cheap and fast!
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