5:00 am wakeup and check the perimiter: all clear, back to sleep.
7:00 am the mutant stirs: prepare to hide, nap until it awkaens.
7:15 am rudely awoken by shoe thwacking top of head: hide while mutant gorges on pop-tarts. snatch poptart out of mutants' hand when mom isn't paying attention.
7:30 am hide and continue napping.
8:00 am sit in front of dad and stare. (can't the idiot tell i need to go OUT NOW!)
8:05 am hah, faked em out again, eat bones in neighbors yard.
8:06 am chucked back in the house again, oh well i'm kinda tired maybe i'll take a nap.
11:30 am kool! dad is cooking something, and damn it smells good. look pitiful at kitchen door (sucker is gonna cave and give me scraps, works every time)
11:45 am scraps aquired, damg i'm tired. might as well take a nap
1:30 pm i swear i'm gonna pee on the mutant while he's sleeping. $R#%$ show you what to do with that $%#%$#% hammer, ya little punk
2:15 pm finally, the little monster is napping. sounds like a good idea!
4:00 pm oh oh oh oh! leftovers... dad rocks. oooohhhh and mutant crumbs, i wonder if i can grab that piece of chicken he's got??
4:01 pm sonofabitch that smarts.... note to self: no grabbing chicken from the mutant while mom is watching.
5:00 pm movie time, peace and quiet, and no abuse for a while, think i'll take a nap
8:00 pm well damn, it's been a busy day.. think i'll go to bed.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
Holy leaping lemurs, batman!
.... skitter, scrabble---whoosh
leap,leap,leap,leap
like a blue guided missle the lazy blue lump comes streaking into the room (exhibiting speeds i'd not thought possible from her) to escape the rampaging mutant toddler.
jr comes into the room hot on the heels of his intended victim. he is doing this strange little thing he picked up from the pbs show "zaboomafoo". all the while waving his "sword" (a plastic straw). the glint of imment destructive urges shine in his eyes, this is NOT gonna be good. but i damn well will be hilarious!
the main character of the show (a cute ringtailed lemur puppet) does this little sideways hop as his main method of locomotion, all the while punctuating every hop with a cry of "leap".
this is the latest creature he has taken to emulating. last month it was a crab, the month before it was a cat. it's all good as long as he doesnt turn into the poo-flinging monkey!
ok ok back to the story...
the blue lump doesnt really like the boy, i mean she doesn't actively dislike him, she just treats him like an annoyance or at best mild indifference. now the boy....... LOVES the dog, he is freaking CRAZY about her..
i have never understood it, the lump does her level best to ignore him, and he does his best to constantly wear her ass out.
personally i'm kinda greatful, it takes some of the stress offa ME!
but as i realize the lump is getting kinda old now, oh my lord its gonna be tough to replace her, but it will have to happen eventually, and i have started to compile a list of attributes that the lump's sucessor will ABSOLUTELY have.
1. must be sturdy (i mean like battleship or fallout shelter sturdy)
2. must be patient (slug on thorazene patient)
3. self sufficient (able to forage scraps from jr, or else might starve)
4. must be sturdy (lord knows he is gonna smack her with areal hammer one day)
5. did i mention STURDY
skitter skitter whoosh kathump (well she cut that corner a little tight)
leap, leap, leap, leap........ heh heh.....
uh oh theres that demonic giggle again, gotta go check if the dog is in mortal danger
till the next blast
-dawg
leap,leap,leap,leap
like a blue guided missle the lazy blue lump comes streaking into the room (exhibiting speeds i'd not thought possible from her) to escape the rampaging mutant toddler.
jr comes into the room hot on the heels of his intended victim. he is doing this strange little thing he picked up from the pbs show "zaboomafoo". all the while waving his "sword" (a plastic straw). the glint of imment destructive urges shine in his eyes, this is NOT gonna be good. but i damn well will be hilarious!
the main character of the show (a cute ringtailed lemur puppet) does this little sideways hop as his main method of locomotion, all the while punctuating every hop with a cry of "leap".
this is the latest creature he has taken to emulating. last month it was a crab, the month before it was a cat. it's all good as long as he doesnt turn into the poo-flinging monkey!
ok ok back to the story...
the blue lump doesnt really like the boy, i mean she doesn't actively dislike him, she just treats him like an annoyance or at best mild indifference. now the boy....... LOVES the dog, he is freaking CRAZY about her..
i have never understood it, the lump does her level best to ignore him, and he does his best to constantly wear her ass out.
personally i'm kinda greatful, it takes some of the stress offa ME!
but as i realize the lump is getting kinda old now, oh my lord its gonna be tough to replace her, but it will have to happen eventually, and i have started to compile a list of attributes that the lump's sucessor will ABSOLUTELY have.
1. must be sturdy (i mean like battleship or fallout shelter sturdy)
2. must be patient (slug on thorazene patient)
3. self sufficient (able to forage scraps from jr, or else might starve)
4. must be sturdy (lord knows he is gonna smack her with areal hammer one day)
5. did i mention STURDY
skitter skitter whoosh kathump (well she cut that corner a little tight)
leap, leap, leap, leap........ heh heh.....
uh oh theres that demonic giggle again, gotta go check if the dog is in mortal danger
till the next blast
-dawg
Sunday, June 3, 2007
where the hell did i put the instruction book???
It seems that every day i get assaulted by a barrage of suggestions on raising my child that run the gauntlet from well meaning to completely sanctimonious drivel. the tv drones on on the "proper" way to speak to my son, the radio tells me i need to spend more time reading to him, folks i know vaguely suggest ways to get him to sleep...
what i would like to know, as all these sources seem to have the "official child raising" instruction book stashed in their collective back pockets is:
WHERE THE HELL DO I GET A COPY????? apparently i missed the handout day when they passed em out. so here i am stuck winging it!
oh my god, he just ate a rock!! you need to watch him closer, says a neighbor....(thanks for such sage advice o wise one)
what the hell? do you not even know this child??
he has the energy level of a ferret on redbull, i mean seriously he make me freaking tired just watching him. meanwhile my australian cattle dog (supposed to be a high energy dog) raised her red rimmed eyes off the pillow she has been sleeping on (for the last 6 hours) as if to say, "give it up man, you'll never win! (so sayeth the lazy blue lump).
momma is running around in the background completely freaked out muttering something about hospitals and stomach pumps...
my response is a little more tempered, i'm thinking to myself "it's just a rock and not a very big one either, i fully expect to see it again in about 6-8 hours.
shoot when i was a kid i probably ate enough nickels and dimes to plate a full size cadillac. (i will admit the nickels were a bit painful though, when they showed back up and out)
anyway there ya go, apparently my parenting style is a bit laid back, and that obviously is NOT what THE BOOK says.
what i can figure out from all these conflicting messages is before taking my son outside i need to do a few things.
1. layer him in a kevlar suit with ceramic trauma plates. (can't have a little boy getting bruises scrapes or bumps)
2. make sure his helmet has the anti-microbial, dust and particulate filter in place. (heaven forbid he might swallow a bug!)
3. shellac every square inch of skin (that has a miniscule chance of being exposed) with radiation proof spf 5000 sun block. ( that nasty ole sun will fry him to a crisp instantly)
4. make sure his triple filtered self-contained oxygen supply is fully charged (NO NO NO fresh outdoor air is BAD)
5. formulate a schedule that is planned out to the microsecond and never to be deviated from. (absolutely no spontaneous fun allowed)
......................OH HELL NO, not my kid!
these may be an extreme examples, but seriously this is the direction we are headed in. and frankly i have seen some of those things actually get inflicted on poor unsuspecting kids around me.
small wonder some kids end up neurotic!
me i think im just gonna go on being an irresponsible parent.
you know, letting my son have fun playing in the dirt, hugging starnge children, and hitting the dog in the head with his toy hammer. (it sounds bad, but the damn dog don't even wake up any more when he does that)
and as for the instruction book...... been doing fine so far, so maybe i'll forget about it fer a while.
......... ohh yeah by the way, chocolate cake and pepsi ROCK for breakfast.
till next blast
-dawg
what i would like to know, as all these sources seem to have the "official child raising" instruction book stashed in their collective back pockets is:
WHERE THE HELL DO I GET A COPY????? apparently i missed the handout day when they passed em out. so here i am stuck winging it!
oh my god, he just ate a rock!! you need to watch him closer, says a neighbor....(thanks for such sage advice o wise one)
what the hell? do you not even know this child??
he has the energy level of a ferret on redbull, i mean seriously he make me freaking tired just watching him. meanwhile my australian cattle dog (supposed to be a high energy dog) raised her red rimmed eyes off the pillow she has been sleeping on (for the last 6 hours) as if to say, "give it up man, you'll never win! (so sayeth the lazy blue lump).
momma is running around in the background completely freaked out muttering something about hospitals and stomach pumps...
my response is a little more tempered, i'm thinking to myself "it's just a rock and not a very big one either, i fully expect to see it again in about 6-8 hours.
shoot when i was a kid i probably ate enough nickels and dimes to plate a full size cadillac. (i will admit the nickels were a bit painful though, when they showed back up and out)
anyway there ya go, apparently my parenting style is a bit laid back, and that obviously is NOT what THE BOOK says.
what i can figure out from all these conflicting messages is before taking my son outside i need to do a few things.
1. layer him in a kevlar suit with ceramic trauma plates. (can't have a little boy getting bruises scrapes or bumps)
2. make sure his helmet has the anti-microbial, dust and particulate filter in place. (heaven forbid he might swallow a bug!)
3. shellac every square inch of skin (that has a miniscule chance of being exposed) with radiation proof spf 5000 sun block. ( that nasty ole sun will fry him to a crisp instantly)
4. make sure his triple filtered self-contained oxygen supply is fully charged (NO NO NO fresh outdoor air is BAD)
5. formulate a schedule that is planned out to the microsecond and never to be deviated from. (absolutely no spontaneous fun allowed)
......................OH HELL NO, not my kid!
these may be an extreme examples, but seriously this is the direction we are headed in. and frankly i have seen some of those things actually get inflicted on poor unsuspecting kids around me.
small wonder some kids end up neurotic!
me i think im just gonna go on being an irresponsible parent.
you know, letting my son have fun playing in the dirt, hugging starnge children, and hitting the dog in the head with his toy hammer. (it sounds bad, but the damn dog don't even wake up any more when he does that)
and as for the instruction book...... been doing fine so far, so maybe i'll forget about it fer a while.
......... ohh yeah by the way, chocolate cake and pepsi ROCK for breakfast.
till next blast
-dawg
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