and i swear to god im gonna blow that fucker away... and his reindeer too!.... heeeyyy now thats a great idea... reindeer is pretty tasty! (wonder how much a pound i can get for em.
ok ok, i'm sure you probably think im the grinch, right? well i am not, just let me explain.
for many years (all my damn life) i have striven to be a "manly" man, and well i have been successful so far.. hell i like fast cars, violent movies and big ole boobs... can't get much manlier than that can ya.
even through two marriages even my house has managed to stay decidedly (non-frilly) ya gotta understand.. i don't do froo-froo!
well baby GRRRR (laura beth) just turned one last week, and i realized that the freaking jolly fat man (santa) will in addition to bringing suitably many toys for jr, be bringing ..... UUGGGHHH... dolly's and... AAAACCCCKKKKK...... barbies for the GRRRR..... OHH HELL NO!
it may not be this year, but it will be soon.....
thusly....
THE FAT MAN HAS GOTTA DIE!!!
give me a buzz if ya see his jolly ass comin down the road.... or better yet.. i'll pay a bounty for his ass..... oh and an extra 20 is in it if ya bring me a "red nose" from that visually challenged reindeer.
well it's been a bit since my last post.. too long i know.
quick recap:
baby girl born on oct 21st
name: laura beth
nickname: stinkbutt (?? have you ever smelled baby farts?????)
weight/length at birth (big/long)
current status; sleeping (thank god)
** new masthead with updated pics coming soon **
needless to say things have been a jus a tiny bit hectic round here. (tiny bit... yeah right.. freaking insane is more like it)
having an infant in the house is a life changing experience (and not always the aww so cute, rip your heart out type)
think more like mind numbing zombification type life changing.
just a quick observance before i do what i should be doing (racing for the bed like the hounds of the dammned are after me)
the stages of early childhood are actually very easy to recognize as they change, leastways in hindsight, and with a touch of experience, they can be quantified by the type of sleep the parent and child gets at each stage.
newborn: sleeps like the dead for extended periods of time (think hibernation)
parent: sleep??? what the hell is that, who gets any for the first week??
infant: sleeps for random periods with no discernable pattern
parent: see above usually in sync with infant (results in neurotic zombie like state)
** special warning, parents at this stage are VERY susceptible to suggestion** ( jr actually talked us into getting him a FISH the other day.. this is how suggestible your frapped out brain can become.... hell this kid used to hit the dog in the head with a hammer.. and we got him a poor defenseless fish???)
toddler: sleep patterns regulate to whatever the hell th child wants, but can usually stretch for 6-7 hours of hibernation at a time (safety note: keep food handy for waking from hibernation.. hungry toddlers would kick the crap out of a hungry bear and are fricking meaner than wolverine with hemmorhoids)
parent: sleeps in time with child, but with one eye/ear open... TODDLERS are SNEAKY buggers.
(hnnpffh.. wazzat.. who the hell is at the door.....OMIGOD WHERE THEHELLIS %&%^*.... sneaky buggers they are)
grade schoolers: they don't sleep... they PASS OUT! best to set a scheduled time at night to make sure they are near something soft so as they don't injure themselves when they hit the floor.
parents: sleep whenever we can, creatures of opportunity at this point, drop where we stop.
teenager: this rare breed of creature has no apparent routine, and consumes staggering quantities of carb and sugar laden food, science is not really cerain that they actually sleep at all, best guess is some sort of trance like state, that sereves as sleep.
parent: finally... some real rest... ain't shit gonna wake us up.... well... maybe the house on fire.... MAYBE!
jr is always good for some new saying, usually some mangled old saying that would otherwise be recognizable. the most recent is "a snake bit your eye" translation: (if it was a snake, it would have bit you). of course this one is uttered about 20 times a day, jr recently turned 6 and of course has gained the wisdom of zeuss (and boy howdy don't he just know it too!!)
of course the flip side of his advanced wisdom, are statements that only an olympian mind of his stature could possibly comprehend. example: while on vacation last week, we managed to foist him off on my sister and brother in law (truly, angels in the heavens they are), during the short walk back to the cabin from the river, jr looks at allen (one of the aforementioned angels) and says "you know what uncle allen?" uncle allen says "what".... jr responds ...... "FROGS" and then giggles hysterically.
thats it.. end of conversation
FROGS!
......... frogs?????
huh??? FROGS?????????
i'm freaking stumped.
if any of ya'll get it.. please clue me in, cause this one went right the fuck over me!
and then some days the bear grabs ya flips ya over and shoves yer head in the dirt and...
fill in the rest fer yerself.
off meds again.. our wonderful gub'mint done decided that i dont need help again....
head.. not right.. but not too wrong.
life is a daily struggle, but i'm sloggin thru it...
things
will
get better...
anyway.. been out of town a whole lot lately
i want to relate an episode that happened in washington dc a few weeks back..
look, i don't shake, i don't cut and run... and not much creeps me out...
but this one sent my creep-o-meter to the freaking max...
place: washington dc (dulles hilton) ((2nd day of stampshow))
time: approx 1:30 am
so im sitting at the bar (only freaking place to get food at 1:30 in the morn)
can't sleep, really hungry.
40 ish soccer mom plops down in stool next to me... (actually she sorta LANDED in the stool... think neatly caught pop fly)
now this track suited paragon of volvo driving yuppie hood kinda focuses in the general direction of the bartender and says...... mmppffhhhhandtonichnnnntttt........
both the bartender and i just kinda stare at each other as we attempt to figure out exactly which dialect of klingon this woman is using...
in a moment of clarity i ventur a guess, and attempt to translate for the poor bewildered bartender.... "gin and tonic.. neat"
at which point, soccer mom starigtens up focuses on me and says... yeshhh! thas it! shanks....
120 proof fumes wash over me as i think to myself..... holy crap, put cig out or im gonna do a michael jackson......
smoke stubbed out, flaming hair averted, i attempt to bury myself in my menu and avoid attracting the barfly's attention any more...... too late....
in a shocking burst of lucidity, our heroically drunk soccer mom appears to go stone cold stober as she relates her story of woe...
..... i"i can't believe it" she gasps... "my daughters were riding in the elevator earlier and some old guy got on with them and told them that... little girls shouldnt get on elevators with strange men.. thats how they end up missing"
ok... CREEP-O-METER jumps waaay the hell up.......
the bartender leans in as he has been listening as well (his jaw damn near hits the floor) as he says.. could you repeat that??
of course soccer mom repeats her tale (wheeee .... look at me... arent i interesting) and adds the statement that "now my daughters cant sleep.. they are so scared"
now at this point i am thinking to myself
1. what in the fuck were ya doing letting your 12 yr olds running around at midnight... (you should be fucking slapped)
2. why the hell didnt you call the cops??? (slapped.. see above)
3. why the hell arent you in the room with your kids comforting them, instead of getting drunk and telling the bartender and some stranger abou it (forget slapped... kicked in the crotch is more like it!!!)
then it hits me.... true or not..... drunk ass soccer mom is actually trying to pick me up.. looking for a little sympathy thing....... (OHGODHELLNO)
deep breath....... count to three....... then release!
this old standby for calming yourself, has seen much usage by yours truly, lately.
this past week has been kind of rough on me. as outlined in a previous post, mama went to the hospital for stomach pains, said stomach pains turned out to be LARGE gallstones. well that got her checked in, and set up for surgery to remove the aforementioned gallbladder. not a problem.. routine surgery, right? is ANY surgery truly routine???
well this left me having jr crawling up my ass for every waking moment of the last 6 days... this has been....... challenging (to say the least)
nonetheless, i took things in stride (one of my chiefs told me once... "thou hast not to like it, thou hast to just fucking DO it!")
now the past week has really not been too bad with jr, lots of bonding moments, lots of snuggly moments and these were really not too bad. its the stuff that went through my head that weren't so cool.
to start off i got some fucked up history vis a vis family and hospitals.... namely.. they get checked in.. and they don't fucking check out.... so for me... hospital stays are BAD BAD BAD! so much so, that i can barely stand going to one with the tip of my finger damn near cut off... (seriously, i walked around with SIX broken ribs for nearly a week once.. just to avoid the damn hospital)
so anyway.... inside o my head ='s bad neighborhood!
now what with having to watch jr, one of my primary duties included having to "hold it together" so that a lil bit of my "strength" rubbed of on him...
musta worked good... lil one trooped right thru it.....
i have been operating on 3 hrs of sleep a night or less for the last week (just couldn't shut down my brain) i completed halo3, bioshock, and fable 3 this week (mindless drivel helps to displace evil evil thoughts)
moments like these really bring home how much i love my wife, and how damn much i depend on her...
i swear, at one point this week i took jr in to work with me, and as i was itting there a thought struck me....... "god i hope everything turns out ok..... how in the hell could i tell him, that mommy isn't coming back??????
that thought damn near broke me down.....
so here we are.. momma is home... nothing bad happened... surgery went well.. no complications, home is returning to normal....
NOW i get to fucking break down...
i write as a release... for me it is a way to well.. "make sense of it all"
let me tell ya folks i have been fucking TERRIFIED for the last week.... probably the only thing that scares me worse is the thought of something happening to jr..
it kind of brings into stark relief the nobility of my father...
my twin sister beth, died of heart failure when we were three, shortly thereafter, my mom just nutted out and split... i mean gone baby gone... have only spoken to her once since then, and have never met her personally....
my father not only had to bury his daughter, but soldiered on and raised me single handedly.... this is a strength that i can not even begin to imagine.....
all i can say.. is thank god for my wife.... i would be lost without her...
nuff for now...
do me a fvor will ya.... take a sec and tell yer significant other, girlfriend/boyfriend, hubby/wife.. whatever... how much they truly mean to ya....
