deep breath.... then release!

deep breath.......
count to three.......
then release!

this old standby for calming yourself, has seen much usage by yours truly, lately.

this past week has been kind of rough on me.
as outlined in a previous post, mama went to the hospital for stomach pains, said stomach pains turned out to be LARGE gallstones.
well that got her checked in, and set up for surgery to remove the aforementioned gallbladder.
not a problem.. routine surgery, right? is ANY surgery truly routine???

well this left me having jr crawling up my ass for every waking moment of the last 6 days... this has been....... challenging (to say the least)

nonetheless, i took things in stride (one of my chiefs told me once... "thou hast not to like it, thou hast to just fucking DO it!")

now the past week has really not been too bad with jr, lots of bonding moments, lots of snuggly moments and these were really not too bad.
its the stuff that went through my head that weren't so cool.

to start off i got some fucked up history vis a vis family and hospitals.... namely.. they get checked in.. and they don't fucking check out....
so for me... hospital stays are BAD BAD BAD! so much so, that i can barely stand going to one with the tip of my finger damn near cut off... (seriously, i walked around with SIX broken ribs for nearly a week once.. just to avoid the damn hospital)

so anyway.... inside o my head ='s bad neighborhood!

now what with having to watch jr, one of my primary duties included having to "hold it together" so that a lil bit of my "strength" rubbed of on him...

musta worked good... lil one trooped right thru it.....

i have been operating on 3 hrs of sleep a night or less for the last week (just couldn't shut down my brain) i completed halo3, bioshock, and fable 3 this week (mindless drivel helps to displace evil evil thoughts)

moments like these really bring home how much i love my wife, and how damn much i depend on her...

i swear, at one point this week i took jr in to work with me, and as i was itting there a thought struck me....... "god i hope everything turns out ok..... how in the hell could i tell him, that mommy isn't coming back??????

that thought damn near broke me down.....

so here we are.. momma is home... nothing bad happened... surgery went well.. no complications, home is returning to normal....

NOW i get to fucking break down...

i write as a release... for me it is a way to well.. "make sense of it all"

let me tell ya folks i have been fucking TERRIFIED for the last week.... probably the only thing that scares me worse is the thought of something happening to jr..

it kind of brings into stark relief the nobility of my father...

my twin sister beth, died of heart failure when we were three, shortly thereafter, my mom just nutted out and split... i mean gone baby gone... have only spoken to her once since then, and have never met her personally....

my father not only had to bury his daughter, but soldiered on and raised me single handedly.... this is a strength that i can not even begin to imagine.....

all i can say.. is thank god for my wife....
i would be lost without her...

nuff for now...

do me a fvor will ya.... take a sec and tell yer significant other, girlfriend/boyfriend, hubby/wife.. whatever... how much they truly mean to ya....

peace
-dawg
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