communication error

communication error....

first of let me preface this entry.. it is not a funny entry, and in fact for some folks it may be downright painful.

this is a weB LOG (an online diary) so here i go ....diarizing!

i write as a RELEASE! and if ya cringe at my misspellings and bad grammar.. PISS OFF! i write as it flows out of me, and i feel that going back and correcting is "cheating" and detracts from the honesty.
sometimes when i write it comes across as funny or humorous (so some people say anyhow) and sometimes it is serious.

this i feel is neither... it well.. just is.

i have been experienceing a "communications error" lately, aww frak this sugar coated shite.. I AM BROKEN

i CAN NOT TALK FACE TO FACE with those closest to me.....the only way i can start to figure this crap out is to write.

i am bipolar, or "manic depressive" if you will. and as a rule i tend to stay towards the "manic" end of things, and while it is irritating and not too fun, i can usually deal with things.

being bipolar does not mean i lack willpower or drive or what not, very simply i like many others, was either born with or developed a chemical imbalance in my brain. this imbalance affects different people in different ways, for me it just means i find it exceptionally hard to focus on one thing or find it tough to "shut down" my brain.. end result... ferret on redbull thats been doing crank for a week straight.. frankly this is wher my "humour" comes from (you try it for a month or so, and see if reality don't get a bit strange for you too)...

my "depressive" state.. now that is a completely different animal... a much bigger nastier animal in fact...

in ancient rome as the conquering hero paraded to the forum at the reigns of his chariot, he always had a slave standing behind him holding a laurel wreath (noo not olive as is commonly portrayed) and the slave would whisper into the hero's ear as the crowds cheered his glory.. he would say "remember, thou too, art mortal" (incidentally this is where we get the term "fleeting glory" from, wise buggers those romans were)

my depression is like that slave, except its more like a vicious gorilla throttling me, whilee hissing at me... you are worthless......

this.. is where i have been for a little while now...

NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY OR ADVICE..... DO NOT GIVE EITHER... (guarantee if ya do, i will respond.. and it WILL NOT BE FRIENDLY OR NICE)

THIS
IS
A
RELEASE

ohh yeah.. in my BAD depression spells (like now) i also tend towards the extremely agressively angry side of life

if anything i say strikes a chord in you, and you feel you must respond... post it as a comment, so others can see...maybe YOUR experience can help someone else.. if not

IT
IS
A
RELEASE

anyway...

i make no bones about who i am or what i do, and honestly nor do i give a rats ass what MOST people think ... if ya like me .. kool... if ya think i'm an ass.. well yer right there too...fortunately i tend to be the type of "abrasive personality" that people can tolerate, and frankly because of my "lack o bullshit" a personality that some people value, for the honesty that ensues.

so, yeah
depressed... way the fuck down...
reasons... none really... chemicals in gray mush are screwed again, meds are whacked and need to be adjusted (already in progress).
solution..... working on it... try and not blow up on loved ones.... stay at home and avoid the public...... last time it got this bad, folks got assaulted, and shortly thereafter i crawled under the bed for a week (literally)

i know that there is an end to this, that adjusting the meds WILL work... but it's gonna take a bit, hell it took me a couple o weeks to really see what has been going on...

been locked up inside my own skull for a bit now, and that is a REALLY crappy neighborhood to cruise when i'm like this.
yeah yeah, i know, a little "perspective" might put things in a different light.. but in this mode i could give a fuck less what your perspective is.. i am the one in my skin.. you aren't.

once, long ago, wheni was in a vewry similiar state i actually had a healthcare professional (recent graduate) tell me (in an effort to "help" give me perspective) "think about those poor people on the streets that don't have the opportunities that you have"
my response was pretty simple..... "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND THOSE FUCKERS....if ya feel so much for em.. go fucking fix em ya fucking moron"

yes, i have though about offing myslef..(fleeting idiotic thought....)
yes, i have also thought about voluntarily checking in to a nut ward for a bit...(still mulling that one over)
yes, i feel like crap, and don not want to deal with jack shit right now...

fer chrissakes i threw a goddamn fit over the fucking DISHES being dirty last night..... THE DAMN DISHES...
little crap is what fucks me up... the big shit really is no sweat....
its a "death by a thousand papercuts) sort of thing...
like most folks when large issues arise, i instinctively know how to deal with em.... but the little annoyances, bumps, scrapes and bruises, of daily life.... they add up quick and beat me the fuck down...

(REMEMBER NOTE UP TOP.......NO ADVICE/SYMPATHY)

i am working on it... gonna talk to my shrink tomorrow....(again)

ya know... i feel a bit less crappy...
HAH
it is a release...

btw if ya made it this far, and any of this rings true for you....you are not alone TALK/WRITE about it... just try and get a little bit of that crap outta yer head.. it helps.. trust me.. i know
feel free to drop me a line if ya want

peace
-dawg

the siege has lifted!

so the inlaws have come and gone. this was a truly awesome visit, jr had a blast, momma got to spend some rare f2f time with her mom and sis, and me, well i got a chance to drop a nuke on my sis in laws diet...
heh she'll be cursing me for months after this visit....and her trainer... is gonna freaking love me!

however as is normal in visits of this nature, there were a couple of "land mines" left cheerfully behind. i'm really only gonna discuss one of em...

laura? (my sis in law) did you really consider the ramifications of leaving behind FOUR FUCKING POUNDS of easter candy????

basking in the glow of a great visit, mom and i very obviously took leave of our senses and not only took the mountain of candy "auntie la-la, and gramma" left behind, but added some of our own to the pile.

end result..... 8 DAYS LATER, the siege has finally lifted.

the sad sad shattered corpses of marshmallow peeps, and chocolate bunnies have littered the battleground that we call home, for the last week. and the mutant... oh .....my .......gawd.

chocolate GENOCIDE (oh the humanity of it all)

he single handedly decimated whole populations of various chocolatey creatures, and as the week has drawn out, and the sugar levels have risen to dangerously epic proportions, has become steadily more... well... hyper (go figure.. 4 yr old boy + 5 pounds of pure sugar = BAD IDEA)

sad part is .. we both KNEW this was an incredibly BAD IDEA, but as we are shamelessly indulgent parents, went ahead and did it anyway.

this finally reached its climax late last night...
picture the scene, mom on computer, dad on couch, both furtively looking over shoulder to center of living room.
1dog hiding in corner behind couch, 1 hiding in the kitchen, both furtively looking over shoulder to center of living room.

mutant..... is dancing.... leaping up and down and shrilling out a semblance of a song that some vapid cartoon on tv is blasting out..

dad: SON! STOP JUMPING NOW!!!!

mutant: but dad

dad: NOOOW!

mutant: buuuut DAAAAAAADD!

dad: TOOTHBRUSH, AND TOOTHPASTE its time for you to GO TO BED!

mutant: ........oookkkk...... (goes off to brush his teeth)

mutant: (comes back to living room after brushing teeth, plops down on couch and says) "but dad i'm not tired)

dad: (steps outside to have a smoke.... NOT...GONNA....EXPLODE....) whaaathe hell???

i shit you not 2 minute smokebreak... little sucker is on the couch sprawled out.. freaking snoring!!!


holiday frog silently hops on his way.


i swear.. next time the frog comes by...... FROG LEGS for dinner.


peace
-dawg

oh noes! mah legoz!!!!

so, the in-laws have arrived, and we have survived the first day. actually i jest, it really is great having both my sister in law and my mom in law here (NO i am NOT insane!, just mildly deranged). we only get to see each other every couple of years as they live in strange far gar away places such as "soon to be underwater-land... (california)" and .. "las - you is gonna lose all yer money (vegas)".

the mutant.. normally gregarious and outgoing, was a touch reserved at first.. and then after a quick sizing up of these new strange suckers...er... umm... i mean.. people. at which point he started gablling nonstop, got their attention focused in some other direction, .... and promptly whipped out his mind control gun and nailed em both. and im thinking to myself.... this.... is ... gonna be..... hilarious.

cracker barrel for brkfst.. we get jr grilled cheese and fries (hey... whatever! we go with what works) which.. he flat out ignores and then procedes to beg food off everyone else with the usual results.. mom and i just growl raise our forks threatingly and hiss at him, but apparently the mind control is back in full effect, as his two brand new zombies hand over bits and goodies to him.

-fast forward to WALLY WORLD!

we are here for a couple of last minute fixins needed for moms birthday dinner (crawfish etouffee and stuff) and maybe a bottle of tylenol (nudge nudge, wink wink)
der mutant grabs his slave-beings by the hand and then starts... (i'm not kidding here) giving them a guided tour of the store, all the while heading steadfastly in ONE direction.

LONG
STORY
SHORT

he actually talked BOTH women into each buying him SEPARATE sets of legos...

ya know.... somedays i worry if he will be able to take care of himself as an adult (typical parent worry type thing)

then i see stuff like this.. and realize.. hell noe.. he's all good.
he just tok two normally frugal women and convinced them to empty their pocketbooks.... and holy crap..THEY were smiling afterwards.

he struts away (yes... struts) with a grin on his face and a gleam in his eye that seems to say..
"look out, i'm xavier john and my kung fu is strong.!"

peace
-dawg