Saturday, July 26, 2008

Rengrish (ring-grish) or realtor speak!

Those of you who know me well, realize that i truly love the english language. we in america have been truly blessed with a wonderfully versatile language formed from so many cultures, that provides a wonderfully nuanced and shaded way to describe outr world.

what truly baffles me at times is the sheer ability to actually mangle or outright destroy such a beautiful tool of description.

case in point: Rengrish (english as realtors use it)
i have been in the market to buy a home for the past few months, and have finally realized that while the words and sentences look and sound like common english, they are in fact speaking a completely different language. i might go as far as to suggest that they are more "creative" in their definitions (if your definition of creative is "smashed outta yer gourd on absinthe")

here are a few of the gems i have encountered, and their common english translations, and my take on what they SHOULD have said to be accurate.

"might have a slight leak in the roof"
trans: when it rains you'll be a lot less wet if you just sleep outside
suggestion for ad: "brand new open air skylight and mini swimming pool.... in the master bedroom"

"lower level apartment needs total renovation, and property has wildlife on it"
trans: apartment needs to be condemmned, and the wildlife is currently living IN the apartment.
suggestion for ad. "demolition by nuclear weapon suggested, bring shotgun to fight off the rats"

handyman's special that needs tlc, and would look good with new hardwood floors
trans: watch your step when opening the door, would be nice if it actually had a floor to begin with!
suggestion for ad. "please buy this, and i'll throw in a free trip to scenic afganistan, heck the house there might give you upgrade ideas.... like maybe mud walls"

investment opportunity for a handyman needs some plumbing and electrical updating!
trans: the winos have ripped out and stolen EVERY SCRAP of copper in the place, including the electric meter.
suggestion for ad. "wheee.... wino pee, and bare frame..... "

charming cottage ready for renovation in a up and coming neighborhood
trans: built by drunken blind monkeys, caution neighbors WILL eat your dog
suggestion for ad. "no really... its just a kool aid stain, and please ignore the crime scene tape"

peace
-dawg

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