I realized I have been sadly remiss in actually introducing all of you to the lead characters in this blog about our strange little world. I realize that I have been afflicting all of you with my adult ADD (actually i'm disorganized and just plain lazy) and have left out a significant amount of background, well to rectify this glaring omission I will be doing a short series containing a 10 question and answer session with each of the main dramatis personae of our little drama.
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the mutant
Q: What is your name?
A: xavier john, although I much prefer “he who must be obeyed” aka. Mutant, stinkbutt, or rottenling.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: pizza.... no.. chocolate.... no.. pizza.... wait a sec ..ummm chocolate pizza with cake on top, yeah thats it!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: see this hammer?, see that sleeping dog??.... heh heh watch this!
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: mom.... no questions about it, ... mom,...... unless she's pissed at me , then it would have to be dad.
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: honestly I like everyone... all of you are perfect subjects for my up-coming tyrannical rule.... heh
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: I have been thinking about upgrades lately, I just might start building those laser beam eyeballs.
Q: How old are you?
A: BOW DOWN. IMPUDENT WEASEL!!!! old enough to show YOU who's boss!
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: hammer, sleeping dog, .... muahahahaha that was freaking cool!
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: the hammer factory.......... HERE MOLLIE!!!!
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: WORLD DOMINATION, ... what you dont think I can do it???..... well if george w bush can be president, surely a 3 year old can take over the world... sheesh! I mean seriously the 3yrd old is smarter, not to mention, the 3yr old is potty trained as well !!!
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
Friday, October 19, 2007
who we really are: part 1 "the lump speaketh"
I realized I have been sadly remiss in actually introducing all of you to the lead characters in this blog about our strange little world. I realize that I have been afflicting all of you with my adult ADD (actually i'm disorganized and just plain lazy) and have left out a significant amount of background, well to rectify this glaring omission I will be doing a short series containing a 10 question and answer session with each of the main dramatis personae of our little drama.
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the lump
Q: What is your name?
A: i'm not really sure, I answer to mollie, lazy blue lump, retarded dog, and stinky. So any of those would work for me
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: FOOD??? did you say food? .........uuuummmmmm fooooood!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: hey, could we hurry this up? I'm feeling a bit sleepy.
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: thats kind of hard to say, dad is pretty cool cause he gives me tasty treats. But in all honesty i'd have to say momma cause she is forever dropping tasty tasty crap on the floor (god narcolepsy is great)
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: *&%^%&% little mutant bastard, I swear i'm gonna piss on him while he is sleeping.... and his
$@$#$%$ hammer too.
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: hmmmmm maybe armor-plating would be nice, that crap assed hammer freaking HURTS.
Q: How old are you?
A: what are you retarded? I'm a dog I can't friggin count! Damn old, thats for sure.
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: well there was that one time that momma dropped half a steak.
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: as far-fucking away from that rotten little mutant as possible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: sleep, eat, sleep some more, and revenge. ..... now bugger off I told ya I need a nap
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the lump
Q: What is your name?
A: i'm not really sure, I answer to mollie, lazy blue lump, retarded dog, and stinky. So any of those would work for me
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: FOOD??? did you say food? .........uuuummmmmm fooooood!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: hey, could we hurry this up? I'm feeling a bit sleepy.
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: thats kind of hard to say, dad is pretty cool cause he gives me tasty treats. But in all honesty i'd have to say momma cause she is forever dropping tasty tasty crap on the floor (god narcolepsy is great)
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: *&%^%&% little mutant bastard, I swear i'm gonna piss on him while he is sleeping.... and his
$@$#$%$ hammer too.
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: hmmmmm maybe armor-plating would be nice, that crap assed hammer freaking HURTS.
Q: How old are you?
A: what are you retarded? I'm a dog I can't friggin count! Damn old, thats for sure.
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: well there was that one time that momma dropped half a steak.
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: as far-fucking away from that rotten little mutant as possible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: sleep, eat, sleep some more, and revenge. ..... now bugger off I told ya I need a nap
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
breakfast of champions
i am a guy, and as such tend to do very GUY things, such as miss meals and eat completely innapropriate foods at extremely innappropriate times.
example i belive that a red bull anda slim jim(nacho cheese flavor) is truly the breakfast of champions.
that being said, i really do not understand why the wife gets so bent out of shape when i feed the mutant chunky bars for breakfast. i mean its MILK chocolate peanuts and raisins right? hell its damn near a granola bar right?..... right???...... aww come on people a little help here would be nice!
what i truly did not count on (momentary lapse of reality) was the EFFECT feeding a 3yr old a chunky bar would have on the relative tranquility of our happy ( STRANGE ) home.
honestly, i'm not sure if buying him some crack and maybe a side order of meth would have had any different effect, except he probably would have been calmer on crack!
thanks to my idiocy momma is now wearing a screaming 37 pound flesh colored cape (think monkey up a tree and ya will get some idea).
..... skitter skitter ....THUMP.... yeeeep! heh heh!
aww crap, where did i put my demonology 101 text at??
hmmm sounds like a great time to go out and run around with my buddy (gonna pay BIIIG for this one tonight) escape seems like the only viable option..
peace
-dawg
example i belive that a red bull anda slim jim(nacho cheese flavor) is truly the breakfast of champions.
that being said, i really do not understand why the wife gets so bent out of shape when i feed the mutant chunky bars for breakfast. i mean its MILK chocolate peanuts and raisins right? hell its damn near a granola bar right?..... right???...... aww come on people a little help here would be nice!
what i truly did not count on (momentary lapse of reality) was the EFFECT feeding a 3yr old a chunky bar would have on the relative tranquility of our happy ( STRANGE ) home.
honestly, i'm not sure if buying him some crack and maybe a side order of meth would have had any different effect, except he probably would have been calmer on crack!
thanks to my idiocy momma is now wearing a screaming 37 pound flesh colored cape (think monkey up a tree and ya will get some idea).
..... skitter skitter ....THUMP.... yeeeep! heh heh!
aww crap, where did i put my demonology 101 text at??
hmmm sounds like a great time to go out and run around with my buddy (gonna pay BIIIG for this one tonight) escape seems like the only viable option..
peace
-dawg
Monday, October 15, 2007
this is where the cowboy.....screams like a little girl!
most of ya'll were probably raised on a fairly full diet of westerns and other such cowboy related crap-ola as kids (or maybe i'm just too freaking old).
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
Saturday, September 29, 2007
the itsy bitsy PIE-SIR
...got squished by a book.
sorry for the delay between entries, but what the hell i gotta emerge into real life every now and again. problem is, i kinda got stuck in the real world for a bit.
i was sitting down talking to mama this morning, and we both had an epiphany! the mutant does not in fact actually speak in english at all, rather he has his own language which has some roots in english and some based in god only knows what. (personally i'm leaning towards dolphin or whale)
i am going to share a few choice phrases and words and their suspecetd etymology with you. (E)= english base (?)= unknown base ((probably dolphin)). and their real life usages (irl)
CHOCK-IT (E) chocolate: (irl) hey ya see that plane over there?, ya might wanna CHOCK IT so it don't roll off!
PIE-SER (E) spider: (irl) why yes i would love a piece of PIE sir!
DAG_GUN (E) dragon (irl) that DAG_GUN cat been walking on the hood of my truck again!
JOOSH (E) juice (irl) ((must be waaay drunk)) JOOSH see thee siize of thash chicken!
(the next couple i wont try real life examples as they just dont work to well in print, the really need to be expierenced in their full pitch and volume to be properly appreciated)
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEEEE (?) please stop
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEeeee (?) that was fun, lets do it again!
in all honesty, i occasionally get worried about the mutants verbal skills, i mean there is a neighbor kid who is two, that constantly asks "where da dog" and "where da kid" (of course i personally think that these are the only 2 phrases that kid actually knows).
that worry completely dissappears when he bust's out choice phrases like "HEEEEEYYY lookit the robut bunneeeee, ......... KOOOOL" (this one right after changing my desktop wallpaper to the infamous "rivet crappin rabbit"
well the point is that while he may not use too many recognizable english phrases/words all that often, it is absolutely frightenning how much he understands...(and makes cleaning the house reeaaallll easy, " hey go put your legos up, and bring me my drink"
-peace
sorry for the delay between entries, but what the hell i gotta emerge into real life every now and again. problem is, i kinda got stuck in the real world for a bit.
i was sitting down talking to mama this morning, and we both had an epiphany! the mutant does not in fact actually speak in english at all, rather he has his own language which has some roots in english and some based in god only knows what. (personally i'm leaning towards dolphin or whale)
i am going to share a few choice phrases and words and their suspecetd etymology with you. (E)= english base (?)= unknown base ((probably dolphin)). and their real life usages (irl)
CHOCK-IT (E) chocolate: (irl) hey ya see that plane over there?, ya might wanna CHOCK IT so it don't roll off!
PIE-SER (E) spider: (irl) why yes i would love a piece of PIE sir!
DAG_GUN (E) dragon (irl) that DAG_GUN cat been walking on the hood of my truck again!
JOOSH (E) juice (irl) ((must be waaay drunk)) JOOSH see thee siize of thash chicken!
(the next couple i wont try real life examples as they just dont work to well in print, the really need to be expierenced in their full pitch and volume to be properly appreciated)
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEEEE (?) please stop
EEEEeeeeeeEEeeeEEEeeeeEEeeee (?) that was fun, lets do it again!
in all honesty, i occasionally get worried about the mutants verbal skills, i mean there is a neighbor kid who is two, that constantly asks "where da dog" and "where da kid" (of course i personally think that these are the only 2 phrases that kid actually knows).
that worry completely dissappears when he bust's out choice phrases like "HEEEEEYYY lookit the robut bunneeeee, ......... KOOOOL" (this one right after changing my desktop wallpaper to the infamous "rivet crappin rabbit"
well the point is that while he may not use too many recognizable english phrases/words all that often, it is absolutely frightenning how much he understands...(and makes cleaning the house reeaaallll easy, " hey go put your legos up, and bring me my drink"
-peace
Sunday, August 5, 2007
cracking the code: final:: under new management
thankfully disaster has been completely averted.... thanks to the lumps defection from the mutants army of conquest, i had a chance to save us all...
god i am such a moron, all this time i was thinking it was mental powers the mutant was using. well i seemed to miss the OBVIOUS... remember the remote control??? it seems that it was not a toy car remote, rather it was a UNIVERSAL remote. and sure enought the little booger was using it to control his universe, and mine... and the neighbors...etc.. i'm thinking ya'll get the point.
all this information was passed on by the arch-traitor lump... apparantly the mutant got a little stingy with the snacks, and when the lump was faced with a choice between loyalty to the mutant, or a tasty treat... well her spine snapped and she defected to the side of the good and righteous.
and when i say it snapped, i mean it SNAPPED. i mean one second, she's sitting by the mutants side, and then ....... "CRAAACK" followed by a rather subdued "pop" (the sound of air being displaced by her teleportation) she is 20 feet away , laying on her side with her nose damn near touching her tail and slobbering over the piece of steak i had just dropped on the floor.
and they say red meat is bad for you..... the hell with that.. carnivores rule!!!
anyway, in return for another pice of steak she spilled all.. thus armed with the knowledge so recently aquired, i managed to sneak into the mutants command center (his room) snitched his universal remote and removed the batteries.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
fast forward to the next afternoon.... the mutant walks into the living room, fixes mom and me with a steely glare and says.... bugu pleez!
after about 2 minutes with no response from either one of us, the mutant stalks into his room momentarily and then returns with the remote... BUGU PLEEZ!!!!
the look of consternation plastered on the mutants face turns to a smug grin as i get up from the couch and head towards the kitchen (and incidentally the door closest to the car) while in the kitchen i hear the mutant babbling to the lump in triumph (little knowing of the defection, or that disaster approaches)
i exit the kitchen as greedy little mutant paws claw the air before me in expectation of a whopper jr.... and recieved a pb&j instead!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! the heart rending scream of anguish, that issued from the mutants throat filled me with pure joy in knowing that i had triumphed... with a fierce scowl the mutant threw his remote on the ground (he knew instantly that he had been thwarted and his weapon neutralized) screamed "FINE" and ran wailing back to his room..
no doubt as i write this he is planning some all new plot, but now that we are aware of his capabilities , we shall be vigilant... and if he slips something by us, there is always the turncoat..
"the price of peace is eternal vigilance"
-dawg
god i am such a moron, all this time i was thinking it was mental powers the mutant was using. well i seemed to miss the OBVIOUS... remember the remote control??? it seems that it was not a toy car remote, rather it was a UNIVERSAL remote. and sure enought the little booger was using it to control his universe, and mine... and the neighbors...etc.. i'm thinking ya'll get the point.
all this information was passed on by the arch-traitor lump... apparantly the mutant got a little stingy with the snacks, and when the lump was faced with a choice between loyalty to the mutant, or a tasty treat... well her spine snapped and she defected to the side of the good and righteous.
and when i say it snapped, i mean it SNAPPED. i mean one second, she's sitting by the mutants side, and then ....... "CRAAACK" followed by a rather subdued "pop" (the sound of air being displaced by her teleportation) she is 20 feet away , laying on her side with her nose damn near touching her tail and slobbering over the piece of steak i had just dropped on the floor.
and they say red meat is bad for you..... the hell with that.. carnivores rule!!!
anyway, in return for another pice of steak she spilled all.. thus armed with the knowledge so recently aquired, i managed to sneak into the mutants command center (his room) snitched his universal remote and removed the batteries.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
fast forward to the next afternoon.... the mutant walks into the living room, fixes mom and me with a steely glare and says.... bugu pleez!
after about 2 minutes with no response from either one of us, the mutant stalks into his room momentarily and then returns with the remote... BUGU PLEEZ!!!!
the look of consternation plastered on the mutants face turns to a smug grin as i get up from the couch and head towards the kitchen (and incidentally the door closest to the car) while in the kitchen i hear the mutant babbling to the lump in triumph (little knowing of the defection, or that disaster approaches)
i exit the kitchen as greedy little mutant paws claw the air before me in expectation of a whopper jr.... and recieved a pb&j instead!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! the heart rending scream of anguish, that issued from the mutants throat filled me with pure joy in knowing that i had triumphed... with a fierce scowl the mutant threw his remote on the ground (he knew instantly that he had been thwarted and his weapon neutralized) screamed "FINE" and ran wailing back to his room..
no doubt as i write this he is planning some all new plot, but now that we are aware of his capabilities , we shall be vigilant... and if he slips something by us, there is always the turncoat..
"the price of peace is eternal vigilance"
-dawg
Thursday, July 26, 2007
cracking the code: part three (resistance!!)
now that we know that ANYONE might be one of the mutants zombie victims, i think now might be time to give a few tips on how to resist the insidious powers of the mutant..
1. when the mutant (or a zombie victim) ask for coke or candy, quickly hand them juice and cheese crackers (this seems to confuse and weaken him/them) ...if he/they starts to make piercing whinig noises.. rejoice you are RESISTING the domination.
2. when he/they become stubborn and refuse to complete a set task, quickly 9877^&$%^%%^........................ try ^$&&^$&()5646756..........................
the mewtent iiissss gooooood.....
........ohhhh lord the pain.......
the mewtant iissssssss yuuuurr frennndddd!!!
.......
...
.............................. fleee while you still can...^&$* rghhhhh.....
yooo wiiilllll ooooobbbeyy theee mewtant
1. when the mutant (or a zombie victim) ask for coke or candy, quickly hand them juice and cheese crackers (this seems to confuse and weaken him/them) ...if he/they starts to make piercing whinig noises.. rejoice you are RESISTING the domination.
2. when he/they become stubborn and refuse to complete a set task, quickly 9877^&$%^%%^........................ try ^$&&^$&()5646756..........................
the mewtent iiissss gooooood.....
........ohhhh lord the pain.......
the mewtant iissssssss yuuuurr frennndddd!!!
.......
...
.............................. fleee while you still can...^&$* rghhhhh.....
yooo wiiilllll ooooobbbeyy theee mewtant
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