dawgs guide to what people really mean when they say...

ok folks this post has been rattling around in my head for quite some time, and will probably be published in multiple parts.

how many times have you been talking to someone and they have said something and apparently meant something completely different from what actually came out of their mouths?

well this is my guide to what folks really mean!

DAWGS GUIDE TO WHAT FOLKS TRULY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY......

CHAPTER 1

WIVES, HUBBIES, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS:

says: when you get time would you......

means: DO this NOW!!!

says: ohh there's no rush, take your time....

means: aren't you done yet????

says: we've got PLENTY of time.

means: it doesn't matter anymore cause we are already late....

says: no, i'm not blaming you, i am just saying....

means: YES it is YOUR FAULT

says: does this make me look fat....

means: i really want to pick a fight with somebody... and guess what YOU'RE IT!

says: how do i look....

means: (see above, and add) so you want to sleep outside for the next week huh?

says: ohh, it's ok honey....

means: HELL NO, you just fucked up, and boy howdy ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR IT!

says: can you watch the kids for a few while i look something up on the net...

means: LATER SUCKER, it's raid time!!!!

says: does it seem like the computer is running slow lately....

means: are you EVER going to upgrade this piece o shit????

says: heeey... that (insert random merchandise item here) looks kinda neat...

means: can i have that???

says: did you feed the boy.....

means: get off your lazy ass and feed the damn kid, his whining is pissin me off.

says: have you taken the dog outside lately....

means: TAKE THE FUCKING DOG OUT NOW!!! i just stepped in another puddle o piss dammit.

says: i hope you didnt want any more (insert random food/drink item here)

means: i just ate the last fucking one, what do you think yer gonna do about it huh???

says: i hate to bother you, but would you...

means: don't care what yer doing, snap to ya lazy bastard.

says: i'm going to shoneys with my sponsor, would ya watch the kids....

means: thanks hun, see ya tomorrow night!!

says: i need a meeting

means: fuck off, i'm ready to kill shit!

says: sorry, i didn't mean to....

means: HOW YA LIKE IT NOW THE SHOES ON THE OTHER FOOT FUCKER!!!

says: i loooove you....

means: i fucked up, please ignore it though.

says: i can't live without you...

means: remember that new car we used to have???

says: how much money is left in the account.....

means: well, there was this dress, and it was ON SALE!!!!!

nuff fer now, next time will be kids and pets.

vade in pace

-dawg

santa clause is coming to town (and im waiting with a shotgun)

Santa is coming to town!

and i swear to god im gonna blow that fucker away... and his reindeer too!.... heeeyyy now thats a great idea... reindeer is pretty tasty! (wonder how much a pound i can get for em.

ok ok, i'm sure you probably think im the grinch, right? well i am not, just let me explain.

for many years (all my damn life) i have striven to be a "manly" man, and well i have been successful so far.. hell i like fast cars, violent movies and big ole boobs... can't get much manlier than that can ya.

even through two marriages even my house has managed to stay decidedly (non-frilly) ya gotta understand.. i don't do froo-froo!

well baby GRRRR (laura beth) just turned one last week, and i realized that the freaking jolly fat man (santa) will in addition to bringing suitably many toys for jr, be bringing ..... UUGGGHHH... dolly's and... AAAACCCCKKKKK...... barbies for the GRRRR..... OHH HELL NO!

it may not be this year, but it will be soon.....

thusly....

THE FAT MAN HAS GOTTA DIE!!!

give me a buzz if ya see his jolly ass comin down the road.... or better yet.. i'll pay a bounty for his ass..... oh and an extra 20 is in it if ya bring me a "red nose" from that visually challenged reindeer.

vade in pace.

-dawg

sleep..need sleeeeeeeep!!!

well it's been a bit since my last post.. too long i know.

quick recap:

baby girl born on oct 21st

name: laura beth

nickname: stinkbutt (?? have you ever smelled baby farts?????)

weight/length at birth (big/long)

current status; sleeping (thank god)

** new masthead with updated pics coming soon **

needless to say things have been a jus a tiny bit hectic round here. (tiny bit... yeah right.. freaking insane is more like it)

having an infant in the house is a life changing experience (and not always the aww so cute, rip your heart out type)

think more like mind numbing zombification type life changing.

just a quick observance before i do what i should be doing (racing for the bed like the hounds of the dammned are after me)

the stages of early childhood are actually very easy to recognize as they change, leastways in hindsight, and with a touch of experience, they can be quantified by the type of sleep the parent and child gets at each stage.

newborn: sleeps like the dead for extended periods of time (think hibernation)

parent: sleep??? what the hell is that, who gets any for the first week??

infant: sleeps for random periods with no discernable pattern

parent: see above usually in sync with infant (results in neurotic zombie like state)

** special warning, parents at this stage are VERY susceptible to suggestion** ( jr actually talked us into getting him a FISH the other day.. this is how suggestible your frapped out brain can become.... hell this kid used to hit the dog in the head with a hammer.. and we got him a poor defenseless fish???)

toddler: sleep patterns regulate to whatever the hell th child wants, but can usually stretch for 6-7 hours of hibernation at a time (safety note: keep food handy for waking from hibernation.. hungry toddlers would kick the crap out of a hungry bear and are fricking meaner than wolverine with hemmorhoids)

parent: sleeps in time with child, but with one eye/ear open... TODDLERS are SNEAKY buggers.

(hnnpffh.. wazzat.. who the hell is at the door.....OMIGOD WHERE THEHELLIS %&%^*.... sneaky buggers they are)

grade schoolers: they don't sleep... they PASS OUT! best to set a scheduled time at night to make sure they are near something soft so as they don't injure themselves when they hit the floor.

parents: sleep whenever we can, creatures of opportunity at this point, drop where we stop.

teenager: this rare breed of creature has no apparent routine, and consumes staggering quantities of carb and sugar laden food, science is not really cerain that they actually sleep at all, best guess is some sort of trance like state, that sereves as sleep.

parent: finally... some real rest... ain't shit gonna wake us up.... well... maybe the house on fire.... MAYBE!

peace

-dawg

i am sooo doomed!!!

well, the news is in!

in approximately 8 years i will have to start showering in the backyard.

the new addition is going to be a girl!!!

why 8 years you ask.. well

in 8 years.. my daughter will be... 8 (duuuh!!!)

the mutant will be 14 (teeeeeeenager)

momma is going to be...... (hell no i ain't gonna tel you.. think i want to be castrated too??)

teenage boy + 2 women in the house = no more bathroom time for dad!

you know, the thought of having a daughter is actually pretty terrifying. there are so so many ways i can fuck this up, its not like a boy ya know.

here is a short list that might put that statement into perspective.

boys: (my natural inclinations)

1: blowing up gi joes in the front yard is a bonding experience! (kooool .. his head hit the roof)

2: farts are mutual expressions of endearment. (like a stinky, loud man-hug)

3: bugs are awesome!! (except those rotten ole spiders... blecch!)

4: dog kisses are magic! (seriously they do help scrapes scab quicker)

5: walk it off.. its just a missing toe. (just kidding, jr is freaking tough though)

6: sure you can hang out in your underwear. (hell i just got tired of fighting it!!)

7: gross things are pretty kool! (well??? they are!!!!)

girls: (where my natural inclinations get expensive)

1: setting barbies on fire is bad. (future therapist bills)

2: farts are icky. (daddy.. you are a gross animal)

3: bugs, belong outside, far far away. (preferably squished flat)

4: dog kisses are sliiimy! (ewwwww grosss!)

5: a boo boo rates a pink bunny band aid. (i am soooo fucked!)

6: walking around in underwear is not tolerated. (therapy... see above)

7: god dad, whay do you have to watch that icky stuff?? (did i mention... therapy?)

like i said.... doomed!

peace

-dawg

a snake bit your eye!

jr is always good for some new saying, usually some mangled old saying that would otherwise be recognizable. the most recent is "a snake bit your eye" translation: (if it was a snake, it would have bit you). of course this one is uttered about 20 times a day, jr recently turned 6 and of course has gained the wisdom of zeuss (and boy howdy don't he just know it too!!)

of course the flip side of his advanced wisdom, are statements that only an olympian mind of his stature could possibly comprehend. example: while on vacation last week, we managed to foist him off on my sister and brother in law (truly, angels in the heavens they are), during the short walk back to the cabin from the river, jr looks at allen (one of the aforementioned angels) and says "you know what uncle allen?" uncle allen says "what".... jr responds ...... "FROGS" and then giggles hysterically.

thats it.. end of conversation

FROGS!

......... frogs?????

huh??? FROGS?????????

i'm freaking stumped.

if any of ya'll get it.. please clue me in, cause this one went right the fuck over me!

peace

-dawg

bad dawg..... no biscuit!

sorry i haven't written in a long ass time.. but what the hey, ya know i'm lazy!

quick dump:

1. busy as hell since my last post.

2. seems like i jump from one crisis to another, lately.

3. jr turned 6.

4. new addition to the family.. coming soon-ish!

5. first vacation in like for-fucking-ever!

6. remodel house coming soon-ish (see number 4 above)

7. shoulder messed up .. yet again

summary.... life goes on..

creep-o-meter.... maxed out!

sorry i haven't written in a while (shame on me)

life.. has been... well.... busy

some days ya get the bear,

and then some days the bear grabs ya flips ya over and shoves yer head in the dirt and...

fill in the rest fer yerself.

off meds again.. our wonderful gub'mint done decided that i dont need help again....

head.. not right.. but not too wrong.

life is a daily struggle, but i'm sloggin thru it...

things

will

get better...

anyway.. been out of town a whole lot lately

i want to relate an episode that happened in washington dc a few weeks back..

look, i don't shake, i don't cut and run... and not much creeps me out...

but this one sent my creep-o-meter to the freaking max...

place: washington dc (dulles hilton) ((2nd day of stampshow))

time: approx 1:30 am

so im sitting at the bar (only freaking place to get food at 1:30 in the morn)

can't sleep, really hungry.

40 ish soccer mom plops down in stool next to me... (actually she sorta LANDED in the stool... think neatly caught pop fly)

now this track suited paragon of volvo driving yuppie hood kinda focuses in the general direction of the bartender and says...... mmppffhhhhandtonichnnnntttt........

both the bartender and i just kinda stare at each other as we attempt to figure out exactly which dialect of klingon this woman is using...

in a moment of clarity i ventur a guess, and attempt to translate for the poor bewildered bartender.... "gin and tonic.. neat"

at which point, soccer mom starigtens up focuses on me and says... yeshhh! thas it! shanks....

120 proof fumes wash over me as i think to myself..... holy crap, put cig out or im gonna do a michael jackson......

smoke stubbed out, flaming hair averted, i attempt to bury myself in my menu and avoid attracting the barfly's attention any more...... too late....

in a shocking burst of lucidity, our heroically drunk soccer mom appears to go stone cold stober as she relates her story of woe...

..... i"i can't believe it" she gasps... "my daughters were riding in the elevator earlier and some old guy got on with them and told them that... little girls shouldnt get on elevators with strange men.. thats how they end up missing"

ok... CREEP-O-METER jumps waaay the hell up.......

the bartender leans in as he has been listening as well (his jaw damn near hits the floor) as he says.. could you repeat that??

of course soccer mom repeats her tale (wheeee .... look at me... arent i interesting) and adds the statement that "now my daughters cant sleep.. they are so scared"

now at this point i am thinking to myself

1. what in the fuck were ya doing letting your 12 yr olds running around at midnight... (you should be fucking slapped)

2. why the hell didnt you call the cops??? (slapped.. see above)

3. why the hell arent you in the room with your kids comforting them, instead of getting drunk and telling the bartender and some stranger abou it (forget slapped... kicked in the crotch is more like it!!!)

then it hits me.... true or not..... drunk ass soccer mom is actually trying to pick me up.. looking for a little sympathy thing....... (OHGODHELLNO)

CREEP-O-METER POPS OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS....!

ya know... i'm not that hungry....after all...

god help me .. i cant make this shit up

-dawg