i recently checked out a website that purports yo calculate your "REAL AGE" based upon your actual chronological age and then modofied by varying factors in your life such as health environment stress... etc...
my actual age 35.2
according to them 46.7
now i did this test twice and ommitted certain stress and environmental factors (the mutant factor)
and i got this result age = 35.5!!!
apparently for each year jr has been alive i have aged an extra 2 years at the same time..
somehow, that seems really really plausible.
now if this whole thing is true and dog years equal 7 years per human year, the lump should be 49 years old,, but factoring in the 3 for one deal over the last three years she is ACTUALLY 91 years old. (that really explaind why she can't hear shit, and lays broccoli farts down on a regular basis)
just thought ya'll might find that funny....... according to those folks, i'll probably survive just long enought to put jr through college (after which i will be of no further use anyhow) and the poor damn dog......... welll she should last another week or two.
peace
-dawg
Sunday, January 13, 2008
New years resolution
it seems that i, like millions of others decide that at the beginning of each new year to set laudable yet often lofty goals to live by for the coming year.
in the past i have tried many different masochistic goals, such as
"to quit smoking and take up squirrel hunting instead" (lasted exactly 5 days, and all i manged to do was decimate the seed-stealing lawn rat population for the surrounding 3 counties"
"give up caffeine" (i don't even want to speak of this one..... ultimate idiocy)
"exercise more" (does switching to a trackball from a mouse count??)
"eat healthier" (well i kinda did this one..... i now deep fry my cheesecake in peanut oil)
"spend more time with the wife" ( bought her a computer and got HER hooked on ddo)
sooooo... THIS year i wanted to try something a bit more achievable...
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION 2008. "to procrastinate more"
hmmm 12 days late on a new years post....... looks like this one will work out just fine!
peace
-dawg
in the past i have tried many different masochistic goals, such as
"to quit smoking and take up squirrel hunting instead" (lasted exactly 5 days, and all i manged to do was decimate the seed-stealing lawn rat population for the surrounding 3 counties"
"give up caffeine" (i don't even want to speak of this one..... ultimate idiocy)
"exercise more" (does switching to a trackball from a mouse count??)
"eat healthier" (well i kinda did this one..... i now deep fry my cheesecake in peanut oil)
"spend more time with the wife" ( bought her a computer and got HER hooked on ddo)
sooooo... THIS year i wanted to try something a bit more achievable...
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION 2008. "to procrastinate more"
hmmm 12 days late on a new years post....... looks like this one will work out just fine!
peace
-dawg
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Gelflings, dump trucks, and the holiday frog
well it's christmas morning the holiday frog has hopped into the house, and the living room looks as if it has suffered an aerial bombardment (think small nuclear detonation). it truly is amazing how christmas gifts and their wrapping can be separated into their constituent pieces in such a small amount of time.
late last night after the mutant went to bed, santa delivered a veritable avalanche of stuff for him. of course santa's #1 helper (dad) lent a hand with the "some assembly required" (what the hell do i do with the extra pieces anyway?) presents. some time in the early hours of christmas morning, daddy finally finished assembling jr's treasure trove of toys (and then scooped the aforementioned extras into a box) and promptly shuffled off to bed, to pass out for a couple of hours.
"truck....TRUCK..... TTTRRRRRUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!.............................ooooooohhhh legos!...........LLLLEEEEGGGGOOOOSSSSS!!!!" the screech startled me awake so violently, that in my rush to take a deep breath i damn near swallowed my pillow. ahhhh the joy of watching a 3 1/2 yr old discovering christmas.. then over the next 2 hours (painful, joy filled, bewildering, and slightly hallucinogenic hours) jr unwrapped sampled, played with, and then destroyed all manner of legos, dumptrucks, video games, books, clothes and wrapping paper.
now i am left staring at a play table covered with the sad remains of many wrecked lego vehicles and buildings (looks a little bit like baghdad) mounds of wrapping papers and candy wrappers...
...ohh yeah... the HOLIDAY FROG, dang forgot all about him... the holiday frog is a new family tradition, he appears only at certain holidays such as easter, christmas and halloween (the ones sponsored byt the chocolate conglomerates of course). he comes bearing a carefully chosen mix of treats for the boy ( heeeeeyyyy look! the chocolate pumpkins are 90% off and they only expired yesterday....) once the frog has been stripped of his treats (and what little dignity he once had) he goes into hiding (recovery) for another few months.
i would like to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a happy new year.
a special thanks to: auntie lala, unka steve, santa, gamma, mom, and auntie kate. xavier had a blast and enjoyed the many presents and blessing heaped upon him.
p.s. a very special thanks to the HOLIDAY FROG, .... may therapy heal your pyschological trauma.
-peace to all
dawg
merry christmas, to all.
late last night after the mutant went to bed, santa delivered a veritable avalanche of stuff for him. of course santa's #1 helper (dad) lent a hand with the "some assembly required" (what the hell do i do with the extra pieces anyway?) presents. some time in the early hours of christmas morning, daddy finally finished assembling jr's treasure trove of toys (and then scooped the aforementioned extras into a box) and promptly shuffled off to bed, to pass out for a couple of hours.
"truck....TRUCK..... TTTRRRRRUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!.............................ooooooohhhh legos!...........LLLLEEEEGGGGOOOOSSSSS!!!!" the screech startled me awake so violently, that in my rush to take a deep breath i damn near swallowed my pillow. ahhhh the joy of watching a 3 1/2 yr old discovering christmas.. then over the next 2 hours (painful, joy filled, bewildering, and slightly hallucinogenic hours) jr unwrapped sampled, played with, and then destroyed all manner of legos, dumptrucks, video games, books, clothes and wrapping paper.
now i am left staring at a play table covered with the sad remains of many wrecked lego vehicles and buildings (looks a little bit like baghdad) mounds of wrapping papers and candy wrappers...
...ohh yeah... the HOLIDAY FROG, dang forgot all about him... the holiday frog is a new family tradition, he appears only at certain holidays such as easter, christmas and halloween (the ones sponsored byt the chocolate conglomerates of course). he comes bearing a carefully chosen mix of treats for the boy ( heeeeeyyyy look! the chocolate pumpkins are 90% off and they only expired yesterday....) once the frog has been stripped of his treats (and what little dignity he once had) he goes into hiding (recovery) for another few months.
i would like to wish everyone a very merry christmas, and a happy new year.
a special thanks to: auntie lala, unka steve, santa, gamma, mom, and auntie kate. xavier had a blast and enjoyed the many presents and blessing heaped upon him.
p.s. a very special thanks to the HOLIDAY FROG, .... may therapy heal your pyschological trauma.
-peace to all
dawg
merry christmas, to all.
Friday, October 19, 2007
who we really are: part 2 "mutant musings"
I realized I have been sadly remiss in actually introducing all of you to the lead characters in this blog about our strange little world. I realize that I have been afflicting all of you with my adult ADD (actually i'm disorganized and just plain lazy) and have left out a significant amount of background, well to rectify this glaring omission I will be doing a short series containing a 10 question and answer session with each of the main dramatis personae of our little drama.
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the mutant
Q: What is your name?
A: xavier john, although I much prefer “he who must be obeyed” aka. Mutant, stinkbutt, or rottenling.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: pizza.... no.. chocolate.... no.. pizza.... wait a sec ..ummm chocolate pizza with cake on top, yeah thats it!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: see this hammer?, see that sleeping dog??.... heh heh watch this!
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: mom.... no questions about it, ... mom,...... unless she's pissed at me , then it would have to be dad.
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: honestly I like everyone... all of you are perfect subjects for my up-coming tyrannical rule.... heh
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: I have been thinking about upgrades lately, I just might start building those laser beam eyeballs.
Q: How old are you?
A: BOW DOWN. IMPUDENT WEASEL!!!! old enough to show YOU who's boss!
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: hammer, sleeping dog, .... muahahahaha that was freaking cool!
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: the hammer factory.......... HERE MOLLIE!!!!
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: WORLD DOMINATION, ... what you dont think I can do it???..... well if george w bush can be president, surely a 3 year old can take over the world... sheesh! I mean seriously the 3yrd old is smarter, not to mention, the 3yr old is potty trained as well !!!
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the mutant
Q: What is your name?
A: xavier john, although I much prefer “he who must be obeyed” aka. Mutant, stinkbutt, or rottenling.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: pizza.... no.. chocolate.... no.. pizza.... wait a sec ..ummm chocolate pizza with cake on top, yeah thats it!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: see this hammer?, see that sleeping dog??.... heh heh watch this!
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: mom.... no questions about it, ... mom,...... unless she's pissed at me , then it would have to be dad.
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: honestly I like everyone... all of you are perfect subjects for my up-coming tyrannical rule.... heh
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: I have been thinking about upgrades lately, I just might start building those laser beam eyeballs.
Q: How old are you?
A: BOW DOWN. IMPUDENT WEASEL!!!! old enough to show YOU who's boss!
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: hammer, sleeping dog, .... muahahahaha that was freaking cool!
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: the hammer factory.......... HERE MOLLIE!!!!
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: WORLD DOMINATION, ... what you dont think I can do it???..... well if george w bush can be president, surely a 3 year old can take over the world... sheesh! I mean seriously the 3yrd old is smarter, not to mention, the 3yr old is potty trained as well !!!
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
who we really are: part 1 "the lump speaketh"
I realized I have been sadly remiss in actually introducing all of you to the lead characters in this blog about our strange little world. I realize that I have been afflicting all of you with my adult ADD (actually i'm disorganized and just plain lazy) and have left out a significant amount of background, well to rectify this glaring omission I will be doing a short series containing a 10 question and answer session with each of the main dramatis personae of our little drama.
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the lump
Q: What is your name?
A: i'm not really sure, I answer to mollie, lazy blue lump, retarded dog, and stinky. So any of those would work for me
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: FOOD??? did you say food? .........uuuummmmmm fooooood!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: hey, could we hurry this up? I'm feeling a bit sleepy.
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: thats kind of hard to say, dad is pretty cool cause he gives me tasty treats. But in all honesty i'd have to say momma cause she is forever dropping tasty tasty crap on the floor (god narcolepsy is great)
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: *&%^%&% little mutant bastard, I swear i'm gonna piss on him while he is sleeping.... and his
$@$#$%$ hammer too.
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: hmmmmm maybe armor-plating would be nice, that crap assed hammer freaking HURTS.
Q: How old are you?
A: what are you retarded? I'm a dog I can't friggin count! Damn old, thats for sure.
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: well there was that one time that momma dropped half a steak.
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: as far-fucking away from that rotten little mutant as possible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: sleep, eat, sleep some more, and revenge. ..... now bugger off I told ya I need a nap
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
So with no further ado at all....
10 questions with the lump
Q: What is your name?
A: i'm not really sure, I answer to mollie, lazy blue lump, retarded dog, and stinky. So any of those would work for me
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: FOOD??? did you say food? .........uuuummmmmm fooooood!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: hey, could we hurry this up? I'm feeling a bit sleepy.
Q: Who is your favorite person?
A: thats kind of hard to say, dad is pretty cool cause he gives me tasty treats. But in all honesty i'd have to say momma cause she is forever dropping tasty tasty crap on the floor (god narcolepsy is great)
Q: Who is your least favorite person?
A: *&%^%&% little mutant bastard, I swear i'm gonna piss on him while he is sleeping.... and his
$@$#$%$ hammer too.
Q: What would you change about yourself if you could change anything at all?
A: hmmmmm maybe armor-plating would be nice, that crap assed hammer freaking HURTS.
Q: How old are you?
A: what are you retarded? I'm a dog I can't friggin count! Damn old, thats for sure.
Q: What is your favorite memory?
A: well there was that one time that momma dropped half a steak.
Q: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would that be?
A: as far-fucking away from that rotten little mutant as possible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: sleep, eat, sleep some more, and revenge. ..... now bugger off I told ya I need a nap
p.s. If you have any questions YOU would like to ask (we might answer them, then again we might send you hate mail instead) post said questions in the comments section. We will answer them in a timely fashion. (whenever we feel like it, like maybe sometime this century)
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
breakfast of champions
i am a guy, and as such tend to do very GUY things, such as miss meals and eat completely innapropriate foods at extremely innappropriate times.
example i belive that a red bull anda slim jim(nacho cheese flavor) is truly the breakfast of champions.
that being said, i really do not understand why the wife gets so bent out of shape when i feed the mutant chunky bars for breakfast. i mean its MILK chocolate peanuts and raisins right? hell its damn near a granola bar right?..... right???...... aww come on people a little help here would be nice!
what i truly did not count on (momentary lapse of reality) was the EFFECT feeding a 3yr old a chunky bar would have on the relative tranquility of our happy ( STRANGE ) home.
honestly, i'm not sure if buying him some crack and maybe a side order of meth would have had any different effect, except he probably would have been calmer on crack!
thanks to my idiocy momma is now wearing a screaming 37 pound flesh colored cape (think monkey up a tree and ya will get some idea).
..... skitter skitter ....THUMP.... yeeeep! heh heh!
aww crap, where did i put my demonology 101 text at??
hmmm sounds like a great time to go out and run around with my buddy (gonna pay BIIIG for this one tonight) escape seems like the only viable option..
peace
-dawg
example i belive that a red bull anda slim jim(nacho cheese flavor) is truly the breakfast of champions.
that being said, i really do not understand why the wife gets so bent out of shape when i feed the mutant chunky bars for breakfast. i mean its MILK chocolate peanuts and raisins right? hell its damn near a granola bar right?..... right???...... aww come on people a little help here would be nice!
what i truly did not count on (momentary lapse of reality) was the EFFECT feeding a 3yr old a chunky bar would have on the relative tranquility of our happy ( STRANGE ) home.
honestly, i'm not sure if buying him some crack and maybe a side order of meth would have had any different effect, except he probably would have been calmer on crack!
thanks to my idiocy momma is now wearing a screaming 37 pound flesh colored cape (think monkey up a tree and ya will get some idea).
..... skitter skitter ....THUMP.... yeeeep! heh heh!
aww crap, where did i put my demonology 101 text at??
hmmm sounds like a great time to go out and run around with my buddy (gonna pay BIIIG for this one tonight) escape seems like the only viable option..
peace
-dawg
Monday, October 15, 2007
this is where the cowboy.....screams like a little girl!
most of ya'll were probably raised on a fairly full diet of westerns and other such cowboy related crap-ola as kids (or maybe i'm just too freaking old).
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
the one thing i remember from all of those old movies was the white hat wearing hero mounted so majestically upon his noble steed, and ohh how i was struck with awe at this paragon of western justice. UNTIL... the hero dismounts and starts to walk towards the nearest bar, whereupon he adopts that peculiar cowboy gait that could best be described as "ohmygod my ass is so chafed i look like a duck that has a pineapple jammed up its ass!
i mean seriously this is supposed to be my hero???? poor bastard looks like he just lost a battle with a seriously pissed proctologist...
you might be wondering "where in the hell is this going??"
well i'll tell ya!
jr has been having issues with some wet POOP action lately, and by wet we are talkin mississippi mud here folks...
with the net result that he has gotten a little red and raw... well maybe thats an understatement.. the little bugger is so freaking torn up, that despite the application of enough a&d ointement to lube up a jumbo jet, he is currently walking around the living room doing the most ab-so-fuckin-lutely genuine cowboy impression i do not know wheter to laug or cry (actually i laughed so hard i cried).
at which point junior fixes me with a baleful glare and proceeds to stroll/waddle/meander to his room all the while muttering a non-stop litany of grief at me.
does that make me a bad daddy??
well if so....... yippe-o-kiy-aa!!!!
peace
-dawg
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