Sunday, November 13, 2016

ptsd is a sneaky ass mofo.....
gonna share a little something with all of you,....my brothers and sisters....
first off im doing better now...my headspace and timing are back in spec....... i talked to a friend and worked some shit out.. ..
i have ptsd....
some days just..... welll ......are
some days suck
some days are the suck
some days are freaking hellish
... and some days i get a reprieve
and even rarer i have awesome days...
and then some days ... well they just ...get strange
(some of this is metaphor...)
today was one of those reprieve days...almost to good.. actually... then as im walking along i step on a MIND grenade.. all of a sudden there i am.
laying on my back staring up at the sky... ears ringing, throat dry... the sun is too damn bright...why do i have a headache.... and i just dont know where im at, or how the f i got here.
this is ptsd... this is my life....some days it all comes off the rails...no reason... no real big thing happens... the little shi... sometimes it just goes sideways....
i have heard folks say they dont believe ptsd exixts.... to ya'll SUCK IT!!!!
to those who live with someone that has ptsd.... god bless you for your patience and caring.... you are the light that we desparately cling to.....
to my brothers and sisters with ptsd.... god i love yall so much... i just dont know how to say it.... but when i call you you are there,,, thank god for your understanding, and quiet support....
to those of you who just dont understand or dont have ptsd in your life.... please be patient with us.... we are not damaged irreparably .... just bent and bruised.... we struggle and get better....
to all of you that help.... thank you for caring... thank you for hope.... thank you for being there.
this is small bit of my view of ptsd and a glimpse into my mind...
bent....... not.... broken
vade in pace -dawg
(go in peace)
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Saturday, December 24, 2011

the mutant night before christmas

twas the night before christmas
and all through the house
every creature was stirring, even the damn mice
the stockings with runs were truly threadbare
in the hopes that the fat man wouldn't pass out in the chair
the children were wrestling, and bonking their heads
whilst sugar and sweetners turned their eyes flaming red
mamma in her nightie and me in my shorts
had cracked the jim beam and had a few snorts
when out on the porch there came a mighty yell
i leapt from my lazy boy and screamed what the hell
raced cross the room and grabbed my trusty gun
peeked through the blinds and prepared to have some fun
but what to my drunken eyes should appear
but a tiny ass sleigh and eight fucked up deer
the big ole driver, wobbled over then he paused
holy hell, its that fat bastard the drunken santa claus..........


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Friday, November 4, 2011

i have arrived!... wait i never knew i departed???

i have arrived...... wait a sec.. don't you have to depart to actually arrive?? i never knew i even departed.

traditionally you have "arrived" when you achive the "great american dream" .. you know.. white picket fence, little house 2.5 kids + assorted critters. leastways that is what the old school conventional wisdom says.

i, like many others find that many of my "goals" or "standards" of sucess are heavily influenced by the opinions of those around us. anyway that has been what i lived for many years.

today this is much less true than it has been in the past, truthfully i still bow to the influence of others to some small extent. but more often than not my measure of sucess.. and thusly contentment is determined by myself, and no one else.

a lot of people chase the "big questions" in life such as " why are we here" or "is there a greater purpose to my life"
i submit, that it is not in fact the "big" questions that truly fulfill us, rather it is the "smaller" questions that illustrate the truth of our lives.

for those of you who don't know, i am a recovering addict (just celebrated 21 yrs continous sobriety), and as with many addicts have led a life long search for "something better", something of "greater meaning". but most of all i have been desparately searching....
today i find i am at peace..... a soul deep peace, literally as if my very essence is wrapped in a dryer freshly warmed giant blue terrycloth towel (think swaddled).

i have learned to STOP and look at my surroundings, and while there are a few things i might DESIRE, everything i NEED is right here around me.

all the crap in my past.. both good and bad.. the sum total of my experiences to date make up who i am today... and here is the key folks.... TODAY i like me.... i am happy being me..... for the first time in my life i am truly comfortable in my own skin...

it's kinda sad in a way... it has taken me 37 years to become an infant again...
hah!

take a hard look at your life and ask yourself, if you have truly discovered the freedom of just being .. you..... if not.. then depart... take a trip.. find yourself, then come back, and you too will have arrived.

vade in pace
-dawg
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Sunday, October 30, 2011

dawgs guide to what people really mean when they say...

ok folks this post has been rattling around in my head for quite some time, and will probably be published in multiple parts.

how many times have you been talking to someone and they have said something and apparently meant something completely different from what actually came out of their mouths?

well this is my guide to what folks really mean!

DAWGS GUIDE TO WHAT FOLKS TRULY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY......

CHAPTER 1
WIVES, HUBBIES, SIGNIFICANT OTHERS:

says: when you get time would you......
means: DO this NOW!!!

says: ohh there's no rush, take your time....
means: aren't you done yet????

says: we've got PLENTY of time.
means: it doesn't matter anymore cause we are already late....

says: no, i'm not blaming you, i am just saying....
means: YES it is YOUR FAULT

says: does this make me look fat....
means: i really want to pick a fight with somebody... and guess what YOU'RE IT!

says: how do i look....
means: (see above, and add) so you want to sleep outside for the next week huh?

says: ohh, it's ok honey....
means: HELL NO, you just fucked up, and boy howdy ARE YOU GOING TO PAY FOR IT!

says: can you watch the kids for a few while i look something up on the net...
means: LATER SUCKER, it's raid time!!!!

says: does it seem like the computer is running slow lately....
means: are you EVER going to upgrade this piece o shit????

says: heeey... that (insert random merchandise item here) looks kinda neat...
means: can i have that???

says: did you feed the boy.....
means: get off your lazy ass and feed the damn kid, his whining is pissin me off.

says: have you taken the dog outside lately....
means: TAKE THE FUCKING DOG OUT NOW!!! i just stepped in another puddle o piss dammit.

says: i hope you didnt want any more (insert random food/drink item here)
means: i just ate the last fucking one, what do you think yer gonna do about it huh???

says: i hate to bother you, but would you...
means: don't care what yer doing, snap to ya lazy bastard.

says: i'm going to shoneys with my sponsor, would ya watch the kids....
means: thanks hun, see ya tomorrow night!!

says: i need a meeting
means: fuck off, i'm ready to kill shit!

says: sorry, i didn't mean to....
means: HOW YA LIKE IT NOW THE SHOES ON THE OTHER FOOT FUCKER!!!

says: i loooove you....
means: i fucked up, please ignore it though.

says: i can't live without you...
means: remember that new car we used to have???

says: how much money is left in the account.....
means: well, there was this dress, and it was ON SALE!!!!!

nuff fer now, next time will be kids and pets.

vade in pace
-dawg

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Thursday, October 27, 2011

santa clause is coming to town (and im waiting with a shotgun)

Santa is coming to town!

and i swear to god im gonna blow that fucker away... and his reindeer too!.... heeeyyy now thats a great idea... reindeer is pretty tasty! (wonder how much a pound i can get for em.

ok ok, i'm sure you probably think im the grinch, right? well i am not, just let me explain.

for many years (all my damn life) i have striven to be a "manly" man, and well i have been successful so far.. hell i like fast cars, violent movies and big ole boobs... can't get much manlier than that can ya.
even through two marriages even my house has managed to stay decidedly (non-frilly) ya gotta understand.. i don't do froo-froo!

well baby GRRRR (laura beth) just turned one last week, and i realized that the freaking jolly fat man (santa) will in addition to bringing suitably many toys for jr, be bringing ..... UUGGGHHH... dolly's and... AAAACCCCKKKKK...... barbies for the GRRRR..... OHH HELL NO!

it may not be this year, but it will be soon.....

thusly....

THE FAT MAN HAS GOTTA DIE!!!

give me a buzz if ya see his jolly ass comin down the road.... or better yet.. i'll pay a bounty for his ass..... oh and an extra 20 is in it if ya bring me a "red nose" from that visually challenged reindeer.

vade in pace.
-dawg
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Friday, March 11, 2011

sleep..need sleeeeeeeep!!!

well it's been a bit since my last post.. too long i know.

quick recap:
baby girl born on oct 21st
name: laura beth
nickname: stinkbutt (?? have you ever smelled baby farts?????)
weight/length at birth (big/long)
current status; sleeping (thank god)

** new masthead with updated pics coming soon **

needless to say things have been a jus a tiny bit hectic round here. (tiny bit... yeah right.. freaking insane is more like it)
having an infant in the house is a life changing experience (and not always the aww so cute, rip your heart out type)

think more like mind numbing zombification type life changing.
just a quick observance before i do what i should be doing (racing for the bed like the hounds of the dammned are after me)

the stages of early childhood are actually very easy to recognize as they change, leastways in hindsight, and with a touch of experience, they can be quantified by the type of sleep the parent and child gets at each stage.

newborn: sleeps like the dead for extended periods of time (think hibernation)
parent: sleep??? what the hell is that, who gets any for the first week??

infant: sleeps for random periods with no discernable pattern
parent: see above usually in sync with infant (results in neurotic zombie like state)

** special warning, parents at this stage are VERY susceptible to suggestion** ( jr actually talked us into getting him a FISH the other day.. this is how suggestible your frapped out brain can become.... hell this kid used to hit the dog in the head with a hammer.. and we got him a poor defenseless fish???)

toddler: sleep patterns regulate to whatever the hell th child wants, but can usually stretch for 6-7 hours of hibernation at a time (safety note: keep food handy for waking from hibernation.. hungry toddlers would kick the crap out of a hungry bear and are fricking meaner than wolverine with hemmorhoids)
parent: sleeps in time with child, but with one eye/ear open... TODDLERS are SNEAKY buggers.
(hnnpffh.. wazzat.. who the hell is at the door.....OMIGOD WHERE THEHELLIS %&%^*.... sneaky buggers they are)

grade schoolers: they don't sleep... they PASS OUT! best to set a scheduled time at night to make sure they are near something soft so as they don't injure themselves when they hit the floor.
parents: sleep whenever we can, creatures of opportunity at this point, drop where we stop.

teenager: this rare breed of creature has no apparent routine, and consumes staggering quantities of carb and sugar laden food, science is not really cerain that they actually sleep at all, best guess is some sort of trance like state, that sereves as sleep.

parent: finally... some real rest... ain't shit gonna wake us up.... well... maybe the house on fire.... MAYBE!

peace
-dawg
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Saturday, July 31, 2010

i am sooo doomed!!!

well, the news is in!
in approximately 8 years i will have to start showering in the backyard.
the new addition is going to be a girl!!!
why 8 years you ask.. well

in 8 years.. my daughter will be... 8 (duuuh!!!)
the mutant will be 14 (teeeeeeenager)
momma is going to be...... (hell no i ain't gonna tel you.. think i want to be castrated too??)

teenage boy + 2 women in the house = no more bathroom time for dad!

you know, the thought of having a daughter is actually pretty terrifying. there are so so many ways i can fuck this up, its not like a boy ya know.

here is a short list that might put that statement into perspective.

boys: (my natural inclinations)
1: blowing up gi joes in the front yard is a bonding experience! (kooool .. his head hit the roof)
2: farts are mutual expressions of endearment. (like a stinky, loud man-hug)
3: bugs are awesome!! (except those rotten ole spiders... blecch!)
4: dog kisses are magic! (seriously they do help scrapes scab quicker)
5: walk it off.. its just a missing toe. (just kidding, jr is freaking tough though)
6: sure you can hang out in your underwear. (hell i just got tired of fighting it!!)
7: gross things are pretty kool! (well??? they are!!!!)

girls: (where my natural inclinations get expensive)
1: setting barbies on fire is bad. (future therapist bills)
2: farts are icky. (daddy.. you are a gross animal)
3: bugs, belong outside, far far away. (preferably squished flat)
4: dog kisses are sliiimy! (ewwwww grosss!)
5: a boo boo rates a pink bunny band aid. (i am soooo fucked!)
6: walking around in underwear is not tolerated. (therapy... see above)
7: god dad, whay do you have to watch that icky stuff?? (did i mention... therapy?)

like i said.... doomed!
peace
-dawg




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